“Is this about pleasure or psychosis?”

Last night I attended the ACT Community Forum: Sex Pigs at the 519. Sometimes my face went completely red. Other times I giggled like a little kid. All of the time though was spent engaged and curious. Just what turn this conversation would take next.

“Pig sex has NO connection.”

Sex pigs like to fuck. They also like to talk. Picking up on a trend in the community, ACT put this event together, creating a space, safe for dialogue. They simply provided an open floor while recognizing it’s not up to any of us to figure out the WHY, there is value in discussing the WHAT.

“You do the things you do because you ARE so emotionally engaged.”

One of the panelists – a self-defined sex pig -  can remember hearing the term SEX PIG for the first time at the Mineshaft in NYC for the crowning of Mr. Pig 1980. 30 years later there is a group of men over 30 embracing identity and defining a happening sexual movement in our culture. The diversity in opinion was staggering as was the judgmental slant revealed on all sides. People want to own/understand/define their slice of a series of margins.

“You CAN have a meaningful intimate pig relationship.”

Eloquently and passionately described by the panel of pigs, raunch covers smells, fluids and their exchange, engaging in a shared fetishism of things that come out of the body. Pig sex would include these things but also provide the action and opportunity for someone who wanted MORE (or less?).

“Why do we call it PIG SEX?”

What is more? A greater commitment to intensified energy shared and expended, literal and theoretical intimacy, role play, condom-less sex (inferred by the use of words like uninhibited, open minded and abandon etc.)

“Pig sex to me CAN be suck and fuck.”

Wrapping it up (tongue firmly planted in cheek), of course this rap session did raise questions and commentary on safety and sex addiction, kink, clean/dirty, stigma et al. One inevitably is left asking: is this sex piggery healthy?

Health is self-determined and based on varied circumstance and belief in connection to how you feel, what you see, what you know and what you have been told.

So, IS pig sex healthy?

You be the judge of that.

Every guy online using the word “jock”, I instantly want to hook up with!

God, that sounds hot!  Your mind conjures up the perfect avatar to go along with your super masculine, oh-so into you jock boy.

Damn!

So you know I’ll be at this fundraiser for people living with HIV/AIDS:

The Jock Strap Auction

Wednedsay June 23^rd 2010

George’s Play

7:30 PM – 9:30PM

Toronto’s hottest men will spin and sweat for you – and then auction off their jocks. All proceeds to the amazing Friends For Life Bike Rally in support of  Toronto People With AIDS Foundation! PWA gives this city’s positive, tangible priceless hiv/aids service and direction.  If you have recently tested positive – this is a place you definitely get to.

Bring your cash, credit and chequebook!

“hiv positive guys are the hottest!” -  from the motion picture jeffrey

“You are a lover.  The larger part of you loves.  When you don’t love, you are not who you really are and there is a seperation that you can feel in your solar plexus that feels like hate or feels like anger.” – Abraham

Interesting:

I had a romantic situation arise this week that inspired an intense emotional reaction.  When presented with the opportunity, my first thought/feelings regarding it were very strong.

I began feeling what seemed like very negative emotion right away.  Something was telling me that this was not the direction I wanted to be going. I could easily feel that I was being guided toward a different decision.

The problem is at the time I just questioned  these thoughts/feelings, as opposed to welcoming them, and listening to the message they related wholeheartedly.

I felt I was being selfish and not who I really am, I felt full of fear and insecurity.

“That empty awful feeling that you call fear simply means, your thought is not in sync with who you are.” – Abraham

The truth is: I allowed this message – “Richard, you are not being yourself” – to fall on deaf ears and let those deaf ears provide a false sense of peace.

The person I am today knows when to say NO to what I was being offered by life – and for good reason.

Yesterday I was making a playlist for a friend and I had asked about including music from a certain artist.

He said:  “Whatever is in your heart, add!  Doubt means don’t.”

