Barbi is 51 today. 51! I thought she’d be older. Not like 100 or anything but at least as old as Cher. And she’s 64! I’ll bet Cher’s pissed. And why shouldn’t she be? At 51, Barbie owns a pink dream home, a pink camper van, her own horse (which is not pink thank you) and drives a pink corvette convertible. She’s been a teacher, a flight attendant, a life guard, a fire fighter, a nurse AND a doctor, though not at the same time because that would be silly. She’s also been a cheer leader, a singer, a dancer, a model and a princess. Gay men adore her, which explains Ken…and that princess thing. All this and she still only looks 20 and has a big rack. Mind you bigger isn’t always better. I mean, Barbie’s doesn’t move when she jumps.Then again, neither does Cher.

Last Thursday a friend had invited me along to see Joan Rivers at Centre for the Living Arts.

This was the first time I had seen her live. To be expected were the numerous of blue-hair rinses with expectations they were coming to an evening of “coffee chat” with Joan Rivers, and we were out in Mississauga.

Instead, I’d venture to say they probably never have heard references to female anatomy in all its forms in their entire lives than they did that evening.

Having never seen Joan River’s live, I’ve heard that she puts it all out there and crosses every line there is to be crossed.  What I discovered was a very funny 76-year-old woman who could care less about what you thought.

One of the reasons I think she can get away with it is that she has a history of community involvement, and raising a lot of money for charities.

For example, was she got on to the subject of AIDS, I laughed quite a bit, mostly because she dared go there and pulled it off.

“There was a time when AIDS was killing everyone, now it’s a long-term chronic illness. I don’t want to be delivering meals to the same guy three Thanksgivings in a row, and then watch him go off to the gym. Either AIDS is going to kill you, or I am!” she says motioning as if she holding a knife up.

At Spirits for their weekly Open Mic night, a friend and I had a recent conversation about how you don’t come to comedy and then complain about being offended. “Comedy is how we work all this shit out in our lives.” says my friend, a comic herself.

Having said that, one guy that night told a joke about rather than go to Canada’s Wonderland to wait in long line ups, and pay 60 dollars to feel like you were going to die for five minutes, why not just go get an HIV test done.

He lost the audience on that one, and had to work to get us back.  But that’s comedy, people take a lot of risk: Sometimes it works, sometimes doesn’t.  I wasn’t offended, but slightly uncomfortable for a second. The rest of his set was quite funny and he did win us back.

Joan continued on with her brand of inappropriate humour.

On Jennifer Aniston:

“She’s so needy that a rapist wouldn’t even go near her” Pretending to be Jennifer Aniston talking to the rapist, “Will I see you again?”

On getting older:

“Nobody told me when I was going to get old my vagina was going to drop. One day I looked down and I was wearing bunny slippers. Now I can have sex in one room, and watch TV in the other.”

On 9/11:

“Did you know that the families of people who died in 9/11 all got five million dollars, five million dollars. Really I can think of a few relatives that should have been there. Oh grow up! Just wait until Thanksgiving and look around the table.

It was a great night out, and I hadn’t laughed that hard since I’d seen Kathy Griffin.

I now know the litmus test of a good comedy night is when people walk out,  something both Joan and Kathy can easily make people do.

Casey House one of Toronto’s preeminent charities for having fun and exciting galas presents SnowBall 2010 – “Some Like It Haute” this coming Saturday, March 6th. starting at 6 p.m a theme entirely inspired by our iconic, fashionista Co-Chairs Suzanne Boyd and Wayne Clark, who promise to deliver an evening of distinction, elegance, fun and sexiness along with a few memorable surprises! Expect a mad and dizzying romp that is exquisitely haute, but never haughty.

However this fun is not cheap. Tickets still available for a limited time at $5,000 a table. Please call 416-962-4040 ext. 231. The evening includes an open bar, a sumptuous meal, inspirational awards, entertainment and a silent auction.

