We all know that I talk about drugs.

I defiantly believe that their are many models of recovery for every addict. Abstinence or the AA model does not work for all people. It’s easy for many people to state, especially people like Minister Clement who at the International AIDS Conference in 2008 in Mexico City, brought shame to our county when he declared the insight, a supervised safe injection site an “abomination”.

I was there at the party he held for People living with HIV from Canada who were attending the conference. Many have had the opportunity to visit or even use the services that insight provides. Many of us felt he was an abomination. Shortly after that comment Minister Clement was moved to another Ministry. Thank god Harper does know something about “Harm Reduction”. Makes me sad that he only cares about removing the harm to himself and apparently seems not to bother with preventing the harm of the people.

Queers all over the world use drugs! You will get HIV Hep B and Malaria from sharing an infected needle. We have loads of proof that this is fact. The current policies of the war on drugs are not working. Fact is that our Government has no evidence that the war on drugs policy is the best way to keep people from harm. Although since 2008 Coca production has gone up by 20% and the processing of opium poppies has increased by double. preventing people from accessing drugs in the first place has not worked since Nancy Reagan first jumped on that wagon.

This year in Vienna at AIDS 2010 the International AIDS Society, the International Centre for Science in Drug Policy (ICSDP), and the BC Centre for Excellence in HIV/AIDS. Issued the Vienna Declaration. it states:

HIV epidemics fuelled by the criminalisation of people who use illicit drugs and by prohibitions on the provision of sterile needles and opioid substitution treatment.9, 10
HIV outbreaks among incarcerated and institutionalised drug users as a result of punitive laws and policies and a lack of HIV prevention services in these settings.11-13
The undermining of public health systems when law enforcement drives drug users away from prevention and care services and into environments where the risk of infectious disease transmission (e.g., HIV, hepatitis C & B, and tuberculosis) and other harms is increased.14-16
A crisis in criminal justice systems as a result of record incarceration rates in a number of nations.17, 18 This has negatively affected the social functioning of entire communities. While racial disparities in incarceration rates for drug offences are evident in countries all over the world, the impact has been particularly severe in the US, where approximately one in nine African-American males in the age group 20 to 34 is incarcerated on any given day, primarily as a result of drug law enforcement.19
Stigma towards people who use illicit drugs, which reinforces the political popularity of criminalising drug users and undermines HIV prevention and other health promotion efforts.20, 21
Severe human rights violations, including torture, forced labour, inhuman and degrading treatment, and execution of drug offenders in a number of countries.22, 23
A massive illicit market worth an estimated annual value of US$320 billion.4 These profits remain entirely outside the control of government. They fuel crime, violence and corruption in countless urban communities and have destabilised entire countries, such as Colombia, Mexico and Afghanistan.4
Billions of tax dollars wasted on a “War on Drugs” approach to drug control that does not achieve its stated objectives and, instead, directly or indirectly contributes to the above harms.24
To read further on this declairation please visit the Vienna Declaration site and sign the petition for evidence based drug policy.

My Cindy Adventure.

First of all the weekend was amazing!!! Simply way too much to do and I am grateful that I know when enough is enough and when to say no. It’s all skills I learned in my recovery. So as I left off in my last post I has a wicked time at the Toronto Roller Derby’s Clam Slam on Friday.

Saturday night was the lovely Miss Cindy Lauper and wow I has a press pass so this was a sure thing right? John and I after a very stressful day with getting Maggi home for the weekend. She finally was delivered at 6pm and we headed down to Queens Park to meet our friend Drasko (who was already at the park) We travelled down Carlton and headed up University and walked behind the Parliament buildings and we were met with a massive line. It seem that the security was tight. We called our friend and he informed us that their was a VIP / Media line up on the East side.

Upon arriving at the gate I presented my pass to the yummy security guard and was met with “OH more media” and was informed that John my partner would still not be allowed to come in. So we stepped back and called Drasko who by this time was already in the media area. He was telling us that they were escorting Media out of the pit and in with the general public they were told not to use flash (I mean what photographer is not going to use flash in a dark park) John and I decided to go to church street and check out sober pride I mean by this time it’s only 8:30

As we were leaving we thought we would take stock of the whole situation. So picture a fenced in area of 5000 secure people with only a few entrances / exits completely surrounded by thousands of unsecured people for my safety I think we made the right choice. It’s too bad it would have been my first Concert ever. John and I walked East on Wellesley St to Church St. I was amazed at exactly how many people were still coming to see Cindy!!! By this time it was past 9:15 and the line to get in was easily went all the way around the park. Droves and droves of people.

Church St was defiantly not as busy as last year at this time I remember it taking me 2 hours to get from Wellesley St. to Carlton St. So in effect it was a good move to have attractions that brought people out of Church St. to relieve congestion.