And I thought…

OMG!  I knew that.

Why didn’t I listen to my own doubts about this romantic situation this week?  They were so loud and clear!  But I fought them.  I thought it was me being out of the vortex of my well being.  It was my own inner guidance system and it was saying: “RUN!”

“Negative emotion means you have departed from who you are.” – Abraham

I hadn’t experienced this much prolonged activity outside of my vortex in recent memory.  I could have easily listened.  Made other plans for a time when they felt right.  Instead I pushed myself and in the direction of that which I do not want.

In a text message from my beautiful sister, Allysyn, this morning, she asked: “How are you feeling through all this?”

I honestly replied: “Doing well.  The hot embarrassed feeling has almost entirely left me.  I have learned that next time my body, mind, soul  are giving me a direction, I will directly succumb to its guidance.  I do feel free knowing that something or someone has been experienced that brought a lot of life giving contrast – gave birth to huge desire – and will never quite happen that way again.”

“Ride your own rocket into the vortex and imagine your own resolutions that your life experience has caused you to launch.” – Abraham

“Stand before it there is no beginning. Follow it and there is no end. – Lao Tzu”

I know that one by heart.

When I genuinely let go of trying to control or predict the “how” of what I want in life, the way revealed to me,  and relief greets me moment by moment.  (And this next part makes me smile:)

Feeling joyful with absolutely nothing more than my breath I understand I’m not at the beginning or the end, just in the midst of it all.

The unfolding.

Without a map, but navigated by an inner compass, going by feel, elevated by limitlessness.

“Within the seed of your desire is everything necessary for it to blossom to fulfillment. And Law of Attraction is the engine that does the work. Your work is just to give it a fertile growing place in order to expand. “– Abraham

If you can feel happy with exactly what you have right now, forget about everything it is that you want.  Happy right now with nothing more than what you have, I promise you, that everything that you want will come.

I am fully living this moment right now, enjoying having everything unfold before me.   Confident it will all go all right and moved by the infusion of so much joy and fun and excitement.  Allowing with  sweetness for the sweetest ease.  Knowing that I am being done.

That it’s ALL being done.

For me.

“Abundance is not something we acquire.  It is something we tune into.” – Dr Wayne Dyer

I have a confession to make: I have been a slave to my own mind.

There are parts of me  holding on to the same old story and I don`t know why.  Even at times when I think that there are not.

Example:

There is this boy I was getting ready to meet.  He and I had been talking together for some time. Now we had arrangements to see each other.  A visit to my sister`s house – close to his – to meet my newly adopted niece provided a handy opportunity.

As the date came closer, I began to identify negative emotion I was feeling when I thought about meeting him.  Truthfully I had anticipated this contrast.  But, I promised myself, this time in the spirit of the law of attraction I would not give him my laundry list of self-hating deprecation.

I wanted to him to meet the real me.  But every time we talked I was obsessively compelled  to spit it out all the reasons I wasn’t worth it.

It’s not necessary for you to exacerbate your contrast with struggle in order to get it into a higher place. It is not necessary to suffer in order to give birth to desire. But when you have suffered and you have given birth to desire, so what? You’ve got a desire. Turn your attention to the desire. Think about where you’re going and never mind where you’ve been. Don’t spend any more time justifying any of that stuff -Abraham

Over dinner with a friend I began to understand this:  Yes, I have a past.  In it I used to tell myself lies and believe them. Here is my opportunity to step into what is real and going on.  Be who I have already become.  Get with that program because that is where the joy is at. This is where my alignment lies and there is big beautiful proof of it everywhere I look.

And sometimes that is directly at myself in the mirror and I say out loud ” I love you, Richard.  I really do.”

“The anchor of the universe is located in every single one of us. – Dr. Wayne Dyer”

It feels like the truth to me.

I’ve always believed that there must be a way to inspire and instigate healing with nothing but what I have inside.

The creative power of the universe.

God.

