AUTHENTICITY :: As the ferry approached the island, I experienced a feeling completely new and foreign. I felt that I was home. I was 18 and the ferry was docking at Fulford Harbour on Salt Spring Island, the largest of the Southern Gulf Islands on the British Columbia coast. I had never been to BC before but  yet I traveled over 2,000 kilometres from family, friends and familiar to suddenly sense that I was home.

I was one of twelve Katimavik* participants arriving on Salt Spring for the second of three placements. We had been in Quebec for three months, we were to spend three months on the island and then on to Northern Ontario for our final rotation.

Katimavik was the exact right program for me, floundering at the edge of adulthood without a clue of what I was to make of myself. Katimavik participants did community volunteer work, learned about Canada, learned about the diversity of our Canadian experiences, learned some French (if we were English) and some English (if we were French), learned about responsibility and, if we could get out of our own way, learned about ourselves.

I was not prepared for the impact that Salt Spring Island would have on me. On the surface it seemed like a funky bohemian oasis far from my hometown reality of school, family and friends in Ottawa. But the comfort and freedom I felt immediately upon arrival drew me to quit Katimavik and stay on the island when my group left in March. I stayed for the better part of a year, working various part-time jobs, exploring the islands and finding who I was and what I was about.

Jennifer Breakspear on Chaz Bono :: Dancing To Understand

That discovery, or more accurately, that acceptance, was to shape the rest of my life. I had flirted and flinged with other girls back in Ottawa but always dated guys because that’s what was expected. On the island there was no expectations, no ‘shoulds’. The lifestyle of the island (affectionately called Bed Spring Island by many) was carefree and easy, and in that atmosphere I came to realize that I was not interested in doing what I ‘should’. I came to realize that I am what I am, and at the time the language I used in my coming out was to identify as gay. (Over the years the language has modified, but the significance of that initial coming out to myself has stayed with me.)

Jennifer Breakspear on the luxury of debating same-sex marriage.

I returned to Ottawa and school and familiar but held close the island feeling and the freedom I had found there.

Many years later, my partner and I now live in Vancouver and regularly visit the island. And early this month we journeyed to Salt Spring in an official capacity. We brought QMUNITY – BC’s Queer Resource Centre where I am Executive Director, to Salt Spring Pride for the first time. We marched in the Parade carrying the QMUNITY banner, sold t-shirts and distributed pamphlets at the Pride Festival in the park. The 18-year old baby dyke had come home again, all grown up now, a career queer, ED of the provincial LGTB centre and, by now, a longtime queer rights activist. I stood at the microphone addressing the lovely island queer community and felt it again, I was home. No, I don’t live on the island and may never, but I return when I can and always remember the significance of Salt Spring in my personal journey.

Contrary to what some people say, you can come home again.

LUST :: Vampires, Witches, and Werewolves. Oh my!

All this fairy story bullshit aside (this is factually correct as the story line does now, in fact, have fairies), True Blood can just get good and over itself.

Richard Ryder on Designing Women, Family vs. Friends, Rob Ford, and viagra.

There’s one reason and one reason only we drift back to TV’s hottest show: it has the hottest sexiest sons of bitches on cable TV. Period. Case in point, yummy Joe Manganiello. Lube companies across America should thank his trainer for spank bank shots like this one! Woof, I mean Grrr, I mean…oh just pass the lube.

Thank you HBO!

SMELL HER :: I have always loved scents. I love nothing more than walking through the fragrance section of a department store: all the different smells and bottles are just mesmerizing to me. A scent is like a personality, you can always tell a person’s characteristics by how they smell. I was walking through a department store the other day, and a display caught me off-guard. It wasn’t the smell of the perfume that I fell for (which is what people normally fall for first, right?), but, rather, it was the name of the perfume: Signorina. Instantly, I thought of my mother. My mother always calls my sisters her signorine (Italian, meaning young girls), and my brother and I her signorini (young boys). It’s so funny how a word can completely change your mood. That day, I was stressed that I couldn’t find what my brother asked me to buy him for Christmas, my phone had died, and I was in a horrible mood. As soon as I saw the Salvatore Ferragamo sign for Signorina, I thought of my mother, and my mood changed completely. Even the bottle itself is as precious as the memories that word brings me. It looks just like a petite, charming, beautiful, young girl. And it’s pink! I love pink! Not to mention, it smells like a fresh burst of roses, patchouli (Madonna loves patchouli!), and jasmine. It’s very fresh, yet edgy and modern. And it’s pink!