Sober Pride

When I took on the assignment of Sober Pride I naturally thought it would be a good match. I do advocate for and work with people who are transitioning from a lifestyle of chaos to order. In many ways the work I do is, Harm Reduction Coaching. It applies to everyone I help people reduce the harm in their lives that are preventing them from living their lives to the fullest. The issue could be alcohol and drugs as much as money and relationships often it is everything at the same time.

My personal journey from Chaos to Order took the Harm Reduction path. It now has simply become my journey, and I live with out shame of my past and own it because I create it. I choose to see how I perceive my own past. I chose this path simply because I was not comfortable with the Abstinence Model for me it was too rigid, and I am not fond of support groups. I had one good friend who said it to me this way, :”I simply could not imagine sitting an a group of other junkies” I get it. I can honestly say I only truly know 2 people who have used abstinence and are Queer. Please don’t get me wrong it has it’s place and is very needed by some addicts.
John and I attended Sober Pride 3 times over Pride Weekend. Each time it was the same. Quiet! Quiet! and oh More Quiet. John and I did not get it at all!!! I had to really reflect upon this post and consider the value of this space from the perspective of all people who are in need of support with their sobriety. This space provides a safe place for addicts to just take a breath in the mist of all the chaos and come back to themselves with the support of others who are doing the same.

Pride is pretty crazy and for me, I know that when the crowds are too much all I really want is quiet, so I simply go home. It may explain my lack of desire to fight all the people at the Cindy Lauper concert. I have my partner, so for me this means that I am able to discuss any feeling that may come up. I get that not everyone has those structure in their lives. This space is Perfect! “The Eye of The Storm” I am proud The Pride Toronto provides this space.

The Parade / March / Party / Protest thingy… a conclusion to Pride.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Shaun Proulx Media and Pride Toronto I had the best seats in the house!!!! Check out all my Pics below.

Conclusion

This pic was taken by my friend Drasko it summed up this pride for me. In short it me in the middle of all the shit.

Political and powerful this Pride, I met so many great people. I had my eyes opened about the history of our pride and have a clearer understanding of where we as a community are heading. This pride I had my personal “story” changed and for it I have become more aware of the possibilities. I love that we as a community can have contrasting opinions and through inclusion and tolerance we remain strong. I have heard it from many of my friends this was the best pride ever!

Have you ever had one of those days when you just need something to lighten the mood a little? I have the perfect thing for you! Clam Slam! A little known Pride Affiliated event that’s chalk full’o craziness. First of all I do have to apologize to my Trans readers I so really wanted to cover the March that took place yesterday It was one of those event that I personally have never been too and I am aware of the struggles that this community is experiencing. I will cover some of my thought on this, in a whole post dedicated to the Trans Community as soon as Pride is over.

Early in the morning I went into Maggi’s room and discovered a whole bottle of Lorazapams that she felt she did not need to tell me about. I was feeling rather played by the time we had our guest come over to head out to the Toronto Roller Derby. I was in desperate need of something fun and very silly.

The Hanger, is located at Downsview park it’s quite the complex and I need to investigate the goings on there. I was surprised at the amount of space this complex took up. When we approached the building their was of course, music pouring out of what is a massive empty space with a simple rope line on the ground marking out the rink. Nothing like the old ’70s velodrome rinks. The players were skating around warning up and their was an overwhelming sense of camaraderie between the player a stark contrast to when the game was actually being played.

The crowd was so into the event cheering on team members with names like, Mexican Jumping Mean and Sista Fista. Over all the evening was highly entertaining and very fast paced. Those girls know how to have a good time. Hopefully next year they will have a Trans Team ’cause that would just make the whole event that much more fun. I will go back next year. Also The Toronto Roller Derby holds event through out the year so check out their full schedule on line.

In the end the Vagine Regime won 105 – 60 for the Clam Diggers.

Next on the Pride Train for me is Cindy Lauper have a great pride everybody!

Yesterday, I went to the Flag raising I actually have never been so, I thought since I had been trapped inside all weekend that I would get out.
The setting was the top of City Hall a smallish crowd along with various members of counsel were in attendance and several community leaders.
A short program led by the mayor and introduced by Counsellor Ray followed by a BBQ. See the pics below.

Finally I wanted to mention that I have a little amendment to my schedule this week and I have added The Clam Slam on Friday check out this Pride Craziness I can’t wait!!!!

I made it through the weekend and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed the peaceful protest that John and I held in our home.
I am exhausted and pride is just starting. Friday night I attended the pride Media Launch party and I have to admit that that event was not sober friendly but I enjoyed it none the less. I did pop out a little early with my friend Drasko and went home to make steaks on the barbie.

So let me give a brief rundown of the sober events happening over the next week at Pride.