I get it now.

I am God.

We all are.

When we want to be creating on that scale of elegance and genius, all we have to do is be still.   Get silent and breathe.

“The softest thing overcomes the hardest thing. – Lao-Tse”

When I am there I am no longer attentive to what I don’t have or where I am not going.  Not concerned with any steps to getting there.  I am aware of only infinite potential and abundance.

“…Is what I am thinking true?  Because the thought that it’s going to be difficult to do something or that it’s going to be complicated or it’s going to take a long time, or it’s a struggle… Usually, if you examine that, there is no truth in that whatsoever. – Dr. Wayne Dyer”

It invigorates.

There is no hope here or anxiety.  No blame just  forgiveness  It  is awareness and consciousness.

And thankfully because now I also realize that while subconscious…  I have put a great distance between myself and well, everything else.  (and for what?)

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it – Mark Twain”

My intent is to be here now.  To be joyful.  Aware and aligned with a universal divine mind that is always giving.  Only loving.  In this present moment, that lasts forever.

“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry and all forms of fear, are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence. – Eckhart Tolle”

Whenever you’re trying to understand anything that is as huge as all of the Universe, or as huge as all eternity, all you have to do is bring it back to something simple that you do understand, and ask the questions and apply them. And then you can understand the Whole. Everything that’s true of the Whole is true of the individual. – Abraham

It serves you  to line up your energy before you act, because if you do take action when out of alignment it’s not going to take you where you want it to anyway.  The energy always has to be a vibrational match. 

For me this can be a challenge.  Sometimes I go to this place where I am thinking I can act/work myself through situations/emotions, and that if I start busting my ass it’ll all be all right. 

I learned the truth of this in such an instantaneous deliciously satisfying way the other night.  I had to shovel the driveway.  It was covered in snow and about four inches of solid ice underneath.  The weather had turned mild so it was the best time to get this done.  (Trust me, I wasn’t feeling it.)

Huffing and puffing I take a crack at the ice.  I am cursing it in my head and out loud.  I could not get this ice to crack –I couldn’t seem to get at it or make any progress, you know?  I am thinking: “I’m never going to get this done… I am going to miss the Jennifer Hudson Christmas special on TV…”

So I say out loud “What are you doing?  Relax yourself, boy.  Get your breath right.  It’s just some snow and ice in the driveway, star…It’s all good.”   I tell myself to treat this as if it was a workout at the gym.  I wouldn’t be pissed of exerting myself at the gym.  I’d be happy about it.  A chance to keep things sexy and I’m in.

Well, as soon as I had the energy right and my thoughts on enjoying the feeling of the present moment – the task became effortless.  It was as if all of a sudden I hit the ice at all the right angles.  I felt awesome.  Right out there with the spot of the street light shining on me.  I just felt happy that I had allowed myself to  figure a way into alignment with my desires.  Even with something simple like  clearing the ice because now I could apply this to something greater.  Now, how great would that be? 

Hard work is not the path to Well- Being. Feeling good is the path to Well-Being. You don’t create through action; you create through vibration. And then, your vibration calls action from you. – Abraham

I want to turn a belief – one born from faith – into knowing.

Often I spent an inordinate amount of time over thinking what it is I want to say in this blog, a blog about my spiritual journey.

So, tonight as I write this I throw all my list of “maybe this, maybe that” out the window, and leave you with this:

I am in my beautiful and warm house on a December night.  I have a quiet mind.  There is a gorgeous man right in front of my face – who is so talented – at the desk sewing what I am sure will turn out to be a dynamite garment.  I’m sitting comfortably, writing.  My delicious and stunning super-kind roommate is upstairs, baking bread and watching holiday movies with a handsome friend and three good-natured dogs. I woke up this morning to a job offer.

