So, I’ve had an interesting few weeks since my last post.

I had a boyfriend for just over two weeks. I broke it off Monday night. Didn’t want to do it on Valentines. I’m not that big a bitch. Well I am, but he was different.

What saddens me about the whole situation is that I could see myself with the guy down the road. The timing was just all wrong. We both made mistakes early on. My mistake was dating a flight attendant. At first, it seemed fun. We wanted the same things, had a great connection. We talked about going on vacations and travelling. I was content. I soon realized it was not the best occupation to have when you decide to start a relationship. I would go 4-5 days without seeing him. As a Scorpio, that doesnt sit well with me. I need to have a lover who is close by. Lets face it: scorpios are horny 24/7! He has done drag a few times, so he didn’t have a problem with dating a drag queen. However, there were a few lessons he had to learn. The same ones I’ve had to teach a few others before him. Thinking about it, I’ve decided to share these with you in case you one day find yourself madly in love with a queen on the scene. Here’s a few helpful tips! Kisses!

Tip 1: Don’t think you’re dating a woman. You’re dating a boy. We don’t live as women. The ones that do are called transexuals. They don’t perform on stages, just Homewood and Maitland. You’ll be dating a guy, and a lot of times we’re more masculine than you! I know more drag queens who are tops than bottoms. Just sayin’!

Tip 2: If you’re going to try on wigs, ask first. Nothing I hate more than walking in on someone wearing one of my best and looking like a mess with no dress. The Sherbourne Health Centre is down the street, honey.

Tip 3: Don’t be clingy. If you go out on the town with a queen and they’re popular or well-known, anticipate that people are going to come up to them and talk to them. Don’t get jealous and protective. Its cute in small doses, but ODing is not the way to go.

Tip 4: If you say ‘I’m coming to your show’, SHOW UP! Don’t text them at midnight telling them you’re in Montreal! That example might be a little personal. Oh well. Anyways, if you say you’re going to come to a show, be there. Sometimes queens have a rough night. After all, we’re underpaid and underappreciated in Toronto. Its always nice to have that smiling, familar face in the crowd to keep our spirits high.

Tip 5: Don’t call us by our drag names when we’re boys. Nothing I hate more than a guy introducing me to his friends as Heroine Marks. When you do that, you just come off as a star fucker.

Tip 6: Don’t expect us to always pay your tab at the end of the night with our show fee. I don’t have ATM written on my forehead, do I? Oh I do. How did that get there? I, personally, don’t mind once in a blue moon, especially if I’ve made tips that night. But if it becomes a weekly routine, I’ll escort you to the door. See ya!

Tip 7: Once in awhile, it wouldn’t kill you to carry our suitcases. Its very sweet and any queen walking to a gig in heels will thank you. After all, you’re not being paid to just stand there and look pretty. I am, so get a wheelin’, Mary!

Tip 8: Tip us! It gets the ball rolling. Wink wink.

That is all for now! Hopefully I didn’t scare anyone off from dating queens. We’re really nice people under all the layers. Well most of us.

Until next time…

With love and venom,

Heroine Marks

Ps. Come see me perform at Fierce Fridays every Friday night at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street). Show starts at 9pm with myself and the fabulous Miss Conception! See you there, sweeties!

I’m writing this post the only way I know how. Hung over.

Last night I had a fabulous evening performing at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) with the legendary Terri Stevens. We had a table of 15 in the front row who were celebrating their graduation from make-up school. I’ve never felt more judged in my life, and I grew up with an Italian mother.  Well, that’s not true. When I purchased the Sarah Palin memoirs, I received some stares from the cashiers. But, that’s a story for another day.

It’s hard to believe that Christmas is less than a week away. I feel as though I’m lacking in Christmas spirit. I think the absense of snow on the ground has a lot to do with this. The way global warming is taking affect, Pride will soon be a winter wonderland. I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping. Hope my sister likes Dollarama nic nacs!

I decorated my tree in the hopes that it would help me get into the season of giving(head). Rather than putting an angel or star of David on the top of my tree, I decided to do things a little differently. I stuck a tiara on top that flashes ‘Bitch’. I had to give it the Heroine Marks treatment afterall.

I bought myself an early Christmas gift this week. Two tickets to go see Joan Rivers live! I’m so excited. I want to see her before she either dies or has her face stretched to the point where her eyes become her ears. By now, I can only assume clothes pins are back there keeping everything together. My seats are in row 12. I could have purchased row 6-8, but I was worried the lights would be harsh and I hate the smell of burning plastic. At least in row 12 there is enough of a distance.

Here’s a funny story courtesy of our friends at Canada Post. I opened my mailbox yesterday morning and found a piece of mail for my former roommate. He was Jewish and very religious. He had plates that were for meat only and others that could only be used for dairy products. I use to tell him ‘Just have a BLT and shut it!’ He moved out shortly after. The envelope that came in the mail was marked ‘United Jewish Association’. Well, didn’t Canada Post stamp ‘Merry Christmas’ right on the front of it? Sinfully delicious!

