Feb
25
We’re celebrating 8 big years of GGT this year with a look back at some of the favourite stories we’ve published.
Enrico Mandarino is Participant “A”.
(From the former GGT column, “Our Man In The Field”)
Last month a historical first-ever marijuana study in Canada took place, in which researchers evaluated the best method of ingesting weed. The delivery system chosen will then be used in a pilot study.
I was ‘Participant A’.
Two delivery systems were being tested: the pipe and the joint. I was asked to refrain from smoking weed four days prior to taking part in this study. (This was easily the hardest part of the study for me, but anything in the name of science.) I arrived at St. Michael’s Hospital excited that Canada is finally moving forward on researching marijuana. The researchers involved in this study seemed equally excited.
They met me in the only smoking room in the hospital, used for palliative care patients who smoke cigarettes. A sign on the door read: ‘This room is being used for medical purposes’. I need a sign like that for my apartment.
A nurse, who at first had no idea what the study was about, set me up with an IV catheter with a valve on one end of it; over four hours she would collect blood samples at various intervals after smoking to be tested for levels of THC. I felt like an Italian barrel of wine with a tap.
Then the fun began.
A researcher timed me inhaling weed from a pipe for ten seconds while another timed me holding it in for ten seconds. This was meant to keep going for a minute, but we quickly realized that would actually be very difficult, so the protocol was changed to inhale for five seconds and hold for five.
At the end of the smoking phase, when an exact quantity of marijuana was ingested, the nurse took blood samples at fifteen minute intervals for the first hour, and then once for the next three hours. By this point she had a mask on so she wouldn’t get a buzz from all the smoke in the room. In between each blood draw I was asked to fill out a questionnaire in regards to how hungry I was feeling. I was only famished after three hours.
Many interested people came by to see history in the making. One nurse came in the room saying she’d been told to come in and take a deep breath.
I was back for a second visit after a four-day wash out period (more brutal suffering in the name of science). This time I was testing the classic joint as delivery method.
The joints themselves came from the hospital pharmacy that morning and the weed was 2% from a legal source in the United States. The pharmacist who had the responsibility of rolling the 500 mg joints was quite excited.
One goal of this first phase of the study was to produce a graph showing the increase in THC levels in my blood immediately after smoking the marijuana and to then chart it dissipating over a four hour period.
The results are going to be used in the submission for the pilot study, which, if accepted, will be titled ‘The Efficacy of Smoked Cannabis on Appetite Stimulation in Persons Living with HIV/AIDS’ and will be a randomized, double blinded, placebo controlled crossover pilot study, enrolling 32 patients.
Again I smoked up under the same conditions and blood was drawn at the same time. But as for the hunger levels they were also interested in, I may have disappointed them. Weed normally gives me incredible munchies, but the scientific atmosphere and having people study you smoking maryjane and then draw your blood just didn’t lend itself to craving Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. In fact the blood work made me nauseous.
But I ate like a pig when I finally got back home.
Feb
19
We’re celebrating 8 big years of GGT this year with a look back at some of the favourite stories we’ve published.
Murray Jose explores the power of nasty thoughts.
(From the former GGT column, ‘Poz P.O.V.’)
There I was all organized and excited to start spring cleaning at nine on a recent Saturday morning – but somehow by 9:30 I was on a telephone chat line cruising men.
How did that happen? I had no real control; my libido just kicked in all of a sudden, leaving my Saturday plans derailed.
Although I enjoy working around the house, it can be one of those activities that I find makes me procrastinate. Was I subconsciously becoming horny to put off getting to work? What better motivation to avoid doing something than to be overcome with sexual desire?
It has dawned on me that my lust factor increases at all kinds of unexpected times. I use nasty thoughts to keep me awake while driving long distances. Fresh air and loud music only go so far in keeping my eyes open and on the road, but somehow it seems that reminiscing about particularly nasty exploits wakes me right up. (Unfortunately, the resulting raging libido can make the drive somewhat physically uncomfortable and frustrating if there is no sexual outlet waiting at the end of the drive.)
Oddly enough, another cause for increased lust is actually getting laid. Logically, it seems to me that if I have sex, I should be somewhat satiated and less randy. Upon closer examination however, this has not proven to be the case. In fact the opposite is true. The more sex I get, the more I want and the more randy I become..
Romance is of course something else that often elicits lustful thoughts. Sometimes romance by itself is enough and physical sex is not really necessary. Other times, romance just naturally leads to lustful thoughts, followed by randy actions.
