Last night the law of unintended consequences applied in the most unusual ways. A quite commonly known fact is that I love trash TV, the more the better. I’m waiting with baited breath for musical version of Jersey Shore – kind an American-Italian version of Jerry Springer.

I missed the initial episode where you get the backgrounds on everyone. I had no idea that the one guy was gay, and had been in jail for five years where he learned his penchant for not-so-straight cock when nothing else is available.

Something struck me as I watched the first episode, as I progressed to the finale. One by one they shared where they were at, and I could see parts of myself in many of them.

In particular when “Penny Lane” porn star said when she had sex she was detached, and that she had a wall up. Others had mild to severe abuse and trauma growing up. I’d put mine in mild to medium growing up, and then very high in my early twenties.

Hearing stuff was striking a chord where I was actually starting to feel anxious. Here I’m watching this trash TV (albeit real lives were unfolding in a form of reality entertainment), and I was feeling something. The realization that these folks for whom I was tuning in, were no different from me.

My way for dealing with it was, and continues to be to isolate myself. If I don’t get into relationships, or cut off my sexuality, the problem is solved.

The question I was left with was: How well is this working for you?

Answer: No so great.

When it comes to sex, it is so hard for me to feel present. It’s gotten a lot better, thus the reason why I’d rather hook up with someone of a regular basis than meet up with strangers online that would just be another kind of detached experience about getting off.

I haven’t been in a real romantic relationship for about ten years, even though I had been with D. for two years. We were more like really good friends, and I was working as an escort at the time.

Relationships also extends to family.  I’ve kept them all at a distance, and it struck me for the first time: I want to be part of my family. The modus operandi my entire life is to have a wall between them and myself.

It was time to make the one call I’ve put off for such a long time, my mother. It was time to get real, and to be real with my family is such a scary thing. It turned out to be a good conversation and a long one.

So here, this trashy, yet maybe not as much as I thought, rehab show invoked action on my part.

I’ve thought about this call for a very long time. It’s been 2.5 years approximately since I quit everything, and it’s only now that the healing is beginning.

Now my next question is, “Will I find finally let someone stay for coffee?”

Let what you’re living right here and now in this environment be the process that evokes the desire that summons the Life Force that provides the creation of anything. Whatever you have the ability to conceive, this Universe has the ability to provide. Anything, without exception. So your work is on the conjuring of the idea, period. The Universe has the stuff to deliver the goods, and will.  – Abraham

I know this to be true.

This week my goal is to give you an example from my life in which the universe has provided me with exactly what I wanted.  Read the full story

Getting there from any seemingly fixated point and through things you might feel won’t let you go.

I know what it is like to feel like you can never get focused on feeling good. Or that you are so far from where you want to be, you’d never know how to get there.

I desired to find the way there. A true happiness and real turn around in my life. This desire lead me to studying the Law Of Attraction and I became fascinated. I discovered tools and found my way…. and it all came back to good. Read the full story