Tonight I’ll be working upstairs at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) during what Lena Over is calling her final Cheap Show. Be sure to come check out the show and stay for dinner and drinks! Sunday evening I’ll also be working and performing upstairs during the Christmas edition of the Window Show with Bunny LeBlanc and Bitch Diva(Virgina Richmond is sick, unfortunately). It is going to be a fabulous weekend of events at Zelda’s Living Well, so be sure to join in on the fun! See you there, sweeties!

With love and venom,

Heroine Marks

xoxo

For those of you who didn’t know, a drag legend returned to Church Street last night in a big way. Scarlett Fever made a return to the Woody’s stage Sunday evening to compete against 13 other queens for the title of Smirnoff Czarina 2010. With no surprise, Scarlett won the title beating queens old and new. I’m very excited that she has returned. I’m hoping to chat with her soon about her victory and comeback. Stay tuned.

Speaking about the return of legends, this Friday at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) I welcome the one and only Terri Stevens as my special guest co-host for Fierce Fridays. We’re planning some Reba and Kelly Clarkson(which is easy for me, since Kelly is fat now). It is sure to be a fun evening, full of laughs. I’m also excited to introduce my lil drag sister to the stage, D’Manda Tension. We have some fabulous duets prepared so be sure to come check out the twisted sisters at 9pm!

Here’s some exciting news! Cassandra Moore will be getting a new weekly show at The Barn in the New Year. Glad to see a new queen getting recognized with her own show. Hope this is a new trend for 2010. There are too many bad queens on Church Street parading around with their tired acts and fried wigs. Is it really hard to learn something that is on the radio now and not from 15 years ago? Hell, is it really hard to know your words or even do more than just stand in the middle of the stage? This, in no way, is my attempt at discrediting the trailblazers and queens before me. Nevertheless, the queens that will always be remembered are the ones who knew when to quit when they were on top. If you’re a queen who is only doing drag for the booze, hang up your heels. If learning a new song, restocking your drag room, or putting together a character look is too much for you, get out of the business. You’re taking up space for the next generation who have something to offer and are being overlooked. Call me a bitch if you want. I call myself one every day!

With love and venom,

Heroine Marks

xoxo

About a month ago, during the height of my Lithium/France Farmer withdrawal state of mind, I took out my dogs to Allen Gardens off leash area. Though never at the butcher, but more of a crack house large dog side, but where all the little princess, mob dogs, and people who don’t realize a puppy who will grow up to be a 100 pounds at nine weeks does not mix with very wee adult dogs.

I began my ritual off equipping myself with the iPod headphones in , and dark sunglasses on. This equipment is necessary to escape the Mylie Cyrus-like adoration the little 2.5-pound Chihuahua gets while out and about.

The sun was out, I was into my music, and then suddenly while trying to get into my apartment a friend of mine was opening the door for me, and another woman outside was just staring at me. I couldn’t hear anything, nor did I really no what the hell was going on? Why wasn’t this woman moving? Why is J holding the door blocking it with his bike?

Then I realized he was doing this for me, but he got a bit bitch about it, but it really was nothing. I’ve known him for a very long time. And out of the blue, like a switch was flicked, I just went off at him. In the 16 years I’ve known him, I’ve never done this.

However, at the time, my ego told me I was perfectly justified and it was time to “not take it anymore.” Whatever the “it” was that my ego was feeding me.

Well it didn’t take long until the next day that I knew that I had to go against the ego and find some humilty to apologize. Seeing that I had no idea of “J’s” schedule, I bought a card and wrote a note apologizing. Included was a little gift card so he could go enjoy a couple of caffe lattes as the weather was starting to finally turn nice – so I thought.

A few days later I saw him, and unbeknownst to me he was quite touched that I actually did that. J then told me he was making a card for me, and he hope I thought it was funny.

And I did. It was during pride I found the envelope at my door with some very old photos dating back from the days when I maybe weighed 140 pounds. In it with the photo in drag asked the question, “Does this dog make me look fat?” I howled, excuse the pun, when I saw it.

I was so skinny back then I’d alway say, “If I could only gain twenty-pounds, I could impersonate Karen Carpenter! We passed quickly in the elevator and I said, “Loved the card, and that photo makes me feel fat!”

The point of telling this story is that last Saturday, J went missing. A report had been filed with my building security that a policeman came by to say he was at Sunnybrook.

When I called, there as no record of him being there. Finally he was found at St. Mich’s. trauma ward in ICU from a biking accident. He still has to have major surgery, and has some pretty blunt head trauma.

This point of writing is that, as I shared last night, in the moment when you are pissed off and you have the opportunity to swallow your pride and make it right, do it. I would have felt so awful had I not let he know that him know he was worth the apology.

So in another act of complete humility I’m posting the two photos, and a close up for your viewing pleasure.

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