InterACTion:

Sex. Drugs.
Love, lust and everything in between.
HIV and STIs.
Bars, baths and beyond.
Tell us what you think as we discuss a wide range of issues relevant to the health of gay men.
Don’t just sit there – InterACT!

Last month I attended the Gay Men’s Sexual Health Summit, and I thought to myself: it is time to reclaim my penis!

Nobody does it better than ourselves! Well, almost nobody. Who else knows exactly what makes you shiver? The art of masturbation; pleasuring yourself the old-fashioned way. I mean, what guy doesn’t do it? The question is: how often? And do you feel guilty afterward? Do you like an audience, either in the room across the hall, the stall next to you or through an open window? Does the sight of another man jerking his cock get you excited?

I think of times gone by and recall the quick toss-offs to avoid getting caught or to relieve tension, the long, slow edging sessions to produce the most pleasure, the fantasies fulfilled just by closing my eyes and recalling that afternoon in the gym changing room, or the wrestling match that held a bit more eroticism than is customary. Or the feel of a tight-skinned scrotum after swimming for an afternoon at the beach. Where have those days gone?

Do things have to change? Does being in a relationship mean you shouldn’t be jerking off anymore? Does your boyfriend/hubby/partner get upset that you would occasionally prefer to just pleasure yourself? Let’s be honest, a good hand job can be as wonderful as any other form of orgasm. I say it is time to reclaim the art of masturbation. Recall what makes you feel good. And guess what? You are old enough to play with different kinds of toys. Practice makes for a hell of a good time. Maybe even put on a show for that special someone. Seduce your man with a sensual display of auto-eroticism, and watch as he begins to copy your moves.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, the blog. So why not share some of your auto-eroticism “successes” with us. You know, you just may enjoy it!

-Harry

It’s the calm after the Olympic storm that saw Canada’s athletes achieve record-breaking accomplishments, making a country proud! Not so much on the world stage last week was also Bent Village, a two-night discussion about the state of the Church/Wellesley Village.

When it comes to the future of the Village—people care passionately

The first night at the Gladstone Art Bar was standing-room-only. Attendees came prepared with amazing questions, concerns and comments about the Village and our four panelists (two from the Church/Wellesley Business Improvement Area and two distinguished queer activists) handled the lively conversation beautifully. So, what did we learn?

We learned the Village is not dead or even on life-support, for that matter. However, there are many issues being voiced by the community that certainly need dealing with, including:

• Reaching out to queers of colour, lesbians, trans people and diverse ages
• Rents for businesses
• Business that support gay clients
• Gays supporting local business
• Security
• Violence (both physical and non-physical)
• Drugs
• Youth

While this is no small feat, the energy and enthusiasm of those who attended both evenings was palpable and proves that—when it comes to the past, present and future of the Village—people care passionately.

With all the positives that came from the two nights of Bent Village, there was one unfortunate situation that happened. Much to our surprise—and at the last minute—Bent Village Part 2 at Gladaman’s Den was preempted by the Olympic hockey showdown between Canada and the United States. This was an understandable business decision made by the venue’s owner the afternoon of Bent.

We had to scramble to alert everyone as to the change of time (6:00pm instead of the advertised 4:00pm). For the most part we were successful and two of our four panelists were able to accommodate the time change. Unfortunately, one of the panelists from the Church Street BIA didn’t receive the notification in time and was inconvenienced. For that we are sorry. Unforeseen things happen sometimes at the last minute to throw a wrench into the plans.

I hope he has more class than to publicly attack and malign two people who volunteer their time

Even more unfortunately, this man decided to write a rather scathing email to Bent’s organizer, chastising him for the mix up. To add insult to injury, he chose to copy everyone on the CWBIA, the Pride Committee and others, maligning the Bent Expressions organizer and me.

As an events planner, he must know sometimes situations occur at the last minute that are unexpected. In this case, we were pushed back two hours. I certainly hope he remembers this the next time he plans an event and finds himself scrambling at the last minute to accommodate a sudden change. I also hope he has more class than to publicly attack and malign two people who volunteer their time to create a dialogue in our community.