I have always loved mixing fragrances: men’s with women’s, floral with musk, wood and sporty. Nothing makes me more happy than being drenched in a sea of Versace (Yellow Diamond is my favourite), Zippo (yes, they make colognes and lighters), and perhaps even the new Justin Bieber perfume for girls! I always thought it was interesting how there was a difference between what men and women should smell like. Depending on my mood, I can smell fresh and floral, or mysterious and musky. If those mean “masculine,” and “feminine,” then call me ambiguous. Don’t even get me started with how I match my body wash and deodorant to whatever scents I spray on myself before I leave my house!

Does that make scents?

ETIQUETTE :: ‘Tis the season for proper tipping! I know, on top of buying all your cute holidays outfits, gifts for the family, gifts for those you feel compelled to buy for but don’t understand why, and, more importantly, cocktails, it’s hard to swallow the fact that tipping – a “proper” practise all year long – is even more proper during the holidays.

Through much research and experience (past work as an aesthetician and nail technician and current part time work as a bartender/server, with a bff who worked as a concierge and a boyfriend who’s done security for 20 years), I know how to tip and what is considered proper.

You may be tempted to hold back on tipping the service providers this season for many reasons, but if you do, remember that skipping a gratuity is like your boss saying to you, “Hey, guess what? We’re going to cut your pay by 20% this month.”

Not proper.

Here’s some insight into how to tip proper this holiday season (and throughout the year):

Bartender – Tip 15-20% on your bill. Or $1 per cocktail / beer if paying per drink. (Side tip: If your drink tastes off it’s not always the bartender’s fault. It could be a skunky beer, the mix could be off, or there could be a cooling mechanism at fault. Tell them nicely and they will correct your order.)

Server – Tip 15-20% on your bill. (You don’t tip on food, you tip on service. If you don’t like the food it’s not the server’s fault.) If in a group and everyone is pitching in, be sure the tip is 15-20%. Many feel this is the opportunity to “skip out”. You can ask for your own separate bill if you prefer. A server makes approximately $8.90 / hour, serves you food, drinks, takes your sometimes rude attitude, and cleans up after you. If you don’t like tipping, take food to go or get delivery. People can be cheap and if the server isn’t absolutely perfect, they don’t tip well – not proper

Hair – There’s a few areas here you need to tip on:

Shampoo person – $5-10

Stylist’s assistant (if applicable) – $5-10

Stylist/Colourist (they usually are the same person) – 15%

Nail technician / manicurist – Women/Trans/Drag Queens 15-20%. The boys 10-15%. Why the difference? It takes more time, effort and creativeness to do bright, shiny fingernails with designs than it does a clean plain nail.

Massage therapist – 10-15%. 20% if it’s a really great massage, and I don’t mean the “down below” happy endings kind.

Concierge - $5-$10 if you need help to get a reservation for dinner, tickets to a show/concert/guestlist. $15 if the favour is above and beyond and I don’t need to elaborate on this one I don’t think.

Doorman (hotel) – $1 for finding a taxi. $2 for helping with your luggage.

Nightclub doorman/security- $20-$100 depending on what they do for you (get you in ahead of the line, guide you through the maze of a line-up, pay no attention to what “you’re doing in the corner”, helps you with a taxi, helps you with an asshole in the club – good to tip if this is your regular club).

Parking Attendant – $2 – $5. Remember they run down the street, through freezing wind, to get your car when you’re done at a restaurant, private party or other event.

Taxi Driver – I know I know it already costs fricken $4.25 just to sit your ass in the seat, hence why it’s best to figure out if transit or cab is worth your travels. Tip depends on if the driver helps you with your luggage(s)/parcel(s). Tip: 10 – 15%. Tip an extra $1 per bag if the driver helps you with it, $2 for each bag weighing 50lbs or more. PS - I find hard to believe people tip taxi drivers 10% and servers who pick up after them the same amount when servers don’t make $10-12/hour like taxi drivers do.

