I received this question on my recent 3 way jealousy post:
I actually really love my own partner sooo much and he is indeed , amazing for me. I simply adore every little thing close to him. The only problem though, is he is friends with far too many females and I hate realizing that he could be speaking with numerous ladies as an alternative for me. I hate being jealous. I’m trying to just ignore the jealousy but I can’t. Please help me out.
Jealousy for me is a strong desire to be something within the situation other than yourself. Jealousies purpose is to keep you safe but on the other hand it can hold you prisoner.
I love Don Miguel Ruiz. In his book The Four Agreements, one of the agreements he suggests making with yourself is to be impeccable with your word, which is wonderful advise so let’s start there. Don’t just say things, say specifically what you feel, mean, intend.
I believe that people express what they believe about any situation within the first few statements. Let’s take a look at what you said and I’ll offer some ideas to challenge you. Contemplating the questions I ask you back will help you think about your ‘word’ and it’s impeccability:
I love my own partner sooo much and he is indeed , amazing for me.
To what degree do you love him? Is it the friendship kind of love or the unconditional love that one has for a life partner? What does it mean to love unconditionally? How do you define amazing?
I simply adore every little thing close to him.
I love this belief and would hold on to it as long as is it true. (Borrowing from Byron Katie:) Can you truly know that ‘you adore every little thing close to him’ is 100% true? If it is not 100% true what is the opposite of I adore every little thing close to him? Can you find proof of how that is true in your life?
The only problem though, is he is friends with far too many females
Too many females? It’s ok to have too many male friends? What does gender have to do with this situation?
I hate realizing that he could be speaking with numerous ladies as an alternative for me.
You say you’re “realizing” so it’s safe to assume that at one point you did not know or have this awareness. What is more true: you realized it or you assume it? What bothers you when he is speaking with other ladies? Do you want to be those other ladies that he’s talking too? Perhaps you want to be him talking to those ladies? Is it true that he is speaking with those ladies as an alternative to you? Again would you rather he be talking to you? If you hate realizing / assuming that he could be talking to these ladies as an alternative to you, why do you continue do it? How does it make you feel when you believe these thoughts? How would it make you feel if you chose never to think these thoughts again?
I hate being jealous.
If you hate being jealous why would you continue to hate? I thought you said you adored every little thing close to him – doesn’t that include these ladies? Are these ladies close to him? Being jealous so often must serve you, either negatively or positively, in what ways is this jealousy serving you?
I’m trying to just ignore the jealousy.
How is ignoring jealousy getting the problem solved? Are you at peace and in LOVE with your partner? Do you love him unconditionally? What are the conditions to your love? I believe that a partner serves to help one another discover who we are. When a partner does things that bother you, it is to serve you to help you see who you are. What is your partner trying to teach you in this moment? You say you’re ignoring the jealousy, in what ways may you be ignoring the life lesson your partner is trying to offer you? In what ways could he support you better in the learning of this lesson? In what ways are you holding yourself prisoner?
… but I can’t.
Can’t for me, means either I won’t or I don’t know how, which is it? If you won’t, I accept your limitations, but question if you’re able to grow with the relating part of your relationship? After all a relationship is about relating to another human beings on a higher level than any one else. Are you able to relate to your partner? Relating is the art of understanding someone else, to understand you have to ask questions and most of all listen are you doing this enough? Earlier you mentioned that you were ignoring your feeling of jealousy, in what ways is this not listening to yourself? Do you have enough of your own relationships outside of the partnership? Do you have an intimate relationship with yourself? Are you relating this to your partner? If can’t means, you don’t know how are you willing to learn?
Please help me out. Thanks
You don’t sound helpless, Are you helpless? You have a great resource in your partner. It’s your life, you are 100% responsible for it, knowing all of this what will be the first thing you do?
Contemplating these questions will bring you a degree of clarity you didn’t have before. I bet if you wrote in again after spending time pondering what you feel, you would write your original note to me quite differently. I offer a great service that responds the wholeness of your life and being. It’s a wonderful way to accelerate over the obstacles we place in our path. Perhaps you would consider my services to support you. Visit coachbe.me
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