Jul
01
Well Canada turns 143 today and she still looks better than Joan Rivers. Hope you’re all out celebrating this evening and getting your livers ready for this coming weekend. Tonight I will be celebrating Canada Day at Crews & Tangos during my weekly Thursday show h2.0 with co-host Honey Brown. Fun starts at 11:30! Don’t miss it.
I’ve been pretty busy as of late, but I felt the need to stop by and update you on my hatred for the G20 that took place in our city this past weekend. It wasn’t just a mild inconveinence in my day, but my entire weekend! Rather than going on a long rant, I found someone else who will do the talking for me. Enjoy!
Angry G20 protestor at the Eaton Centre
May
16
Well my crazy schedule has finally calmed down! Here I sit with fingers on the keyboard and Stoli on ice eager to update you all on what has been happening since our last chat. Where shall I begin? Maybe I’ll begin with Heroine Marks’ Mild Inconvenience of the Day. I have two today!
1. Gingers who try to look hot.
No matter how hard you try, its just not happening. Please stop! Especially you, Lindsay.
2. Britney Spear’ Telephone Demo.
For those of you who don’t know, Telephone was originally pitched to Britney. Her label turned it down. Well, her demo version of the song has been leaked. If you haven’t heard, have a listen. Yikes! Click here.
Moving on…
-I recently was involved in a cooking show set to air later this year on a sister network of W. I won’t give too much away, but I can assure you eating in drag is not attractive! I had a lot of fun on the set, but probably gained 10 lbs. Why must craft services be so tempting?
-Last week, my best gal pal Zanna scored two free tickets to a food and wine tasting at the reference library on Yonge. I can cross off ‘Being drunk in a library’ on my list of things to do before I die. We sampled different appetizers from local restaurants and voted on which restaurant should win. We really just went for the free wine, and boy did we ever put a dent in those bottles! We made our rounds and found one bartender who was very generous with his pour. All the appetizers were seafood related. Well, minus the goose liver. Yes thats right. I ate goose liver. Anyways, Zanna doesn’t like seafood. So after about 5 glasses of wine, we decided to leave and get Subway. We then returned for another 5 glasses of wine. Don’t judge! They were small glasses. Afterwards, we hit up a local bar with Zanna’s friend who gave us the tickets and his brother, a former contestant on last year’s So You Think You Can Dance Canada. Surprisingly, he was straight. I don’t remember much from that night expect singing ‘Don’t Stop Believin” in an Asian karaoke bar. I was reminded that night why I lipsync.
-I’m having a lot of fun with my latest show, h2.0, at Crews and Tangos every Thursday at 11pm with co-host Honey Brown. We love taking requests from the audience, so come finger our boxes and help decide the show. Don’t forget to check out my other two shows at Zelda’s Living Well. On Fridays starting at 9pm, Miss Conception and I hit the stage. This past week, two of my friends thought it would be a hoot to keep buying me tequilla. I don’t think I’ve ever been that drunk on stage before. I’ll get them back! Highlight of the night was performing ‘Love Game’ and throwing a dildo in the air and having it suddenly stick to the ceiling. Kodka moment! On Saturdays, come check out my baby, ‘Spray Cheese Saturdays’. Different guest every week. Character and celebrity impersonations. It is always a lot of fun and a show not to be missed! This week my guest is Daytona Bitch. Love her! Two scorpios=mayhem and laughs! The crazyness starts at 9pm! Last night the Scientologists next door were having some sort of block party celebration during the show. I’m going to assume they recaptured Katie Holmes.
-Tomorrow, myself and the Zelda’s crew(lead by Miss Angelfire herself), will be attending the launch party for Priscilla Queen of The Dessert. I <3 scaring straight people. I wonder if they’ll have free wine too. Could I be any more Italian?
-I’m going to be taking a four day vacation from Toronto in June. I’ll be visiting one of my best friends in Sault Ste Marie. I’m really excited! It will be nice to get away from Toronto and not be woken up by hooker fights at 4am.
*FYI*
This is a new segment in my blog where I share with you queens to look out for, songs to download, and youtube videos that will leave you in stitches.
Queen on the Scene: If you haven’t heard of Amber Ellert, Facebook her. She is a new queen on the scene and someone to watch. She recently placed 2nd in Candice’s Star Search at Crews and Tangos. She will be entering again soon, and she is in it to win it. Check her out!