Pizza Delivery Driver – This is of much debate no matter what time of year we’re in. Some delivery drivers don’t get the Cost of Delivery while others do. Unfortunately you will never know. This is why it’s best to simply tip 10%. More so if delivery is during inclement weather where 15% is proper. They’re not serving you food or drinks like a server/bartender do, but they still deserve a proper tip.

This season tip proper!

EPITHET :: ‘Butch’, ‘Femme’, ‘Lipstick Lesbian’, ‘Chapstick Lesbian’, ‘Gold-Star Lesbian’, ‘Lone Star Lesbian’, ‘Hasbian’, ‘Stem Futch Boi’… Labels make me crazy! At an event a couple of years ago my wife Laurie and I were standing close to the stage when a prop fell to the floor in front of us. As I moved to lift it back up, the MC said into the mic, “That’s what we need, Breakspear. A strong butch to take care of things around here.”

I felt my face burn and I began to seethe. Not only had she called me a butch – a label I’ve never been comfortable with – but she did so in front of a crowd of people who could now possibly associate me with that label.

I’ve never been comfortable with labels, nor do I understand why the queer community is so keen to attach them to ourselves and other people. When I came out at 18 it was the early 80’s. Annie Lennox was Elvis at the Grammy Awards, David Bowie had taken  Ziggy Stardust into androgyny fame, and Susan Sarandon, Catherine Deneuve and again Bowie were the sexiest undead ever. Both the famous and the not-so were resisting being pegged as any one specific look or type.

Likewise, my peers and I didn’t want to be the butches and femmes of the previous generation. We wore our Levis, rugby shirts and high tops and thought we were pushing against the tide. We wore ear cuffs, spiked our hair and danced all night to Parachute Club, Cyndi Lauper, The Eurythmics, Wham! and Culture Club. We thought we were creating a place for ourselves where it didn’t matter how any of us presented ourselves or whether in any given moment we looked or seemed more masculine or feminine.

For ten years I was a paramedic and wore a uniform to work. I was read as a guy just as often as I was a woman. The uniform was what people saw first, particularly in time of crisis, and their expectation was that the capable person in uniform was male.

As the Executive Director of QMUNITY, my work day uniform is the West Coast version of business casual (which means very casual) but there are times for suits, and getting glammed up is in order now and again. For dress-up occasions I have found a number of sufficiently dressy, cleavage revealing, colourful outfits (and even a dress now and then) and, most importantly, heels I can wear comfortably for a few hours. I subsequently enjoy the confusion I see on the faces of some who had thought they had me all figured out.  I am more than my clothes and I am certainly more than what anyone might think my clothes mean.

And so is my partner. It hadn’t occurred to me until she pointed it out that when someone assigns a label to me they are also making limiting assumptions about her. As in, if they read me as butch she must be femme, etc. If there is one thing I’ve learned in our 15+ years together, Laurie will not be limited. She is made up of many different aspects much like a polygon with many different sides (and I say that not just because she is a Gemini). It is all those limitless possibilities, differences and dimensions that are why I love her. And why I can’t stand it when she or I or anyone else is confined by one dimensional stereotypical perceptions.

A label conveys a superficial glimpse at one aspect of a person.  Let’s keep the labels and boxes for holiday gifts, and free our imaginations to see beyond one momentary presentation.

We are all so much more.

We’ll cut to the chase. Any man who can invent a condiment called bacon jam is in our book beyond worthy. Chef Joshua Henderson is our Man of the Hour and takes  TMI Questionnaire. Read it while enjoying grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon jam, brussel sprouts sauteed in bacon jam, potatoes mashed with bacon jam, while making love in bacon jam. Bacon jam.

