So there I was, enduring some of the worse pain you can imagine (unless you’ve been held in Guantanamo or watched All About Steve. Pee-yoo). There were needles, there was blood, I cried a little. And that was just in the alley outside! Inside I was seeing the best tattoo artist in the world, Peter Belej who was laying down some pretty fantastic ink on my forearm. I love tattoos! I love having them. I love men who have them. What I don’t love is the pain. It hurts and anyone who says it doesn’t is way too high to be talking to the public!  Do I think that tattoos make me look better? Well, I know I like the way I look with them so…who’s to say? Lot’s of people think tattoos are crazy. They see it as mutilation, and I guess they’re right. I pay to have someone change my appearance. Which is essentially what people do when they have plastic surgery. Wether getting Botox, bigger tits or whatever Joan River’s had put in those cheekbones, people pay to have their appearance changed all the time! So why the bad rap on tattoos? Why is it socially acceptable (to a point)(and no that isn’t a boob job joke) for women to augment their breasts beyond all natural dimensions? No woman with a 22 inch waist has a 34 DDD bust-line, and if she did it would never be anywhere near her face without the aid or surgery or structural support! What about people who inject poisons into their faces to kill muscle groups that encourage wrinkles…or rational thought? Maybe I’ve been too harsh on my slightly ‘refreshed’ brothers and sisters when judging their choices, but let’s face it. Some of those silicone freak-shows can be judgey cunts too. It’s not about what you have done to yourself that makes people judge, it’s how everyone else feels about it that counts! I guess beauty is really in the mind of the person looking at whatever work someone else has had done. No one wins…except girls with 34 DDD. Am I right?

This summer I worked a lot. When I didn’t work I went to a movie and a concert. The movie was Joan Rivers: A Piece Of Work, a documentary of a year in the life of Joan Rivers and the concert was Debbie Reynolds, Live at the CNE Bandshell. Both these women are in their later 70′s. Both are icons in their fields. Both rarely take a day off. Is that what’s holding me back? My longing for downtime? I was exhausted just being inspired by them. Well, that and fighting the urge to scream every time Joan’s new face appeared on screen. What has she done? tsk tsk. Seriously, Debbie is three years older. Who looks better? Don’t get me wrong, still inspired over here!

Vanity, thy name is…Andrew!

Yes, my vanity got the better of me today thanks to social media. Like many of us, I have an image of myself in my head that doesn’t always coincide with the one that other’s see, particularly if that other is a camera.

Now, we’ve all heard that old chestnut: “the camera adds 10 pounds”. This week I had my picture taken by a heartless camera…or, judging by what I saw, five of them…all set to the new Canon “Behemoth” setting…shot through a funhouse lens and then tinkered with using the new PhotoShop “Whale” program. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating, but I was shocked by the picture in part because I don’t get my picture taken that often and if I do, I generally don’t see the aftermath. Read the full story

Last Thursday a friend had invited me along to see Joan Rivers at Centre for the Living Arts.

This was the first time I had seen her live. To be expected were the numerous of blue-hair rinses with expectations they were coming to an evening of “coffee chat” with Joan Rivers, and we were out in Mississauga.

Instead, I’d venture to say they probably never have heard references to female anatomy in all its forms in their entire lives than they did that evening.

Having never seen Joan River’s live, I’ve heard that she puts it all out there and crosses every line there is to be crossed.  What I discovered was a very funny 76-year-old woman who could care less about what you thought.

One of the reasons I think she can get away with it is that she has a history of community involvement, and raising a lot of money for charities.

For example, was she got on to the subject of AIDS, I laughed quite a bit, mostly because she dared go there and pulled it off.

“There was a time when AIDS was killing everyone, now it’s a long-term chronic illness. I don’t want to be delivering meals to the same guy three Thanksgivings in a row, and then watch him go off to the gym. Either AIDS is going to kill you, or I am!” she says motioning as if she holding a knife up.

At Spirits for their weekly Open Mic night, a friend and I had a recent conversation about how you don’t come to comedy and then complain about being offended. “Comedy is how we work all this shit out in our lives.” says my friend, a comic herself.

Having said that, one guy that night told a joke about rather than go to Canada’s Wonderland to wait in long line ups, and pay 60 dollars to feel like you were going to die for five minutes, why not just go get an HIV test done.