Pump or Dump: Kelis is back with a new album. You’ve probably heard Accapella by now, but there is another gem off her album that I have on repeat at the moment. Its called Brave. Check it out! Thanks Will for the suggestion! Katy Perry also has a new song out . If you’ve ever been to one of my shows, you probably know how much I love La Perry. Its called ‘California Gurls’. Check it out! Its already been added to my box!
YouTube Video of the Week: It’s time for cat massage! I love this video soooooooooo much. Something tells me she isn’t married.
Until next time…
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
Apr
08
Am I the only person who is sick to death of Justin Bieber? I just find him annoying. He can’t sing now, and when his balls finally drop, he won’t be able to sing then either. I know I shouldn’t bash Canadian artists, but I’m tired of this kid being shoved down our throats by his record label. CP24 the other day had a news flash headline about him coming to Toronto. Is that news these days? I log onto YouTube and all of the top videos are of Justin Bieber. Clearly the space was purchased by his management.
This leads to Heroine Marks’ Mild Inconvenience of the Day: Justin Bieber
You offer no contribution to the music industry, and the fact that Ludacris is featured in one of your songs makes me judge him for being a sellout. What’s sick is that I have friends who think he is hot. EEEWWWWWWW! Jailbait! Justin, I don’t know who is incharge of your image, but you look like any lesbian standing outside of Slack’s on a Friday or Saturday night. You’re not tough nor have street cred. Oh, and please pull up your pants! Think of them as diapers, which I’m sure you just stopped using 4 years ago.
What I love is the fact that there is now a blog dedicated to comparing pictures of Bieber to pictures of lesbians. Too much fun. If you haven’t seen it, check it out by clicking here .
That’s all for one day. I’m all Biebered out.
Until next time…
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
xoxo
Apr
07
Today after work, I headed on over to Dollarama. Tonight I’m going to start constructing a prop for my Spray Cheese show on Saturday, so I figured I might as well pick up some supplies while I’m in the area.
While walking down an isle looking for brown paint, I witnessed a rather intense scene that had me in stitches. An elderly woman with a heavy Russian accent walked up to a Dollarama employee who looked suspiciously similar to Consezula, the mexican maid on Family Guy. (Ps. I’m impersonating Consezula Saturday during my show!) “Where can I find blue? I’m looking for pencil blue. I’m making a picture,” the elderly woman said in broken English. “Aisle 8,” said Consezula, as she continues staking scissors without making any eye contact with the customer. “You’ve told me Aisle 8 already! And Aisle 3!” said the frustrated customer. “Go ask the girl in Aisle 8,” said Consezula, who is now pointing and still refusing to make eye contact with the customer. I find my paint and start heading in the opposite direction.
I’m in Aisle 6, searching for foam board. The argument has somehow followed me. Now the woman is asking a male employee(who looks like a greasy porn star from the 90′s we’ll call Rico) which isle she can find her beloved blue pencils. Before I get to his response, let me just say this: I’m not a fan of Rico. Everytime I go into that Dollarama I somehow find myself at his cash register. He is always rude to me and I’m not exactly sure why. I will say ‘Hi” and he doesn’t answer. I just assumed he was a deaf mute or had a speech inpediment. So, I stopped caring. Well the other day, I was in line and he was the only register available. The guy before me walks up and Rico suddenly has a voice. “Hey dude, how’s it going?” he says. The customer and Rico joke around and partake in small talk. Clearly they have never met before but Rico decided to be friendly and wishes the man a good night. I walk up after the customer leaves, and I think ‘Ok, maybe he’ll finally have a personality.” I smile and say “Hi, how are you?” What do I get as a response? “You want a bag?” Somehow a little disappointed, I tell him ‘Yes’. Rico then hands me a bag and says ‘You can put your stuff in this one.” WTF! Aren’t you getting paid to bag my shit? Whatever!
Anyways, back to the story…
He shrugged and made little eye contact with the poor woman. “Ask her,” he said, pointing to Consezula who is now stacking ‘Welcome’ decorations at the end of the aisle. The irony is delicious! Consezula pays no attention to the customer and asks the male employee if he can stack the decorations because she isn’t tall enough. By now, the woman is beyond pissed. “Why is it when I come here you people don’t know where anything is?” she said. Amen sista!