JUST THE FACTS

I’m a: Libra.
I’m: 39 years old.
I was born: Yes, I was.
I: Am a chef.
My fave colour: Dark blue.
Passion: Creating.
Inspiration: My boy, Huck, and my wife, Kelli.
My Canadian icon is: Poutine.
Fantasy entourage: Mario Batali and Jamie Oliver.
Irresistible in a mate: Humour.
I’m currently crushing on: My son…or Kate Beckinsale.
Fictional best friend: Brad Pitt
Turn-on: Sarcasm
Phrase I most overuse: “Whats up, dude?”
Most people would be surprised to know I: Majored in voice for my undergrad.
Talent I wish I had: I wish I was better at drawing.
The celebrity I most closely resemble is: Sidney Poitier.
The one word my best friend would use to describe me is: Driven.
My parents wanted me to be this when I grew up: Probably just happy.
When I order a cocktail I ask for: Whiskey.

GUILTY PLEASURES

TV: Any chef show.
Song: Dancing to Katy Perry with my son.
Greatest extravagance: Good beer.
Candy: Red vines.
Last impulse-purchase: iPad.
Last regretted purchase: Pair of jeans from Levis, they are so fucking hard to make fit right.

WEAR APPARENT

Jeans: Levis.
Footwear: Adidas.
Underwear: J Crew, Boxers.
Watch: None.
Eyewear: geekwear – thick frames.
Casual: J Crew.
Formal: Usually not.
Cologne: None, but sometimes a sandlewood oil.

BEAUTY DUTY

Shampoo: Soap and soap.
Face wash: More soap.
Moisturizer: Fryer oil in the kitchen.
Body Lotion: See above.
Make-Up Line: Burns from cooking.
Indulgence: A $400 Japanese knife.

GOTTA GETTA GADGET

Gadgets: iPhone
On my music player now: Run DMC.
Best app ever: The iPhone Level.

CULTURE VULTURE

Last book read: The Steve Jobs biography.
Last movie seen: Drive.
Last concert: U2.
Last play: Can’t remember.
Last song sung in the shower: Probably a Christmas song…

OBSESSIONS

Current obsession: Communal table.
Past obsession: Cooking in the desert.
Future obsession: A farm.

CRYSTAL BALL

The next big thing will be: High-end fast food.
I see myself in this place in ten years: Living on a farm.

AND FINALLY …

Words of wisdom: Have the courage to be humble.

Henderson’s savoury Skillet Original Bacon Spread is available at All the Best Fine Foods.

The tenth in a series as we count down to Madonna’s new album. QUARTERBACK :: It has been confirmed that Madonna will be performing five songs at the Super Bowl XLVI halftime show February 5th, 2012. I received a rush of tweets as soon as the announcement was made, and posted the confirmed news even before the official Madonna website did. The press release says that the show will be directed by  M’s long-time collaborator Jamie King, and will be a Cirque de Soleil-themed spectacle.

Rumours of Madonna’s Super Bowl performance began this past September. However, her publicist Liz Rosenberg (who, since I met in New York, I’m convinced is my new best friend), could neither “confirm nor deny” the rumours. Then the demo version of Madonna’s first single off her yet-to-be-named album leaked, “Give Me All Your Love,” and the song contains and entire cheerleading theme/section. Cheerleading? Super Bowl? Makes sense to me.

I think I’m underestimating how huge this performance will be. Last year, the Super Bowl had an estimated 111 million views, and that’s not even including the gays (yes, I’m stereotyping). Add at least another five to ten million who will be watching just for Madonna, and this becomes the most-watched program ever.

The biggest question, besides what songs she will perform (I’m thinking two new ones, three old – can I get some “Deeper and Deeper” or “Express Yourself” in there, please?), is what is the Super Bowl?

See all of you there!

Philip Tetro is our resident Madonnaologist. He’s created a religion-based lifestyle, worshipping everything she’s ever done. You can also catch him as a regular panelist on MTV Canada’s 1 girl 5 gays.