Thanks again to all the people who showed up and spoke up and thank you to our panelists. See you all at next month’s Bent Expressions!

Cheers,
Andrew Vail

Over the years I’ve received all kinds of emails from people around the world.  Anything from someone wanting a “travel” companion to young guys in rural towns asking for advice on how to come out of the closet.

A constant is the solicitation to have sex.  Why not?  Hell, it’s what I’ve made my name on.  Can you really blame someone watching porn who gets all worked up and who then shoots an email off to his favourite porn star detailing what lewd things they should do together.  In my opinion, that means the porn star has done his job!  He’s gotten the viewer so into it that they are now contacting him with the hopes of an encounter.

Emails asking me out or asking me for sex are always flattering, and I appreciate each and every one of them!

My favourites now though, are the ones that, even after I’ve told them I have a boyfriend, they do not miss a beat “Bring him along!”  they say.  Sight unseen!  The more the merrier!  I share these emails with my boyfriend who then says “They’ve never even seen me!  I guess if it’s good enough for Eddie Stone!”  It’s all part and parcel of dating a porn star I guess.  Menage a trois anyone?

Oh the French always know how to do it.

I have to admit, being an avid fan of the sport,  these images make me want to rush out and buy a carton of smokes.

For some reason that wasn’t the intention of this French anti-smoking campaign. “Fumer c’est être l’esclave du tabac”, or  “Smoking, be a slave to tobacco,” is the caption under each photograph.

Needless to say there is a big brouhaha in France over this campaign. The intention was to get people talking.  It didn’t get me talking,  it got me fantasizing something that I’m pretty sure is a federal offense.

Now who would create such provocative images? The answer would be the Association for Nonsmokers’ Rights.

The group’s director Mr Parola says they are not about sex at all:

“The visuals have a sexual connotation, that I can’t deny, but it’s really a way to start a discussion with young people to get them to understand the dangers of smoking.”

Now I’ve done a lot of things, but I’ve never sucked cock and smoked. I’ve eaten and smoked. I am going to have to give a try though.

The marketing company who designed this campaign certainly did get people talking, but I’m not so sure the images I’ve just conjured up are quite what they were thinking off.

Mr Parola continues:

“Traditional advertisements targeting teens don’t affect them. Talking about issues of health, illness or even death, they don’t get it,” the group’s director, Remi Parola, told The Associated Press in an interview. “However, when we talk about submission and dependence, they listen.”

I have to disagree, teens will listen when you start talking about fellatio – the new second base, parents beware.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s an interesting idea, but in my humble view this is what happens when one over intellectualize an idea to the point that it actually sounds like it will work.

How many hours did high level “ad men” huddle around the idea of sexual submission – and really is it submissive to be on one’s knees?

I don’t think they know how hard it is to get a guy off orally sometimes. There ain’t no submissiveness there, just shear determination.

I digress.

Kids listen up, the moral of the story is if you are going to go to second base, make sure you’re a non-smoker, and make sure the business man pays you.

Since I’m pimping my videos, which I call experimental video instead of experimental theatre, I thought I’d through this recent one out. It’s my submission to win a free DVD from Kathy Griffin. Of course I can just by the damn thing, but this is such more fun. Of course it is probably NSFW

The Real Housewives of Orange County,” and  ”The Real House Wives of Atlanta and New Jersey”  got me talking with a friend in the buidling on how we should make our own show. Always to be the one to take crazy ideas and make them reality — you don’t become a hooker with a passport unless you’re not that kind of person — and grabbed my camera and set out to make  my first John Water’s inspired Canadian Content of  ”The Real Hags of Cabbagetown.”

I start with the first two hags, Jone and Roxy, but there are more.  So for a cheap Monday morning post, I will share with you my train wreck.

It’s not pretty. And like I say, it can only get better.