Perhaps the most unexpected cause for lust recently was a completely ridiculous reason. I hooked up with someone sexually, whom I had been interested in romantically for some time, but who was unavailable. Later that night, my mind went to white picket fences and winter nights in front of the fire. Over night though, my mind did a flip flop and realized that on the other side of that imaginary white picket fence might be a monogamous relationship. That idea alone resulted in horniness that raged for several days.
Of course there are several obvious causes of my current horniness: springtime, certain foods and various party drugs. But overall I am surprised by the variety and complexity of causes and situations which lead there. However since it is spring and I do seem to be very horny, perhaps it’s time for me to stop thinking and start doin
We’re celebrating 8 big years of GGT this year with a look back at some of the favourite stories we’ve published.
Shaun Proulx talks to Rev. Troy Perry
(From the former GGT column, ‘Step Into My Parlour’)
Billed as Canada’s largest and sexiest weekend, the Mr. Leatherman Toronto Competition is back at the end of this month. Included among the judges is the Reverend Troy Perry.
Nearly four decades ago while Perry was in his twenties his watershed disclosure of his homosexuality destroyed his life and branded him a pariah. In a headline-making scandal the Pentecostal minister from California – first licensed in Florida at the age of fifteen – lost his wife, his ministry, and was abandoned by his two sons amidst persecution leading to a failed suicide attempt.
Yet Perry survived, emerging from his trial by fire and his painful past to re-discover his calling. An ad in a local paper yielded twelve people to his living room for the first service of what would become a highly controversial new Christian church, the success of which has since been covered by every major magazine and newspaper in the world.
Ministering to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people, the fledgling little organization was called the Metropolitan Community Church, and is now commonly referred to as MCC: fourty-two thousand members strong in three hundred congregations in sixteen countries worldwide.
Perry has authored three books, including The Lord Is My Shepherd And He Knows I’m Gay andDon’t Be Afraid Anymore. A leading activist and the recipient of the Humanitarian Award from the American Civil Liberties Union, he has also been invited to the White House on four occasions to discuss GLBT civil rights, AIDS, and hate crimes with Presidents Carter and Clinton. He was also Clinton’s honouree at a Whitehouse breakfast honouring one hundred national spiritual leaders in 1997.
And Perry is also a proud leatherman. As such, he is a member of yet another culture of still frequently misunderstood and sometimes condemned people. Both non-gays and gays alike are among those who clone leatherfolk and view leathersex as sadomasochism, with S/M being considered an intolerant form of behaviour. Disagreeing, however are the many who take the odyssey into the leather world. There, it’s argued, leathersex involves confronting elements of taboo, power, instinct and sexuality, and of stripping away cultural patterns through intimate forms of play using tools that include bondage, role-play, and pain-pleasure. The result is often described as consious-shifting to a new vision of self and a new mind space to explore.
I phoned Troy Perry at his office in Los Angeles where we discussed these ideas. I asked him about his own journey into leather, the conflict of religion versus physical appetites, releasing the burden of guilt, and the intersection of sex and spirituality.
Don’t you find it’s common, the painting of misinformed and clichéd strokes about what leather is really about, even within the gay community?
That’s correct. I tell people that S/M means ‘sensuality and maturity’, that’s what S/M means to me. That kind of thing moves over from the leather community to the gay community to the fetish community. But somehow the leather community is even more sexual, and for someone who is having trouble with their own sexuality and is stuck in that situation, they think ‘well at least my sexuality is not as bad as theirs’. And that’s just crazy.
You’ve commented in the past that many elements of the spiritual leanings of some leathermen have shared common denominators with more conventional religious experiences.
It is amazing to me the spirituality and the care – especially during AIDS – of leathermen, the owners of leather bars and clubs, just amazing. The camaraderie combined with a deep spirituality. I discovered if you scratch, usually leathermen have a deep spirituality, and that includes pagans, Hindus… A few years ago I was the keynote speaker at the National Leather Association meeting here in America – eight hundred people gathered at the convention centre in Portland, Oregon – and because I was there they were going to do a first-ever panel on spirituality and leather. They put us in a little room, and you know what? The crowd was so big they had to move us to an auditorium. And it was incredible. I was the only Christian on this panel, but there was every thing from Christians, to Buddhists, to pagans, to Hindus. And what was incredible to me was how well everyone on that panel articulated their spirituality. And there was no nonsense about ‘my spirituality is better than yours’. Just everybody talking with respect for everyone there. It was just incredible.
Some leatherfolk speak of having spiritual experiences or highs through their sexual explorations. Can this be the result of a deeper exchange of energy between a top and a bottom, of intensifying sex, going beyond boundaries so that indeed sex intersects with spirit?