Jack Layton as Canadian icon, positive people as a turn-on, and on a bad day looks like “more like Nick Nolte’s famous mug shot”? Sold!  All about cleavage music maker Carrie Chesnutt is our Woman of the Hour and takes our TMI Questionnaire:

JUST THE FACTS

I’m a (star sign): I am an Aries, on the cusp of Taurus (yikes is right!).
I’m (age): Older than Gaga, younger than Tina.
I am a: Music maker.
My fave colour: Purple tending towards periwinkle  Passion: love.
My Canadian icon is: Jack Layton.
Fantasy entourage: Patti Labelle, Bette Midler, and Cher.
Fictional best friend: Dr. Christian Northrup.
Turn-ons: Positive people.
Irresistible in a mate: Patience.
Phrase I most overuse: “I’ll get back to you.”
Most people would be surprised to know: I can cook, too.
Talent I wish I had: Hardcore business skills.
The celebrity I most closely resemble is: Elizabeth Taylor on a good day… in the morning, more like Nick Nolte’s famous mug shot with the bad hair.
The one word my best friend would use to describe me is: Resilient.
My parents wanted me to be this when I grew up: Employed.
When I order a cocktail I ask for: A double.

GUILTY PLEASURES

TV: Modern Family.
Song: “Sexy and I know It” by LMFAO (“Animal print pants out of control”). Oh yeah.
Greatest extravagance: Potions and vitamins and powders  of all types to stay alive and kicking for another day.
Candy: dark chocolate covered coffee beans.
Last impulse-purchase: Victoria’s Secret “Miracle” bra.
Last regretted purchase: Cheap socks.

WEAR APPARENT

Jeans: Don’t really do jeans. Love bellbottoms, though!
Footwear: Sensible hooker shoes.
Underwear: Lace.
Watch: Don’t wear one.
Eyewear: Derek Cardigan 7005 super huge cat eyes. Very geeky!
Casual: Cleavage and something black.
Formal: Cleavage and  something black with something shiny.
Perfume / Cologne: “Creme Brule”  by Bathwerks. People follow me on the street and ask  me what I am wearing. It has totally replaced my $200 bottle of Jean Paul Gaultier!

BEAUTY DUTY

Shampoo: “Ice Cream” by Inybra.
Face wash: Alba.
Moisturizer: Organic Lukui Oil by Alba.
Body Lotion: “Creme Brule” by Bathwerks.
Make-Up Line: MAC.
Indulgence: a day at Body Blitz: scrubbed rubbed and polished from head to toe. Followed  by dinner at Fresh, then great champagne with something  raspberry and chocolate.

GOTTA GETTA GADGET

Gadgets: ALL THINGS MAC.  I love my iPhone. How did I live without it? I’m in  the MAC  ONE 2 ONE geek school now and I love it!
On my music player now: My music to learn for the Women’s Blues Revue and various songs in production.
I always PVR: I stream on my computer.
Best app ever: Hayhouse Radio.

CULTURE VULTURE

Last book read: Tom Waits’ biography.
Last movie seen: Tortilla Soup with Raquel Welch.
Last concert: Prince at the ACC (Air Canada Centre in Toronto).
Last play: Tracy Erin Smith’s Soul-0 Theater’s course graduation performance (I was a student).
Last song sung in the shower: I bathe, darling! It’s the only time in the day I don’ t really sing to myself.. I just lay back and enjoy.

OBSESSIONS

Current obsession: Raw flax crackers.
Past obsession: Hair and wigs (okay, maybe not all in the past!).
Future obsession: Becoming an organized person (really more of a fantasy!).

CRYSTAL BALL

The next big thing will be: Saxophone solos back in pop music.
I see myself in this place in ten years: Somewhere warm.

AND FINALLY…

Words of wisdom: Spend more time with happy people who work hard and see the best in others.

Carrie will be debuting two new songs at the Inspire Award presentation and cocktail reception on Dec 14, 2011 at The Courtyard Marriot (475 Yonge Street).

WINNING :: The eighth in a series as we count down to Madonna’s new album. Yes, seriously. I love Madonna and I love Vodka. That’s why I found it fit to enter the official ICON Madonna Fanclub contest to win a pair of tickets to the private Madonna/Smirnoff Dance Party in New York City this Saturday.

For months I’ve had this electric feeling around me that something big was happening to me before Christmas. I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t know how I was going to get it. All I had was a feeling telling me to relax because something amazing was coming my way. And I believed in it, worry-free. I surrendered my thoughts to the universe and, of course, I won the goddam contest.

