I have really been pushing my work a lot lately with little response and with a client graduating that, has excelled beyond my expectations. And having reignited my passion for Coaching. I found myself questioning what I really want. I admit it. I wanted to quit!

I was challenged by my GayGuideToronto.com publisher to coach myself by asking what would CoachBe say?

He would say what’s worked in the past?
B: Hair has worked in the past.
Cb: Is that what you want?
B: No but I need to make money. What I am doing right now is not making money at all. I am having a hard time even giving it away. I get results from those who do not pay and no results from those who do.
Cb: So when you give it away it works.
B: Yes.
Cb: What do you value?
B: My values are love, choice, faith, belonging.
Cb: I didn’t hear money. Which of the two options gives you the most of your values?
B: Coaching.
Cb: What does that mean?
B: It means that I love coaching and what I really want is just to coach. I do not subscribe to societies value of money. However, money does act as a leverage to keep my clients accountable. We also need money to function. However I am not bankrupt.
Cb: What I hear is that what you want is value.
B: Yes.
Cb: So what if you just filled your practice?
B: I have tried to give a half hour away on GGT but was met with resistance.
Cb: What kind of resistance?
B: Well, the fear of “opening up a can of worms”.
Cb: How are you taking that because, I sense your disappointment. Also, I still don’t quite see how giving a half an hour away is filling your practice.
B: Yes I am disappointed, err.. I hadn’t see it that way before.
Cb: What specifically are you seeing now?
B: Well, if the client was afraid that the can of worms would be opened and I don’t have a full practice. So then, I could offer the client 12 sessions after. For that matter I could just give my time away and do it until my practice is full.
Cb: What would that do?
B: It would provide me with all of my values which is all I ever want for my clients.
Cb: And…
B: It would provide me with word of mouth advertising because I know what coaching can do for myself and for others my clients tell me all the time.
Cb: So what does it take to fill your practice?
B: I could just do it because I love it and I believe in it! I could give it away.
Cb: What would that look like?
B: I don’t know.
Cb: Well I know that means you need time to think so let’s leave it there. Your homework is to think about how you can give it all away.

I’m always open to suggestions.
Stay tuned!

As promised in his campaign, Mayor Rob Ford said he would save me money! I have to share how he’s done this already. Thanks to his Honours special guest, that had the lovely privilege of placing the “Chain of Command” around his Honours neck. Don Cherry, addressed chambers with a good hearty dose of verbal diarrhea. Spewing forth such siloing statements such as: “I wore (Pepto-Bismol) pink to honour all those bike left wing pinkos”. I love Don Cherry because I think he represents the Right very well. Unfortunately that day, he should have drank the the pink instead of spewing. I do believe Pepto comes in Mr. Cherry flavour!

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Last week or so, I posted one of my posts and Partick Marano (Eddie Stone) posted it on Facebook asking the question: “Could you handle a poly-amorous relationship?” One of his friends replied that he could not as he would be jealous. I happened upon it and thought to myself Huh? I guess I need to address this and I did with the response “I thought we had a choice to act on our feelings or not.”

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ONE GREAT THING – A GayGuideGiftGuide:

Dear Santa(s),

All I want for Christmas is an 

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Have you ever had one of those days when you just need something to lighten the mood a little? I have the perfect thing for you! Clam Slam! A little known Pride Affiliated event that’s chalk full’o craziness. First of all I do have to apologize to my Trans readers I so really wanted to cover the March that took place yesterday It was one of those event that I personally have never been too and I am aware of the struggles that this community is experiencing. I will cover some of my thought on this, in a whole post dedicated to the Trans Community as soon as Pride is over.

Early in the morning I went into Maggi’s room and discovered a whole bottle of Lorazapams that she felt she did not need to tell me about. I was feeling rather played by the time we had our guest come over to head out to the Toronto Roller Derby. I was in desperate need of something fun and very silly.

The Hanger, is located at Downsview park it’s quite the complex and I need to investigate the goings on there. I was surprised at the amount of space this complex took up. When we approached the building their was of course, music pouring out of what is a massive empty space with a simple rope line on the ground marking out the rink. Nothing like the old ’70s velodrome rinks. The players were skating around warning up and their was an overwhelming sense of camaraderie between the player a stark contrast to when the game was actually being played.

The crowd was so into the event cheering on team members with names like, Mexican Jumping Mean and Sista Fista. Over all the evening was highly entertaining and very fast paced. Those girls know how to have a good time. Hopefully next year they will have a Trans Team ’cause that would just make the whole event that much more fun. I will go back next year. Also The Toronto Roller Derby holds event through out the year so check out their full schedule on line.

In the end the Vagine Regime won 105 – 60 for the Clam Diggers.