This leads to Heroine Marks’ Mild Inconvenience of the Day: Dollarama employees
I know stacking toilet paper and dollarstore pregnancy tests are not the ideal job for most people, but if you’re going to work at Dollarama at least know where shit is! Dollarama employees are about as useful as using prayer for birth control. The best part of this story is that the woman complained to the manager while I was cashing out. “I was going to help her,” says Rico. “I don’t know why she is getting all mad.” Consezula, on the other hand, came up with another excuse. “I couldn’t understand her.”
Oh my.
Until next time…
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
xoxo
Hello everyone!
Hope you had a fabulous Easter, celebrating the life of a man who was well hung and a nail biter.
It has been awhile since my last update.
Unfortunately, I have been having some issues with my computer. It has been overheating and shutting down unexpectedly. This has been happening while I’ve been working on mixes for my drag shows. Annoying! My computer has become a mild inconvenience in my day. Nevertheless, it has inspired me to start a series through this blog called ‘Heroine Marks’ Mild Inconvenience of the Day’. Everytime I add a new post to GGT, I will include an inconvenience of the day. Lets get the ball rolling!
Heroine Marks’ Mild Inconvenience of the Day – People who end a long and dull story with ‘You had to be there!’
Over the past few weeks, I have fallen victim to that little phrase more often than I’d like. From now on, I think people should start stories with ‘You had to be there’ as a warning and heads up. Will save me from pretending to be interested. Just a thought.
Updates from my end:
-I’m having a lot of fun with my latest show, Spray Cheese Saturdays, at Zelda’s Living Well. It is a 2 hour show where I get to perform my character and celebrity parodies and impersonations, and I’m having a lot of fun making props and mixes for it! If you haven’t checked it out yet, what are you waiting for? This week, my guest is the fabulous Daytona Bitch. Show starts at 9pm! Don’t miss the fun!
-I’m currently working on my makeup portfolio. I’m looking to find males and females who are interested in sitting down and having their makeup applied by moi. If you are interested, contact me at heroinemarks@hotmail.com and we can work something out!
-I put the final nail in my dating coffin on Friday. I joined PlentyofFish.com. How sad. My roommate suggested I join, since my love life hasn’t been crazy enough the past 6 months. 
I decided to make my profile as ridiculous as possible. Under interests, I wrote scaring small school children, eating in front of the homeless, and recycling. Oddly enough, I have been receiving quite a few messages from guys. They must really be desperate. These fish have been thrown back for a reason!
-Crews and Tangos will be re-opening their doors soon under new management. Please don’t ask me for a specific date, as I still don’t know. However, one thing I can announce, is that Honey Brown and myself will be co-hosting Thursday nights at Crews once the bar re-opens. I am very excited to be apart of the new bar and look forward to seeing a new establishment open on Church Street. Honey and I still haven’t decided on a name for the show. We both thought of H2. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them!
Until next time…
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
xoxo
Feb
18
So, I’ve had an interesting few weeks since my last post.
I had a boyfriend for just over two weeks. I broke it off Monday night. Didn’t want to do it on Valentines. I’m not that big a bitch. Well I am, but he was different.
What saddens me about the whole situation is that I could see myself with the guy down the road. The timing was just all wrong. We both made mistakes early on. My mistake was dating a flight attendant. At first, it seemed fun. We wanted the same things, had a great connection. We talked about going on vacations and travelling. I was content. I soon realized it was not the best occupation to have when you decide to start a relationship. I would go 4-5 days without seeing him. As a Scorpio, that doesnt sit well with me. I need to have a lover who is close by. Lets face it: scorpios are horny 24/7! He has done drag a few times, so he didn’t have a problem with dating a drag queen. However, there were a few lessons he had to learn. The same ones I’ve had to teach a few others before him. Thinking about it, I’ve decided to share these with you in case you one day find yourself madly in love with a queen on the scene. Here’s a few helpful tips! Kisses!
Tip 1: Don’t think you’re dating a woman. You’re dating a boy. We don’t live as women. The ones that do are called transexuals. They don’t perform on stages, just Homewood and Maitland. You’ll be dating a guy, and a lot of times we’re more masculine than you! I know more drag queens who are tops than bottoms. Just sayin’!
Tip 2: If you’re going to try on wigs, ask first. Nothing I hate more than walking in on someone wearing one of my best and looking like a mess with no dress. The Sherbourne Health Centre is down the street, honey.
Tip 3: Don’t be clingy. If you go out on the town with a queen and they’re popular or well-known, anticipate that people are going to come up to them and talk to them. Don’t get jealous and protective. Its cute in small doses, but ODing is not the way to go.