I have five days to plan a trip to NYC to basically get drunk and party with the only woman I have ever been in love with. Commence the diet, tears, shopping, haircut, facial, and back wax.

I’ll be right back everyone. I’m just going to New York to party with the Queen.

RELATED :: Why Phil’s dreams come true.

Dyke on ice / Image courtesy: Jennifer Breakspear

I’m a queer woman. I like (some) sports. Therefore I must be into lesbian team sports. NOT. I have never been on a lesbian softball team. I can’t stand bowling. Football? Forget it! Rightly or wrongly I have long carried the impression that lesbian sports are an incestuous and exclusive enclave of drama and nastiness. Now don’t start yelling at me. If you are right into lesbian team sports and it all works for you that’s great. It’s just that the whole concept has been one I would rather run from than toward.

Here’s the thing. I’ve always enjoyed athletic pursuits. I eagerly jumped into any and all sports and activities. I played hockey for a number of years and skated countless miles on the Rideau Canal. Cycling was and remains a constant for me but I also shot lots of hoops, played badminton, tennis, rugby, skied, canoed, kayaked, and hiked.

RELATED :: Sir Ian McKellan slams professional sports players, organizations, fans for homophobia

When I came out and started to find lesbian community in Ottawa I learned of lesbian team sports but never joined a team. Lesbian team sports scared me. The women who played seemed to me to be serious, intense, competitive and unfriendly. However I did find casual, less organized dyke sports fun. On summer Saturdays a ragtag bunch of dykes would gather in a downtown park and bat a ball around. There was no formal team structure. We just played with whoever showed up. In the winter a similar system worked for volleyball on Sundays. I enjoyed the casualness of it all. No need to commit, it was non-competitive, more about laughing at ourselves and getting through the game and on to the food and drink afterwards than who won and by how many points. And it was drama-free.

Then life got busy, relationship and work took up time and organized team sports (lesbian or otherwise) feel off my radar. I would bike, hike, and ski when I could but joining a team to play a sport seemed unimportant.

Dragon boating / Image: Jennifer Breakspear

When Laurie and I moved out to the coast we were intrigued by the omnipresent dragon boats racing in the waters around Vancouver. On our first wedding anniversary we decided to give the sport a try by participating in a learn-to-paddle session and from there we joined a team and quickly got right into the exciting sport. We met a few other lesbian paddlers and started pondering the possibility of paddling with other lesbians, maybe forming a team. We put out the word and the next race season saw Sisters in Sync take to the waters.

At first it was all just so much fun. We trained hard, partied hard, raced hard and bumped up against more than our share of lesbian drama. Medals were won, friendships formed, some relationships started, others ended. My love of the sport was able to (usually) outweigh my distaste for drama. After a number of years paddling with the Sisters I moved into coaching and where I share my love of the sport and watch others find their joy in paddling.

And then this fall I saw a Facebook post about a queer women and trans volleyball league. I was intrigued. Facebook messages back and forth assured me that this league is not about competition, that no volleyball experience or expertise is required and drama is minimal.

I could really use more regular physical activity and something social that takes me out of work space is welcome so I waded in. I joined Scared Hitless, a team where I already knew a couple of people, and warily went to the first game. In spite of all the assurances I was certain I would be laughed off the court for my lack of v-ball prowess. I wouldn’t fit in. They would kick me off for flubbing a serve and losing a point. Everyone would be part of some nasty clique and nobody would talk to me.

Was I wrong?! I can’t get enough of volleyball and Scared Hitless. This team is the most fun you can have in a school gym. Magnificently and theatrically missing the ball is cause for much (friendly) laughter. My teammates are incredibly supportive, offering gentle advice on improving my serve and cheering every effort. We have nicknames for each other and email chatter between games continues the silliness beyond the one evening of play.

RELATED :: More Jennifer Breakspear

Could it be that I was wrong about lesbian team sports? Or is there something in the queer women and trans aspect of this league that makes it all much less uptight? I don’t know but somehow, without meaning to, I’m on a queer women’s sports team. And loving it. Who knew?