Next on the Pride Train for me is Cindy Lauper have a great pride everybody!

Aghhhh! I have a huge weight on my shoulders and I’m not really sure who I should tell in order to get it off. You see about 8 weeks ago I received some rather shocking photos of my partners mother who has been an alcoholic for over 20 years. These photos were not very flattering. Err too bloody for such a sensitive viewership. Fact is she fell down the stairs 3 times breaking every bone you can imagine. She does not remember much of that event.

A few days later we received a telephone call stating that my partners Mother has admitted herself into detox. Knowing the full extent of what has been happening over the past 5 years and not being a stranger to addiction, I offered to have her in our home to aid her in her recovery 3 days in, she was at my door.

When my Mother-in-law arrived she could not walk, smoke a cigarette, take a bath, or feed herself. She had been drinking a 26 oz bottle of Vodka per day not to mention the 6 – 10 Lorazipam, the 4 Diazapam, 2 Oxazipam, the Tylonol 3′s, the 10 Gravols that were “helping” her with stomach pains. (Gravol around the 10 pill mark per day will cause hallucinations) and all of her other symptomatic solutions that came in the form of bottles from the pharmacy, some of them legitimate some of them not so legitimate. Needless to say she does not recall the first 3 weeks of her stay.

All I can say is that I am so proud of how far she has come, everything is gone but 2 lorazipams spaced through the day and 2 oxzaipams to help her sleep. Next week we change the sleeping meds to something to still help her sleep but not be addictive. Only one more month and she’ll be off the ‘pams all togeather. She has taken the initiative to admit herself into a program and she is driving the whole process. I am simply helping /coaching her to become aware of the harm that she is doing to herself.

You may be asking, why am I telling you all of this? Well, I have not attended pride for many, many years. For me it it a symbol of everything I gave up the moment I stopped doing crystal. It’s the Christmas day of the gay community and every present is wrapped in drugs, alcohol and sex. I fondly remember wanting to go to every single event because I did not want to miss a moment. I fondly remember eagerly going to pickup my pass that would serve as my passport to the party.

I love writing for Gayguidetoronto.com Shaun Proulx, has been more than generous to me since I started writing. But never did I expect that I would receive the privilege of having access to all events at pride as media, for this generosity I am grateful. I accepted the gift with the thought that I would cover sober pride. It seems appropriate considering that I do speak about the subject often and that subject would limit me from having to attending the more hard core events.

Over the past few days my mother in law has been doing extremely well, well enough to go home for a few days and it has provided me much needed space to get back into my life. Which means that I got to be back on Facebook. When I first logged in, I was met with all this Pride Toronto stuff and the hard decision they have had to make. it bummed me out. I am not here to pass judgment on either side how ever I will say one thing this whole dilemma has made me question how much I really want to go to pride?

I am all about free speech and I am all about helping the underdog. Sorry I think it’s hard wired. The thought that any group within our community, weather I agree with their perspective or not to be asked not to attend just amazes me. I feel un-invited and I feel that any personal pride I did have, has been ripped out of me. We as a community did not start pride because we were told “we could” by our community or our government.

So in all of this I have a huge project, one that I am getting many wins and I have much pride! I am grateful for the opportunity however, strangely now going to pride seems like I’m only contributing to my clients addictions. After all, with all the fighting within the community what can I be proud of? We all seem so segmented to the point of no longer being unified.

So I have this pass. I have this great thing that’s happening in my family. I don’t feel very proud, I don’t party, and now I’m asking my community and you, why should I go?

I challenge you!!!!

In life, suffering often comes down to attachment vs detachment. We can attach/detach to/from a variety of people, things, concepts, dreams and thoughts. Attachments are about bonds that we form to those things in relationship to ourselves. It is what gives us a working model of how our world works.

Attachment:
Attachment is formed out of our primary relationships in our early years and It is founded from our bonds with our parents and/or primary care givers. There are 4 basic styles that humans use to attach later on in life. They are:

Secure Attachment (passionate)
Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me. These people think: I achieve my goals with relative ease and I am okay with any outcome I adapt as I go along”

Insecure Attachments (obsessive)

Anxious preoccupied attachment:
People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them”. These people think: I can’t do it but I can get others to do it for me.

Dismissive- Avoidance attachment:
People with a dismissive style of avoidance attachment tent to agree with these statements: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important for me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.” These people think: I am independent. I can do it best on my own.

Fearful- avoidance attachment:
People with the fearful style of avoidance attachment tend to agree with the following statements: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I become too close to others.” These people think: I want to achieve this but I just don’t know if I can and I am not sure who can or would help me.