Today, I will be attending the Flag raising at City Hall if you don’t make it don’t worry over the next week I will be live blogging while attending events so keep coming back to see what I am up too. You can also follow me at www.thetinythings.com my micro blog to see more events that are not Pride official but rather Pride related.

This evening there will be a screening of the Film Beyond Gay- the Politics of Pride at the Isabel Bader Theatre and the National Portrait collection will be viewing at the festival site from 7:30 – 10PM every night this week. This is a remount of the Portrait collection of the Canadian Lesbian and Gay Archives.

On Friday we have the Trans march which will be great sober fun for the community starting at 7:00 PM Also later that evening at the Panasonic Theatre the Gay for Comedy Gala will take place.

On Saturday at 10 am the pride remembrance run and Proud Voices starting at 2 pm at James Canning Gardens of course the free zone starts at 10 am providing a totally alcohol and drug free zone lasting through to Sunday. Also the Dyke march starts at 2:00 PM at Church and Hayden.

Cindy Lauper headlines on Saturday night at Queens park I will be there backstage getting photos so check out my blog later this week.

Sunday is a busy day besides the big parade which starts at 2:00 pm along Young St. you can also check out the Market place and community fair in the Church and Wellesley Village. At 5 pm at Queens park the closing program called Never Say Goodbye is being held . Again all day the Free Zone providing Alcohol and drug free events all day.

I hope everybody takes the time to think about your health and and safety this week and most of all reduce the harm you do!

As things heat up for the grand drug and alcohol party that I will not speak it’s name. As the wall of what was comes tumbling down and we explore what we can create from the remainder of the rubble. I wanted to speak today about the importance of speaking your truth, but in order to do that I need to know if your open for business?

Being open for business is not simply stating that this is the way things are and that is that! Being open for business is creating an awareness of when your thoughts and feeling are incongruent and having an awareness of your personal feelings and being able to freely express them with out fear.

Questioning your motives and the cost of your truth. Why are you editing your thoughts and question what your afraid of? What are you avoiding having to deal with by, not stating your feelings. More importantly what’s the pay off for editing? Removing the word “should” or “should not’s” from our vocabulary, should s works against self-acceptance and offer guilt instead. Replace those should s with “choose” or “will”. Be clear, direct and own your message by using I statements such as “I don’t agree with you”. Most of all do this with respect you simply don’t have to trample others feelings in order to express your own. People will be more open to receiving the message when spoken with the heart.

Addiction is frequently a symptom of not being able to speak your truth. Unresolved emotional trauma be they extreme or mild are not resolved they leave behind a slew of painful, unprocessed feelings in the unconscious. These feelings are never content to remain silent and instead clamour for release. When they express them selves openly and without disguise this activates the healing process, however, is so painful and potentially discombobulating that few people lack proper external support and self-understanding to dare undertake it.

So as we draw closer to the grand drug and alcohol party of which I can not speak it name I question what feeling are being unexpressed and I question who is really Open For Business? For that’s where you will find me this year standing and celebrating with those who are willing to use their voice, process their discombobulated feelings and are Open for Business.

Aghhhh! I have a huge weight on my shoulders and I’m not really sure who I should tell in order to get it off. You see about 8 weeks ago I received some rather shocking photos of my partners mother who has been an alcoholic for over 20 years. These photos were not very flattering. Err too bloody for such a sensitive viewership. Fact is she fell down the stairs 3 times breaking every bone you can imagine. She does not remember much of that event.

A few days later we received a telephone call stating that my partners Mother has admitted herself into detox. Knowing the full extent of what has been happening over the past 5 years and not being a stranger to addiction, I offered to have her in our home to aid her in her recovery 3 days in, she was at my door.

When my Mother-in-law arrived she could not walk, smoke a cigarette, take a bath, or feed herself. She had been drinking a 26 oz bottle of Vodka per day not to mention the 6 – 10 Lorazipam, the 4 Diazapam, 2 Oxazipam, the Tylonol 3′s, the 10 Gravols that were “helping” her with stomach pains. (Gravol around the 10 pill mark per day will cause hallucinations) and all of her other symptomatic solutions that came in the form of bottles from the pharmacy, some of them legitimate some of them not so legitimate. Needless to say she does not recall the first 3 weeks of her stay.

All I can say is that I am so proud of how far she has come, everything is gone but 2 lorazipams spaced through the day and 2 oxzaipams to help her sleep. Next week we change the sleeping meds to something to still help her sleep but not be addictive. Only one more month and she’ll be off the ‘pams all togeather. She has taken the initiative to admit herself into a program and she is driving the whole process. I am simply helping /coaching her to become aware of the harm that she is doing to herself.

