In life, suffering often comes down to attachment vs detachment. We can attach/detach to/from a variety of people, things, concepts, dreams and thoughts. Attachments are about bonds that we form to those things in relationship to ourselves. It is what gives us a working model of how our world works.
Attachment:
Attachment is formed out of our primary relationships in our early years and It is founded from our bonds with our parents and/or primary care givers. There are 4 basic styles that humans use to attach later on in life. They are:
Secure Attachment (passionate)
Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me. These people think: I achieve my goals with relative ease and I am okay with any outcome I adapt as I go along”
Insecure Attachments (obsessive)
Anxious preoccupied attachment:
People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them”. These people think: I can’t do it but I can get others to do it for me.
Dismissive- Avoidance attachment:
People with a dismissive style of avoidance attachment tent to agree with these statements: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important for me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.” These people think: I am independent. I can do it best on my own.
Fearful- avoidance attachment:
People with the fearful style of avoidance attachment tend to agree with the following statements: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I become too close to others.” These people think: I want to achieve this but I just don’t know if I can and I am not sure who can or would help me.
Over the course of many interactions we form expectations about the accessibility and the helpfulness of the things of which we become attached. These expectations reflect our thoughts about ourselves and about our world. It is our thoughts about ourselves together with the thoughts about our world that form our working model for attachment. Bartholomew and Horowitz examined the relationship between attachment style, self esteem, and sociability. The diagram below shows the relationship they observed. In this diagram we can clearly see the relationship between our thoughts of ourselves, “I believe that I am worthy or not” vs our thoughts about the world outside of us ” I believe that the world outside of me thinks I am worthy or not worthy”

Detachment
Detachment is the release from desire and consequently from suffering. It is an important principle, or even ideal, in the Baha i Faith, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Jainism, Kabbalah, and Taoism. It is the the state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment or desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.
Self Application
Don Miguel Riuz author of the four agreements speaks about desire and how it has two components. When desire is expressed in a healthy fashion, it becomes passion and when it’s expressed in a harmful manner it becomes obsession. We attach to our desired outcome. Detachment is the ability to to overcome an attachment to a desired outcome (obsession) which leads to true passion.
Reflection
What are you attached too?
What areas are you willing to detach from?
Knowing that detachment is about not having a desired outcome or being obsessed, what are you truly passionate about?
Knowing what you are truly attaching to is a powerful way to explore the many underlying belief systems that you may have. Not only those beliefs you hold for yourself but also the beliefs you hold about the world outside of yourself. Truly understand that attaching without a belief system that says that you can achieve what ever you want will only leave you feeling very alone and others feeling used. Also understanding that attaching without a belief system that says that others will support you will often leave you missing out on opportunity. Truly understand what is it that we are attaching to or detaching from can be a liberating and motivating experience and it can be a new source for meaning, purpose and passion.
Reflection
What outcomes are you attached to when working with your clients?
How can we use our clients unhealthy attachments to best support them in moving forward?
