PERSPECTIVE :: Same sex marriage has been legal in Canada for six years or so. In that time many of us have attended queer weddings, some of us have married, some have divorced and most of us debated whether or not we should emulate heterosexist societal norms.

The legalization of same sex marriage here came about in a typically Canadian fashion. There was no bloodshed. There were demonstrations, discussions, political debate and legal arguments. But no one died. We engaged in luxurious debate.

Years later, I still hear musings about whether or not marriage is really all that important.

MUSINGS :: Andrew Vail debates if 1 really is the loneliest number.

Once same sex marriage was legal in Canada, my partner Laurie and I quickly began planning our own wedding. On April 30th 2005, surrounded by family and friends, we married in a ceremony we’d created from start to finish. It was important to us that this big step, this legal formal recognition of our relationship, was as unique as the two very distinct individuals who make up this couple. I treasure the memories of that day and the photos depict much love, joy and community. Over 100 guests celebrated with us, all of them important and ongoing elements in our lives.

Three years later we attended a very small ceremony, only five people besides the couple and the officiant. It was August 2008, and two Korean women had tentatively entered my workplace, QMUNITY – British Colombia’s Queer Resource Centre.

They asked the volunteer receptionist how they could get married. They’d been to city hall and had a license, but didn’t know the next step. Our volunteer helped them contact a marriage commissioner who would come to the centre in two hours to marry them. In the meantime the couple went out to buy a cake, while QMUNITY volunteers went out for flowers, and I called Laurie inviting her to the sudden wedding that was about to take place in Meeting Room 1.

After a brief ceremony (with our volunteer receptionist and volunteer coordinator serving as witnesses and a centre counselor, and Laurie and I the only attendees), cake was cut and pop was raised to toast to the couple.

GLOBAL MARIAGE EQUALITY :: Love, politics and the law.

We learned they’d been in Vancouver for six months to learn English, and were returning to Korea the next day. While in Vancouver, these women had seen what it could be like to live out and open as a couple. They had hoped that they might be able to stay in Canada but the bureaucracy and paperwork had taken more time than their visas allowed. We found out they wanted to marry while they still could before returning to Korea where they would have to once again hide their relationship. At home their families and friends knew them only to be roommates, close friends. It was and still is safer that way. When I asked if they would tell anyone at home of their marriage they looked at each other and the woman who spoke better English said “No, we won’t be able to tell anyone tell that we’re married. But we’ll know.”

Marriage isn’t for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, but it is important that those who choose to marry have the opportunity to do so. While we have the luxury of debating whether or not we as queer people will or won’t marry, there are many others outside Canada dying – literally, sometimes, for the opportunity.

Is 1 really the loneliest number? Andrew Vail explores the question in his blog post below and in a Skpe convo with GGT Publisher Shaun Proulx:

There is nothing more tragic than being alone. The single gal is an object more to be pitied than scorned—unless of course she’s hanging around your man too much, then the gloves come off. Surely, there is no greater cross to bear than being a one in a sea of twos, threes, fours and mores.

But wait! What’s that I hear off in the distance? Why, it’s the sound of hundreds, even thousands of single people…laughing! How can this be? How can these poor, sad, lonely souls ring out with peels of laughter when they should be home alone with their tearful faces buried in their pillows? Turns out, we’re starting to take the ‘sin’ out of being single and discovering a life lived alone does not necessarily lead to loneliness.

We’re starting to
take the ‘sin’ out of being single

I’ll admit I spent a good deal of my life pining for the right man to come along and rescue me from the spectre of spinsterhood. I’d play sad songs devoted to the lonesome and lovelorn and wander the barren streets in all my singleness waiting for that longing glance from across the room as my dream man and I locked eyes. We’d know this was it. We’d know we’d be together until the twelfth of never…and that’s a long, long, time.

Sappy love songs aside, I did find love. All over the place: in bars, in clubs, at work, online. And for all the love I found, I’m alone again, naturally. It turns out love wasn’t the answer to my unrequited dreams. It turns out love wasn’t the cure for my loneliness. It turns out the panacea for my aching heart was—GASP—me!

It’s a solo revolution,
a singular societal sensation

I have been having heart-to-heart talks with friends and other interested parties about the notion of being alone, and whether being alone makes us destined to be lonely. To my great surprise and delight, we singles are not the sad sacks we’re made out to be by the coupled (or otherwise conjoined), pop songs, pop psychologists, the media, RomComs and so on. There seems to be a new power to being a person who lives a life unfettered. It’s a solo revolution, a singular societal sensation.

Now, this isn’t to decry those who have found their mate and those who are still searching in earnest—heart, soul and loins ablaze for that special connection. This isn’t a bash against same-sex marriage. Everyone should have the right to create the relationship they desire. This is a stake in the ground for those of us destined to spend more time on our own than with a partner, without shame, without guilt and without feeling like the ugly duckling at the school dance.