You may be asking, why am I telling you all of this? Well, I have not attended pride for many, many years. For me it it a symbol of everything I gave up the moment I stopped doing crystal. It’s the Christmas day of the gay community and every present is wrapped in drugs, alcohol and sex. I fondly remember wanting to go to every single event because I did not want to miss a moment. I fondly remember eagerly going to pickup my pass that would serve as my passport to the party.

I love writing for Gayguidetoronto.com Shaun Proulx, has been more than generous to me since I started writing. But never did I expect that I would receive the privilege of having access to all events at pride as media, for this generosity I am grateful. I accepted the gift with the thought that I would cover sober pride. It seems appropriate considering that I do speak about the subject often and that subject would limit me from having to attending the more hard core events.

Over the past few days my mother in law has been doing extremely well, well enough to go home for a few days and it has provided me much needed space to get back into my life. Which means that I got to be back on Facebook. When I first logged in, I was met with all this Pride Toronto stuff and the hard decision they have had to make. it bummed me out. I am not here to pass judgment on either side how ever I will say one thing this whole dilemma has made me question how much I really want to go to pride?

I am all about free speech and I am all about helping the underdog. Sorry I think it’s hard wired. The thought that any group within our community, weather I agree with their perspective or not to be asked not to attend just amazes me. I feel un-invited and I feel that any personal pride I did have, has been ripped out of me. We as a community did not start pride because we were told “we could” by our community or our government.

So in all of this I have a huge project, one that I am getting many wins and I have much pride! I am grateful for the opportunity however, strangely now going to pride seems like I’m only contributing to my clients addictions. After all, with all the fighting within the community what can I be proud of? We all seem so segmented to the point of no longer being unified.

So I have this pass. I have this great thing that’s happening in my family. I don’t feel very proud, I don’t party, and now I’m asking my community and you, why should I go?

I challenge you!!!!

In life suffering often comes down to attachment vs detachment. We can attach / detach to a variety of people, things, concepts, dreams and thoughts. Attachments are about bonds that we form to those things in relationship to ourselves. It is what gives us a working model of how our world works.

Attachment:
Attachment is formed out of our primary relationships in our early years and It is founded from our bonds with our parents and / or primary care givers. Their are 4 basic styles that humans use to attach  later on in life. They are:

Secure Attachment (passionate)
Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements:”It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me. These people think: I achieve my goals with relative ease and I am ok with any outcome I adapt as I go along”

Insecure Attachments (obsessive)

Anxious preoccupied attachment:
People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them”. These people think: I can’t do it but I can get others to do it for me.

Dismissive- Avoidance attachment:
People with a dismissive style of avoidance attachment tent to agree with these statements: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. it is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me” These people think: I am independent I can do it best on my own.

Fearful- avoidance attachment:
People with the fearful style of avoidance attachment tend to agree with the following statements: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I become too close to others.” These people think: I want to achieve this but I just don’t know if I can and I am not sure who can or would help me.

Over the course of many interactions we form expectations about the accessibility and the helpfulness of the things of which we become attached. These expectations reflect our thoughts about ourselves and and about our world. It is our thoughts about ourselves together with the thoughts about our world that form our working model for attachment. Bartholomew and Horowitz examined the relationship between attachment style, self esteem, and sociability. The diagram below shows the relationship they observed. In this diagram we can clearly see the relationship between our thoughts of ourselves, “I believe that I am worthy or not” vs our thoughts about the world outside of us ” I believe that the world outside of me thinks I am worthy or not worthy”


Detachment
Detachment is the release from desire and consequently from suffering is an important principle, or even ideal, in the Baha i Faith, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Jainism, Kabbalah, and Taoism. it is the the state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.

Self Application
Don Miguel Riuz author of the four agreements speaks about desire and how it has two components. When desire expressed in a heathy fashion, it becomes passion and when it’s expressed in a harmful manner it becomes obsession. We attach to our desired outcome.. Detachment is the ability to to overcome an attachment to a desired outcome (obsession) which leads to true passion.

Reflection
What are you attached too?
What areas are you willing to detach from?
Knowing that detachment is about not having a desired outcome or being obsessed what are you truly passionate about?
Knowing what you are truly attaching to is a powerful way to explore the many underlying belief systems that you may have. Not only those beliefs you hold for yourself but also the beliefs you hold about the world outside of yourself. Truly understand that attaching without a belief system that says that you can achieve what ever you want will only leave you feeling very alone and other feeling used. Also understanding that attaching without a belief system that says that others will support you will often leave you missing out on opportunity. Truly understand what is it that we are attaching to or detaching from can be a liberating and motivating experience and it can be a new source for meaning, purpose and passion.

Reflection
What outcomes are you attached to when working with your clients?
How can we use our clients unhealthy attachments to best support them in moving forward?