Over the course of many interactions we form expectations about the accessibility and the helpfulness of the things of which we become attached. These expectations reflect our thoughts about ourselves and about our world. It is our thoughts about ourselves together with the thoughts about our world that form our working model for attachment. Bartholomew and Horowitz examined the relationship between attachment style, self esteem, and sociability. The diagram below shows the relationship they observed. In this diagram we can clearly see the relationship between our thoughts of ourselves, “I believe that I am worthy or not” vs our thoughts about the world outside of us ” I believe that the world outside of me thinks I am worthy or not worthy”


Detachment
Detachment is the release from desire and consequently from suffering. It is an important principle, or even ideal, in the Baha i Faith, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Jainism, Kabbalah, and Taoism. It is the the state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment or desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.

Self Application
Don Miguel Riuz author of the four agreements speaks about desire and how it has two components. When desire is expressed in a healthy fashion, it becomes passion and when it’s expressed in a harmful manner it becomes obsession. We attach to our desired outcome. Detachment is the ability to to overcome an attachment to a desired outcome (obsession) which leads to true passion.

Reflection
What are you attached too?
What areas are you willing to detach from?
Knowing that detachment is about not having a desired outcome or being obsessed, what are you truly passionate about?
Knowing what you are truly attaching to is a powerful way to explore the many underlying belief systems that you may have. Not only those beliefs you hold for yourself but also the beliefs you hold about the world outside of yourself. Truly understand that attaching without a belief system that says that you can achieve what ever you want will only leave you feeling very alone and others feeling used. Also understanding that attaching without a belief system that says that others will support you will often leave you missing out on opportunity. Truly understand what is it that we are attaching to or detaching from can be a liberating and motivating experience and it can be a new source for meaning, purpose and passion.

Reflection
What outcomes are you attached to when working with your clients?
How can we use our clients unhealthy attachments to best support them in moving forward?

Every morning I wake up sit at Facebook and patiently wait for my partner to go to work. When I say ‘patiently’ I really mean painfully! Once he leaves I go to the box on the counter and spin a wee bit ‘o medicine, spark it up and head off to the bathroom to do my best to relieve my self of the gut wrenching pain. I get this every morning from the HIV Medications that I take the night before that have been sitting and stewing. 1/4 of a stick is all it takes! I do this ritual out of respect for my partner that has a stressful job and does not need to start his day in a cloud.

My mother god bless her, has been a opioid addict for as long as I can remember. She has a rare genetic disease that allows micro-fragments of bone to spontaneously grow through out her body. It’s not that convenient for her when they decide to grow in places like the ball and cup of her hip or be hind her knee cap. I don’t blame her for going the conventional path and ingesting highly addictive narcotic drugs for over 20 years. If you remember one of my dreams on my dreams list is to simply smoke a joint with my Mother. Not that I want her to lighten up or get waisted but simply to try to see if it relieves her of her pain. Opioids do not work any longer and she still is taking them. For me my mother smoking a joint and having it relieve some of her pain would mean that I was able to reduce the harm in my mothers life. Opioid addiction is not easy she’s in her 60′s and in assisted living already.

And then I saw this… (Unfortunately I can not embed the video) This is the security footage of “Cannabis As Living Medicine” – C.A.L.M. a local compassion clinic operating in Toronto for many years being raided by Toronto Police.

Got me thinking… What if my Mother was in C.A.L.M. that day getting her medicine and was thrown around like this? I would be livid. I know that the law says it’s illegal but really, the Government also says the we can use Marijuana for medicine. There are a myriad of problems with the Government run program. Dr’s not wanting to fill out the forms or making people sign a release from liability form. Most Dr’s, actually recommend that client just go to compassion clinics. It’s easier, less invasive to your privacy. Not that people with Disabilities have privacy with the Ontario Disability Support Program. Compassion clubs also extended the community of people living with disabilities illness or pain. Living with HIV can be lonely and C.A.L.M. was one of the only places people could gather together and talk about others experiences that are outside of their own.

What’s the harm really?  For me I can not drink alcohol due to liver problems, smoking pot for leisure is reducing harm in my life. For my mother, reducing harm would be to replace the destructive opioids from her life. For 25% my community that is living with HIV/AIDS, it reduced harm by providing not only a safe, reliable place to get the quality product that works for them (not all pot is the same and not all pot produces the desired result) Government pot is all the same. (Get waisted) I don’t want to get waisted I just want the pain to go away.

I am embarrassed of the Toronto Police Department. What harm did they reduce? I would suspect that the clients of C.A.L.M. will still need their medicine and will have to support the very underground drug trade that they were trying to fight. The client files that have probably been breached. Dam it, it’s only pot! Come on California raise the bar!