More and more people I talk to about this all agree: better to be alone than to be with someone and be lonely. How can you possibly feel lonely when you are partnered? Trust me, it’s easier than you think. When things aren’t working out, when you aren’t communicating, when you realize your values are not converging and you are heading in separate directions (usually toward separation), it’s very easy to feel like you’re standing on an ice flow in the middle of the North Sea with no land in site. That’s lonely.

Being in an unhealthy relationship with someone is bad for your emotional, physical and spiritual health. It drags you down into depression and anxiety. Trying to navigate a bad relationship can put you in a situation where you begin to compromise your ethical core. Suddenly, you aren’t you anymore. You turn into do-or-die relationship survivalist who will do anything to save what is likely doomed to die. Better the entity dies than you. There’s no point in going down with the ship when there are lifeboats surrounding you.

Fill yourself with the excitement
and ebullience that once fueled you

Cling to your friends. Cry your eyes out. Write bad poetry and get it out of your system. Then, begin to embrace the solace, power and freedom of being a person unencumbered. Look at your world through clear eyes. Live your life according to your rules. Chase your aspirations and re-engage with your dreams. Fill yourself with the excitement and ebullience that once fueled you and set forth into the world with renewed energy and purpose.

You are you: Singular. Solo. Sensational. Pilot your ship. Set your course. Create your own destiny. If you happen to meet someone special along your journey and want to bring them with you…great! However, if you find yourself a lone ship on a vast ocean, fill your lungs with the fresh air, drink in the views and know that wherever you land, you’ll be just fine.

I’m getting married this year. And so braving a snowstorm to check out The Wedding Show seemed like the right thing to do:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I thought I’d write you this letter as you must be crestfallen and quite befuddled about Proposition 8 being overturned recently in California; when I heard the news, I immediately thought of you. Ok, I didn’t, but I did begin to think of you shortly after the announcement was made—because of what you had to say on the subject.

Pat, from your lips to God’s ear to my fingertips:

“Ladies and gentlemen, what are we facing? The homosexuals want to destroy the church, and they want to destroy marriage. That’s what it amounts to. It doesn’t matter how sacred an institution is and how important it is to society, as long as there can be a confirmation that this lifestyle is acceptable. That’s what they want. Oh man, pray for this country.” Read the full story

With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, I thought it would be nice to focus on a little love, baby, love—and politics and the law and how it is and will affect queer people around the world.

While the churning maelstrom of Proposition 8 in California has been experiencing high-profile coverage (and the ensuing nastiness that accompanies it), there have been a few advances and breakthroughs in the fight for equal marriage for gays in other parts of the world. Read the full story

Oh Tiger, what a twisted tale you have…

Another day and another salacious report on the state of Tiger Woods: the bizarre car crash, the jilted, humiliated wife, the ambulance leaving the Tiger den with a “mysterious blonde”, the 11 (and counting) mistresses, the buddy who hooked him up, the alleged drugs, the alleged purchasing of sexual favours, the millions in endorsements. It’s a gossip columnist’s wet dream.

This story has hit the media like a tsunami and even makes diddling David Letterman look like a choirboy. It has become fodder for massive amounts of speculation from sports and news pundits and amazing material for late night comic monologues. Read the full story

Fundamentalist Christians. Right-Wing Neo-Cons. The Vatican.
Carrie Prejean. Gay Men.

Above is a short list of enemies of same sex marriage. Which one of those is making your eyebrows wiggle? Yea, I bet it’s the last one. Sure, there are the usual suspects who spout off about the ills, follies and dangers of same sex marriage. Yet, among the choir of puritanical Calamity Janes is a not-so-small group of gay men.

Turns out there are a cadre of queers out there that would rather gay marriage didn’t exist. I wonder how many of their signatures were on Prop 8? But I digress… Read the full story

“We must not be free because we claim it but because we practice it.” William Faulkner

As Canadians prepare to gorge ourselves on turkey and carbs, your brothers and sisters to the south prepare for one of the biggest queer rights demonstrations in history. This weekend, LGBTQ activists will march on Washington as part of a demonstration demanding equal treatment under the law. Gay history is a long a complex one, but the most pertinent of it can be seen in the 20th and 21st century. Starting with Berlin, once a gay mecca, plagued by Nazi Germany’s extermination of homosexuals in addition to the Jews, and other “undesirables” who would lose their lives during the Holocaust. To the Stonewall Riots, the decriminalization of homosexuality in Canada, and the subsequent struggle for rights for all queer people.

Living in the city, we often forget how transgressive our everyday lives are. My average day involves countless things I would be unable to do had I never moved to Toronto. Ours all would. Our freedom is built on the backs of those who came before us. Were it not for Drag queens and dykes at Stonewall where would the revolution be? More conservative leaning gay people especially it seems in North America seem to not want Drag Queens, Leather people, or any open displays of blatant sexuality (ie topless dykes or gogo boys in underwear) to be part of Parades. But I am quick to remind people that our own Pride Parade (one of the world’s largest), was all the result of the police raids on bathhouses. What place is a more blatant symbol of our communities sexual freedom? Were it not for the sexually adventurous, what would Pride be like in Toronto? Would it even exist?