Tip 4: If you say ‘I’m coming to your show’, SHOW UP! Don’t text them at midnight telling them you’re in Montreal! That example might be a little personal. Oh well. Anyways, if you say you’re going to come to a show, be there. Sometimes queens have a rough night. After all, we’re underpaid and underappreciated in Toronto. Its always nice to have that smiling, familar face in the crowd to keep our spirits high.
Tip 5: Don’t call us by our drag names when we’re boys. Nothing I hate more than a guy introducing me to his friends as Heroine Marks. When you do that, you just come off as a star fucker.
Tip 6: Don’t expect us to always pay your tab at the end of the night with our show fee. I don’t have ATM written on my forehead, do I? Oh I do. How did that get there? I, personally, don’t mind once in a blue moon, especially if I’ve made tips that night. But if it becomes a weekly routine, I’ll escort you to the door. See ya!
Tip 7: Once in awhile, it wouldn’t kill you to carry our suitcases. Its very sweet and any queen walking to a gig in heels will thank you. After all, you’re not being paid to just stand there and look pretty. I am, so get a wheelin’, Mary!
Tip 8: Tip us! It gets the ball rolling. Wink wink.
That is all for now! Hopefully I didn’t scare anyone off from dating queens. We’re really nice people under all the layers. Well most of us.
Until next time…
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
Ps. Come see me perform at Fierce Fridays every Friday night at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street). Show starts at 9pm with myself and the fabulous Miss Conception! See you there, sweeties!
Jersey Shore has become a cultural phenomenon. If you haven’t seen the MTV reality show, I must ask this question: what’s wrong with you? If you love trash television as much as I do, you will fall in love with this show in the first minute! Here’s a quick synopsis. MTV put four guidos(young Italian men) and four guidettes(young Italian girls) in a house on Jersey Shore this past summer. In order to live, party, and find fuck buddies in Jersey Shore, the tanorexic kids must work at their landlords store. Heres the real synopsis: drunk 20 somethings with poor grammar looking to fuck.
One of the biggest criticisms the show has received is that it stereotypes Italians in a negative light. As an Italian myself, I could be offended by the stereotypes (tanned skin, hair gel, and fist pumping), but they originate from truth. Watching this show reminds me of my four years of high school. I was a guido at one point. Thankfully those days are over. My hair can breathe these days. Now, there is a whole new generation of guidos and guidettes out there and frankly they love the lifestyle! If they love it and see no problem with it, why should anyone else? I, frankly, can’t get enough of the trashy antics and are sadden that the show’s final episode airs Thursday night. Hopefully Snooki gets a spin off. PS. HERE IS A LINK TO A VIDEO YOUTUBE REMOVED THAT I ORIGINALLY HAD IN THIS POST. ENJOY! http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4d2ebc8f52/alyssa-milano-s-evolution-jersey-shore
On the subject of TV, did anyone see the episode of The View last week when the ladies had a sexual health doctor on explaining the G spot? I have never seen Barbara so focused on an interview subject. She was leaning in, listening closely. You just know she was on the verge of screaming ‘WHERE IS IT?!’ Too much!
Be sure to come check out Fierce Fridays this week at 9pm at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) with myself and my drag mother, Miss Conception. We always have a fabulous time, so join in on all the fun!
Over at Zelda’s we also have a new Saturday night show starting Jan 30th called Spray Cheese Saturdays at 9pm. Its a drag show, game show, and talk show all rolled into one! It’s hosted by a new queen named Visa DeCline, a heavily medicated, botox happy socialite who is now broke and stuck hosting drag shows to make money. Every week she’ll invite queens from the street to come in and take on new names, personas, and set lists! This will be drag like you’ve never seen it before! So be sure to reserve your seat now!
Until next time…
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
xoxo
Jan
03
It is the 3rd day of 2010, and I have not had a full day of sobriety. Kind of sad, isn’t it? My liver must hate me, but that’s what happens when New Year’s falls on a day before the weekend.
I’ve made some resolutions for the New Year. My main goal is to lose approximately 30 lbs. Starting tomorrow I’ll be hitting the gym for what I’m calling ‘Honey, they shrunk the drag queen.’ I’ll keep you guys up-to-date with my weight loss and if you want to see this shrinking drag queen, you can come check me out every Friday night with Miss Conception for Fierce Fridays at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street).
