For those of you unfamiliar with XKCD comics, I strongly recommend checking them out here.

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My job slows down over the holidays. This is very nice and convenient given my family’s jam packed holiday traditions. I still get thrown off when there’s nothing pressing to do at work. How can the pay cheques remain the same when I’m not running at full steam? It feels like I’m getting away with something.

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Before I get to *some* names (I will not be listing all 108) or share part of The 519 Church Street Community Centre’s Trans Programs Coordinator excellent speech (made last night and shared on her Facebook afterwards), I’ll give some of my own thoughts.

The whole list doesn’t include any reported deaths from the African continent and only very few from Europe and Asia. For those who aren’t familiar with TDOR, be forewarned that besides the impact that reading of murders can render on its own, most trans murders are done “up close” (some call it a “passionate way”), that is to say more stabbings, strangulation, beatings and many murders were done over a deliberately extended period of time. Major trigger warning. The age range this year goes from 16 months to 64 years old and the majority of those killed were sex workers, more on that via this excerpt from Morgan’s speech.

It seems particularly hard for me presently to believe “it will get better”.  I think it’s important to hope for improvement but one of the many things that have irked me about Dan Savage’s campaign (besides being cis-queer centric, predicated on things beginning to “get tough” when we apparently all go to high school) is that it implies things are at their worse in high school and all of us will endeavour for jobs outside the sex trade. I saw no coverage of TDOR on any mainstream news media and certainly no campaign calling for an end to these murders (or the suicides heavily ideated upon as a result of this systemic violence according to the latest statistics coming out of TRANS Pulse.) Read the full story

The closer I get to surgery, the odder my relationship to the donor site-to-be.

Simultaneously, I feel like I already have a dick, the one that grew when I went on testosterone, and it feels like that flap of skin effectively is my dick as well, just not in the right place yet.

I’ve developed this minor worry about getting injured there (even though it’s a part of my body where I’ve had very few injuries so far in my life). I did almost reach for it once, cupping my hands as one does when an unexpected object is en route for the groin. I stopped myself short and redirected my hands to where they’d be of use before the incoming object. But my brain has obviously begun some sort of rewiring. Now hopefully that will follow the skin and not remain with that part of my body as things move around. Otherwise, it’ll be rather funny and inconvenient.

I’ve developed an uncomfortable apathy towards surgery. It’s not that I don’t want it but I’m not following the same development as I did for the previous steps.

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On paper, I come across as someone who benefited infinitely from school. In reality, I have wrestled with education on many levels, especially its troubled relationship with my sexuality.

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I’m at a friend’s party, enjoying the eardrum pounding beats and loving the breeze and clouds ensuring I don’t get a heat stroke. I think there are 3 people who know my medical history, out of the two-dozen people with whom I am acquainted within a crowd of a few hundreds. I don’t put any thought into it beyond that, I’m there to have a good time. Why would transition factor in? I buy a woman a drink and make a few new friends along the way.

Eventually nature calls, I b-line for a stall feeling relief that the music makes it impossible for others to hear me taking toilet paper (a mild source of anxiety for me, not uncommon for pre-op trans guys.) Half way through my wiz, this guy manages to open the stall door even though I had locked it as best as I could. Read the full story

In 4 minutes, Stealth vs. Out summarizes the countless conversations that drive so many trans men (and no doubt many trans women) to leave community once they become stealth to any degree in their life.

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The following is a response to a piece written by Stephen Lane of Oxballs. Oxballs is a company that makes insertables as well as various cock and ball toys made of high grade silicone. The piece was published on Leatherati.com and can be viewed here.

Let me open saying this. I agree with you in one regard. The comments you make about the IML Barebacking Ban and the inclusion of bestiality porn in the vendor market are incredibly valid. But I am not writing this in order to agree with you. So lets get on to where our opinions differ.

You say it isn’t right for a trans person to enter a contest for men. You complain that it would be unfair for example you to enter a contest intended for lesbians and take the title. That both your hypothetical actions and those very real actions of my brother Tyler deprive someone more deserving of a title. International Mr. Leather is a contest for men. They have clear definitions of what constitutes someone of male gender. Tyler very obviously fits those requirements. Your point is all but moot, no? Your own transphobia is showing.

You say that inclusion only goes so far. That we have to draw the line somewhere. Your going to withdraw your support from all groups and organizations that don’t have the “balls” to get lesbian and trans individuals out? Go ahead. Feel free. Do you think those organizations who support inclusion really want the money from a bigot? You say “This is the leather community’s Sarah Palin…just in leather.” I am assuming you mean to say that we have chosen a figure head which exemplifies the worst in our community? Much like when Republicans chose her as their VP candidate? I think the comparison would be more apt were we to of chosen a pig headed, bigoted asshole such as your self to represent us. Someone who exemplifies our worst points?

I will applaud you for one thing. You are willing to take such a big risk associated your incredibly popular products with your own bullshit views. You could have left an anonymous comment. You could of bitched to your friends. But you chose to publish your opinions for all to see. Bravo. It takes a lot of balls to do that.

I won’t be supporting your company and I will ask my friends to do the same. So go burn your leather and hang out with the Rubber guys.

It was brought to my attention that one of my recent posts left some of you scratching your heads, for which I apologise. The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) has a long and very thorny history with the trans community. That’s putting it mildly.

Between the oral history and what I’ve gathered from Viviane Namaste’s work, I’ll construct a portrait for you. I am sure that it is romanticized and sensationalized but the key points ring true to this day: the trans community had to be very resourceful, self-reliant against an apathetic on the best of days, typically demoralizing medical industry and displayed its incredible resilience through the ongoing adversity.

At the onset there were determined and clever trans people, most of them women. They approached what was then known as The Clark in hopes of getting medical assistance in Canada, rather than trekking across borders. Read the full story