If I have ever been in the vicinity of vibrational alignment, or the vortex of abundance (I whisper in your ear) I am right here and now in that centre.  I am connected to source, without any notions of a separation.  I am not sitting here wishing for “a life”.  This is and I am – life.  Living it in freedom, freed up by a new-found knowing and a carefree-ness (which is exactly what I wanted).  When it’s like this, I know I am being who I really am.

And I love it.  All I had to do is know I could write this down.  So what else is possible?

“You need not do anything.  Remain sitting at your table and listen.  You need not even listen, just wait.  You need not even wait, just become quiet and still and solitary.  And the world will offer itself to you, to be unmasked.  It has no choice.  It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” – Franz Kafka

Putting it together…  This vision board was the next step in my personal growth and evolution.  I know that might sound quite serious but the truth is it was an easy and liberating, fun activity.  I flipped through magazines, saying yes to this and no to that.  I adored the feelings and ideas that came to me when I’d see a word or an image that I knew would make it onto the board; or on the flipside of that, I was also inspired and moved by what I came across that I knew would not make it onto the board.

Ego.

 Honestly; the only part of this that seemingly presented me with a challenge, was doing away with any sort of analytical self conscious comparison. Judging what was being created, deciding whether or not I was getting it right… I reminded myself to give it up and let go.  Putting myself under pressure – it’s an old habit of mine, a train of thought I have allowed to undermine my inspiration.   But right there and then I appreciate that even before I had finished with the board, I had already been gifted with an expansion.   Ironically; it was vision, new eyes with which to see.

I will keep adding to/adapting this vision board.  I already want to make it bigger.  It is even different than it was when I photographed it for this post.  Ever since I have put it up on the wall I keep crossing paths with inspirational images and words.  I have a pair of scissors right beside my laptop on my desk accompanied by a stick of glue.  The last piece that was added was some text printed on a piece of paper that my best friend gave to me.  It says “The Universe is supporting me in everything I do”… And I know that it is.

Love takes discipline and practice. It’s a radical commitment to a different way of being.  A mental response to life, completely at odds with the thinking of the world.  Heaven is a conscious choice to defy the ego’s voice. – Marianne Williamson – A Return To Love

Instead of describing a vision board, I thought I'd show you one. This belongs to Shaun Proulx. I will be making my vision board this weekend. I hope some of you do too.

You are a visionary. And of course it is lovely to be an actionary too. But if you will let your vision be real and full and you find full alignment with it before you take action — then the effort that you offer is always joyful, fulfilling, satisfying effort. - Abraham

There is so much for me to look forward to right now.   So much so,  I want to be sure I allow for the best possible outcomes.  To actualize my desired results.  I plan on starting at the beginning – going back to basics.  Basically… back at one

Vision.

Inspired by my list of 100 dreams and a little life-giving contrast I am aroused by the thought of letting it be, riding downstream the whole way.

For anybody who studies the teachings of Abraham or the Law of Attraction a vision board or doing a focus wheel ( two slightly different applications of similar theme) is one of the first things you can do.  An interesting fact; is, that in the three years I have been deliberately creating my experience,  I have left use of this very effective agent to others.  I just never got around to it and to be frank, I thought I was doing just fine.  Lately, I understand that I could use even more leadership in terms of my thoughts and keeping energy focused and in alignment with my desires.

This is something; that many people I know and love, have allowed to be a solid inspiration in terms of visualization and a tangible point of focus.  And with that; you simply remind yourself, easily shift gears and agree to the alignment that can flourish.

It is paramount to understand that although I am saying this is something I didn’t do… I am not saying I got it wrong.  It’s not like that.  I am simply excited by freeing myself up instead of beating myself up about it.   You know what I mean?

This is  something that I thought some of us could do together.  It is my goal to use all of the toys I can to play with, create and physically manifest what it is that I am wanting.  A more direct design on deliberate intent.  I am hoping that while I am making my vision board, some of you will join me and make your own.  I would also love to see pictures of your vision boards… which would make a super delicious addition to my next post.