My other resolution for the New Year is to focus on me. 2009 was a rough year. I lost a parent, I was used, I had my heartbroken more than once. Although I achieved some professional goals, I found myself becoming very bitter and negative. Mainly, I lost trust in people and began to question who my true friends are. I was so focused on pleasing other people and worrying about what was thought about me, that I lost sight of what I WANT. Well, that’s all going to change. It’s a new year and a fresh start. 2010 is the year of me. Stay tuned.
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
I’m writing this post the only way I know how. Hung over.
Last night I had a fabulous evening performing at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) with the legendary Terri Stevens. We had a table of 15 in the front row who were celebrating their graduation from make-up school. I’ve never felt more judged in my life, and I grew up with an Italian mother. Well, that’s not true. When I purchased the Sarah Palin memoirs, I received some stares from the cashiers. But, that’s a story for another day.
It’s hard to believe that Christmas is less than a week away. I feel as though I’m lacking in Christmas spirit. I think the absense of snow on the ground has a lot to do with this. The way global warming is taking affect, Pride will soon be a winter wonderland. I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping. Hope my sister likes Dollarama nic nacs!
I decorated my tree in the hopes that it would help me get into the season of giving(head). Rather than putting an angel or star of David on the top of my tree, I decided to do things a little differently. I stuck a tiara on top that flashes ‘Bitch’. I had to give it the Heroine Marks treatment afterall.
I bought myself an early Christmas gift this week. Two tickets to go see Joan Rivers live! I’m so excited. I want to see her before she either dies or has her face stretched to the point where her eyes become her ears. By now, I can only assume clothes pins are back there keeping everything together. My seats are in row 12. I could have purchased row 6-8, but I was worried the lights would be harsh and I hate the smell of burning plastic. At least in row 12 there is enough of a distance.
Here’s a funny story courtesy of our friends at Canada Post. I opened my mailbox yesterday morning and found a piece of mail for my former roommate. He was Jewish and very religious. He had plates that were for meat only and others that could only be used for dairy products. I use to tell him ‘Just have a BLT and shut it!’ He moved out shortly after. The envelope that came in the mail was marked ‘United Jewish Association’. Well, didn’t Canada Post stamp ‘Merry Christmas’ right on the front of it? Sinfully delicious!
Tonight I’ll be working upstairs at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) during what Lena Over is calling her final Cheap Show. Be sure to come check out the show and stay for dinner and drinks! Sunday evening I’ll also be working and performing upstairs during the Christmas edition of the Window Show with Bunny LeBlanc and Bitch Diva(Virgina Richmond is sick, unfortunately). It is going to be a fabulous weekend of events at Zelda’s Living Well, so be sure to join in on the fun! See you there, sweeties!
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
xoxo
Dec
14
For those of you who didn’t know, a drag legend returned to Church Street last night in a big way. Scarlett Fever made a return to the Woody’s stage Sunday evening to compete against 13 other queens for the title of Smirnoff Czarina 2010. With no surprise, Scarlett won the title beating queens old and new. I’m very excited that she has returned. I’m hoping to chat with her soon about her victory and comeback. Stay tuned.
Speaking about the return of legends, this Friday at Zelda’s Living Well(692 Yonge Street) I welcome the one and only Terri Stevens as my special guest co-host for Fierce Fridays. We’re planning some Reba and Kelly Clarkson(which is easy for me, since Kelly is fat now). It is sure to be a fun evening, full of laughs. I’m also excited to introduce my lil drag sister to the stage, D’Manda Tension. We have some fabulous duets prepared so be sure to come check out the twisted sisters at 9pm!
Here’s some exciting news! Cassandra Moore will be getting a new weekly show at The Barn in the New Year. Glad to see a new queen getting recognized with her own show. Hope this is a new trend for 2010. There are too many bad queens on Church Street parading around with their tired acts and fried wigs. Is it really hard to learn something that is on the radio now and not from 15 years ago? Hell, is it really hard to know your words or even do more than just stand in the middle of the stage? This, in no way, is my attempt at discrediting the trailblazers and queens before me. Nevertheless, the queens that will always be remembered are the ones who knew when to quit when they were on top. If you’re a queen who is only doing drag for the booze, hang up your heels. If learning a new song, restocking your drag room, or putting together a character look is too much for you, get out of the business. You’re taking up space for the next generation who have something to offer and are being overlooked. Call me a bitch if you want. I call myself one every day!
With love and venom,
Heroine Marks
xoxo