We must embrace our freedoms, and just as importantly ALL people in our communities. We should be grateful that we can even have a parade. That it is no longer called a march. We no longer have to climb the steps of Capital Hill demanding some of the most basic rights. So this thanksgiving, remember we all have something to be thankful for!

Inevitably, when there is public discourse about gay rights the issue of – let’s say – gay marriage gets lumped into the same bin with abortion and abortionists (and from the more wildly right-wing fundamentalists, pedophilia and marrying one’s dog or most cherished pet pig).

I’ve often wondered why gay issues get thrown in with abortion (FYI: I support a woman’s right to choose, thankyouverymuch!) as two big lynchpin issues during an election, for example. We’ve all taken it for granted that that’s just what happens when left meets right and right meets wrong and then veers wildly off track. But I got thinking, “how is there even a remote relationship between the two issues?” I know to a certain segment of society, both are considered abhorrent, but that’s where the supposed comparison ends.

In my 45 years as a gay man, I’ve never become pregnant and had to face the choice of whether or not to have an abortion. I’ve also never impregnated anyone (most gay men haven’t – and this is not a piece about gay parenting, a totally separate issue). The closest I’ve gotten to the issue is to listen to women friends who have had an abortion share their stories. I bring this up because I was recently in a discussion around a table with a group of people and this very thing came up: gay rights and marriage and abortion.

What exactly does being gay have to do with abortion, anyway?

I finally challenged those in the discussion (who were not being rude or offensive) to explain why they think the two should be under the same umbrella. No one could, other than to say what I said a few paragraphs earlier, it’s something that a segment of the population finds abhorrent.

If we find ourselves in a public discourse and this comes up, it should be challenged. The people putting us in the same slot as those other issues should be challenged. We should make them come up with a cogent, reasonable and intelligent argument to support their statements. I mean, really, we aren’t baby killers, pedophiles or pig-fuckers; we’re just gay.

I received interesting feedback for a piece I wrote called “When the Right of Refusal is Just So Wrong!”  The piece talked about a marriage commissioner who has been refusing to wed gay couples. The Saskatchewan Party has even tabled legislation to protect his right do so. 

Why I’m addressing this topic again is because of the very provocative feedback I received from one W. Moran. Here’s what this person had to say in response to the original piece:

“W. Moran Says: July 27, 2009

“You people demanded tolerance and acceptance for years. Now you have it – and refuse to return it to the very people who gave it to you.
I don’t happen to support gay marriage, although if you want a civil union, fine. Fill your boots. But at least permit a person their own rights, such as the right to their religious beliefs.
It’s not like MJ’s wish to be married wasn’t accommodated. And you know as well as I do, it was a setup to get Nichols, based on his public statements about gay marriage.
We gave you rights – now how about you return the favour and get off Nichols’ back?”

When I read this I became incensed. Not so much because this person didn’t agree with what I wrote, but the tone and position he or she took in the response. To wit: Opening the response with “You people” tells me Moran doesn’t hold gays in high regard. I can just see the smug look that accompanies those two words. But more importantly, to say that M.J. (the identity of the plaintiff in court documents) used this as a setup to “get” Nichols is a ridiculous statement. Could it be that M.J. was so incensed to be refused their rights that he complained to the authorities? Wouldn’t you?

But the capper for me is the last line: “We gave you rights – now how about you return the favour and get off Nichols’ back?”

Dear W. Moran, to be clear, YOU did not give us our rights. YOU clearly had nothing to do with it. Queer people started to get our rights in Canada when The Charter of Rights and Freedoms was written into Canada’s Constitution. It started when Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau decriminalized homosexuality 40 years ago. We got our rights because individuals and groups filed challenges in provincial courts and the Supreme Court to have discriminatory laws and practices struck down. We got our rights because brave people with vision did the right thing. We got our rights because we live in a civil society. Do you see yourself anywhere in there, W. Moran?

As I said in the original piece, if Orville Nichols (who is a CIVIL marriage commissioner) does not want to perform services for same sex couples then he should find another way to be a civil servant that does not put him at odds with his religious beliefs. In his complaint to the Human Rights Commission he said the Charter of Rights and Freedoms should protect his religious beliefs. What he really wants is to have his bigotry protected by law.

W. Moran, how would you react if someone looked at you, made an assumption about you and refused you a job, a place to live, a service or any other basic right? What if you were told, “We don’t serve your kind here.”? I bet you’d be hurt, angered and offended. I bet you’d have something to say about it.

By the way, Nichols lost his appeal to the Saskatchewan Human Rights Commission last week. The Commission’s original findings from 2007 stand and so does the $2,500 in compensation he had to pay to the gay couple whom he refused to marry.

That, W. Moran, is justice.