He lost the audience on that one, and had to work to get us back.  But that’s comedy, people take a lot of risk: Sometimes it works, sometimes doesn’t.  I wasn’t offended, but slightly uncomfortable for a second. The rest of his set was quite funny and he did win us back.

Joan continued on with her brand of inappropriate humour.

On Jennifer Aniston:

“She’s so needy that a rapist wouldn’t even go near her” Pretending to be Jennifer Aniston talking to the rapist, “Will I see you again?”

On getting older:

“Nobody told me when I was going to get old my vagina was going to drop. One day I looked down and I was wearing bunny slippers. Now I can have sex in one room, and watch TV in the other.”

On 9/11:

“Did you know that the families of people who died in 9/11 all got five million dollars, five million dollars. Really I can think of a few relatives that should have been there. Oh grow up! Just wait until Thanksgiving and look around the table.

It was a great night out, and I hadn’t laughed that hard since I’d seen Kathy Griffin.

I now know the litmus test of a good comedy night is when people walk out,  something both Joan and Kathy can easily make people do.

Last night I went to Mississauga.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t like I sneaked out or nothing. I was given a Gay Pass because I was going to see Joan Rivers with Shaun Proulx, Patrick Morano Brian Finch and a limo full of their friends. Hey, there’s strength in numbers and Joan Rivers or not, this was still Mississauga people! Well, she was rude, crude, insulting and said cunt twice in the first 10 minutes. I know, I think we got off easy too! She told us she hates dykes, Asians, ugly people (and no they’re not all the same! Necessarily). She said hateful things about the old, handicapped people, the poor, AIDS patients on disability and why celebrities support charities. And when it was all said and done she threw a pot of chrysanthemums at my head! It was the best night ever! I’ve never laughed so hard in my life! I laughed so hard, I peed…which she also hated! If you’ve never seen Joan Rivers live, hurry up and do it before she changes her face again! Wait … is she here?

I’m writing this post the only way I know how. Hung over.

Last night I had a fabulous evening performing at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) with the legendary Terri Stevens. We had a table of 15 in the front row who were celebrating their graduation from make-up school. I’ve never felt more judged in my life, and I grew up with an Italian mother.  Well, that’s not true. When I purchased the Sarah Palin memoirs, I received some stares from the cashiers. But, that’s a story for another day.

It’s hard to believe that Christmas is less than a week away. I feel as though I’m lacking in Christmas spirit. I think the absense of snow on the ground has a lot to do with this. The way global warming is taking affect, Pride will soon be a winter wonderland. I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping. Hope my sister likes Dollarama nic nacs!

I decorated my tree in the hopes that it would help me get into the season of giving(head). Rather than putting an angel or star of David on the top of my tree, I decided to do things a little differently. I stuck a tiara on top that flashes ‘Bitch’. I had to give it the Heroine Marks treatment afterall.

I bought myself an early Christmas gift this week. Two tickets to go see Joan Rivers live! I’m so excited. I want to see her before she either dies or has her face stretched to the point where her eyes become her ears. By now, I can only assume clothes pins are back there keeping everything together. My seats are in row 12. I could have purchased row 6-8, but I was worried the lights would be harsh and I hate the smell of burning plastic. At least in row 12 there is enough of a distance.

Here’s a funny story courtesy of our friends at Canada Post. I opened my mailbox yesterday morning and found a piece of mail for my former roommate. He was Jewish and very religious. He had plates that were for meat only and others that could only be used for dairy products. I use to tell him ‘Just have a BLT and shut it!’ He moved out shortly after. The envelope that came in the mail was marked ‘United Jewish Association’. Well, didn’t Canada Post stamp ‘Merry Christmas’ right on the front of it? Sinfully delicious!

Tonight I’ll be working upstairs at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) during what Lena Over is calling her final Cheap Show. Be sure to come check out the show and stay for dinner and drinks! Sunday evening I’ll also be working and performing upstairs during the Christmas edition of the Window Show with Bunny LeBlanc and Bitch Diva(Virgina Richmond is sick, unfortunately). It is going to be a fabulous weekend of events at Zelda’s Living Well, so be sure to join in on the fun! See you there, sweeties!

With love and venom,

Heroine Marks

xoxo