Yes, I think that. There is a mutually agreed upon exchange of power, in other words the top / the bottom, the slave / the master, the daddy / the boy. And as you said, because sometimes some of the sexuality that is involved in the leather community is so intense, it automatically takes you into your spiritual self. Some of the things I’ve seen and witnessed at leather gatherings are akin to reading about the saints filled with rapture of being so involved with God and God’s love.
Leathersex is also described by some as something that can heal wounds, mend shame, aid physiological growth and provide the basis for expanded spiritual awareness.
For many people it certainly does. I can’t speak in general terms and say that happens for everyone. But I certainly can say that it has done that for so many people. The whole thing of being hurt as a child, sometimes that child needs healing. And for a lot of boys – and I mean that in the leather sense – they come to terms with their daddies. It’s an entire thing that goes beyond being used as a sex toy, there’s a healing that takes place that helps people and that’s just unbelievable. It’s better than therapy.
You’re talking about sexual acts being the way to connect with your spirituality instead of denying your spirit through denying sexual acts.
That’s absolutely correct. As long as we who are part of the leather community are not there because we want to be destructive, or to see ourselves as hurt or harmed in someway or become the person who hurts someone in some way.
Isn’t it just a great human disservice that our culture separates the mind and the body? Because if we didn’t, no one would be burdened with guilt for enjoying their own bodies.
Absolutely I agree with you there. I know as a person who is involved with spirituality and sexuality in my own church that I learned a long time ago that sex is Christianity’s dirty little secret. We want people to be wonderful, we want people to be saints, but we feel so uncomfortable around sexuality. It’s pathetic. People forget: God created sex. God created sex and it’s a good thing. Marriage of our sexuality and our spirituality is something we should expect in life.
Instead many people deny their sexuality to affirm their spirituality – recipe for guilt and shame. How do you get to the point where you can counteract that, and maybe consider that guilt and shame are by-products of a condemning society, rather than of God?
We have to look at ourselves. When I travel around I always tell people ‘if you hear me say just one thing, I want you to hear loud and clear from me this: God didn’t create you so God could have someone to sit around and hate.’ We get this notion that because we’re sexual beings that somehow we’re not good enough, or that we should be guilty about the feelings that we have, that are natural feelings, that are created feelings from God. I tell people over and over again: explore your spirituality and your sexuality, which are not mutually exclusive the way some religious groups try and teach.
ut the root of conflict between religious practices and physical appetites is grounded in many things.
It’s grounded in a lot of things. I always say that Jesus was very positive about a lot of things, that Jesus never once mentions once in the gospel about homosexuality. I actually had a man who came and talked to me a few years ago in 1989. His wife attended an Irish American Catholic church, and once she couldn’t have children anymore she talked to her priest, who suggested they not have sex anymore. The man said to me, ‘We’re having problems in our house. Because our priest said that because my wife can’t have children anymore we shouldn’t have sex. And because my wife is a devout Catholic she is doing as the priest advised, and I’m having a real problem with it.’ All I could really do is talk to them, get them to seek some counselling and perhaps find another priest to talk to. The conflict has always been a real problem, and I always say that one of the reasons that people like to point fingers at the gay and lesbian community is this reputation we have for having more fun sexually -
Well you know that’s true. Come on!
(Laughing) – and the other reason is that we supposedly sleep with thousands of partners. I don’t believe that one either. I saw a statistic years ago that said we were supposed to be sleeping with 1,600 different men a year!
I wish I had that kind of time. Five guys a day.
(Laughing) I’d have to lie out on the Hollywood freeway and have every car that came my way stop! I think in the gay community even with leather, moving back into that, there’s even that extra added on. People sometimes don’t understand the leather community, and in dealing with sexuality and what’s right and wrong, people try to project onto us what they think leather is.
Can you describe your journey into leather?
Well, stupid me I went to the leather bar. I’d never been to one and didn’t know what it was. (Laughing) And I’m wearing my polyester pants, shirt; I arrived at the door and tried to get in. And the doorman said, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ And I said, ‘Well, I’m going in the bar, I guess.’ ‘Not dressed like that,’ he tells me. ‘Pull off that coat and tie.’ I went back to my car, took off my coat and tie and went back. The doorman looked at me and said ‘Now where do you think you’re going?’ And I’m thinking, ‘What is wrong with this man?’ ‘Leather’s preferred here,’ he tells me.
So I said to the doorman, ‘Look, a friend of mine is in here, can I just go in and have him paged and then I’ll leave?’ So he let me in. I asked the bartender to page my friend and waited. And it was very dark; I started looking around and all at once I saw this guy at the end of the bar: chaps, boots, no shirt and a leather vest on. He was looking at me like he was undressing me. But here I am this little twenty-five year old guy! And all at once he said, ‘Here, pussy, pussy…’
He scared the living crap out of me and I thought ‘this is a Hell’s Angel’s bar, I’m fixing to get beat up,’ and I left. But: I could not get over the way he looked at me.
Then, after I founded MCC, I had four leathermen walk into my church. I thought again they were Hell’s Angels – we’d had some problems with bikers – and I told the ushers, ‘If they start anything call the police’. After service it turned out one of them was the president of a leather group. He invited me to meet other presidents of leather groups and asked if I’d ever been to a leather bar. I told him the story I just told you and he just laughed, laughed, laughed. And he took me out to one, but made me wear jeans, a black T-shirt and boots. The people that I met were genuinely interesting people, were professional for the most part. And I got cruised like mad and I just loved it. But I knew from that first visit before, when I saw that guy at the bar who turned me on with that first view – it was an exchange of energy. But it still frightened me and I was new to the gay community and I didn’t know how to act.
And you were so young as well.
And I was young. And so immediately I started going to leather bars from that day forward and it was amazing, and still continues to be, the most amazing experience for me.
Tell me about balancing being a proud leatherman and serving God.
I have a deep love of God. And I have a deep love of that part of me that is part of the leather community, too. And I don’t back off from that. I think balance comes because they are different facets of my life. When I’ve gone to see the U.S. President I wore a suit because that’s appropriate. But I’m not going to wear my three-piece suit or my clergy collar to a leather bar, I’m going to wear my leather there. And have a great time with my leather friends when I am there, too. I tell people I carry all of me before God. My work, leather or whatever, I carry all of that before God. I’m one to remind people that the spirituality you have is to be taken into the bedroom, too. You don’t leave it outside. And it’s really helped shaped me to be the person that I am. And the interests I have in leather have really shaped me.
Before we close, I have to tell you I can’t help but think of your story and be reminded of the Robert Duvall character in The Apostle.
You know something? That’s amazing. The L.A. Times did a story on me and the reporter went with me to see that. And when they showed Robert Duvall as a child, I said, ‘That is so close to home I can’t believe it’. That was just an incredible film for me because I also come from a Pentecostal background, and it’s about doing something you never thought you would do – it was an incredible story and a lot like me.
You’re a gay hero if there ever was one. Thanks for your time.
Thank you, Shaun.
We’re celebrating 8 big years of GGT this year with a look back at some of the favourite stories we’ve published.
STEPPING OUT OF THE CLOSET – AT FIFTY-EIGHT
(From the former GGT column, ‘Turnstyle’ with guest writer ‘Mr. X’ – September, 2002)
EDITOR’S NOTE: MR. X IS A PSEUDONYM TO PROTECT THE IDENTITY OF THIS PROMINENT TORONTO BUSINESSMAN NOT OUT TO HIS WIFE AND
THREE GROWN CHILDREN.
When I was asked to write this it was with a great deal of trepidation that I agreed. After some thought I realized that there are no doubt hundreds like me, struggling as I’ve struggled with the realization after years of being married that I am gay.
When I think about my teens I realize I’ve been gay all my life. When I was fourteen I had a couple of minor experiences with boys my age, but just wrote them off as part of growing up. After all, statistics still abound that say most boys at one time or another experiment with other boys.
But living in a very small town and born in a generation where being gay was something to keep very hidden, I pushed it to the back of my mind, going through high school, having girlfriends and heterosexual sex.
In other words, I lead a very ‘normal’ life.
I know now I was pretty screwed up person, extremely temperamental, with difficulty getting along with my mother and siblings. I felt ostracized at school because I was a very good student but not into sports. (I would just as soon read a book than play football.) I put all this down to the fact that my father died when I was very young and I was without a father figure.
I married, had children and continued on being ‘normal’.
Twelve years into my marriage I had an encounter with the husband of a friend of mine. We were downtown in Toronto one night and got drunk. This was during the times of the infamous Toronto massage parlours, and we decided we would visit one. We were put into separate rooms, told to strip and were given a very small towel. As we knew in advance, the women there were hookers, however neither of us fell prey to their charms. We left. On the way home in his car though, my friend
confessed he was aroused, pulled over to the side of the road, and I had my first sexual experience with a man.
I was stunned, firstly because I never thought my friend would do something like that, and secondly because I enjoyed it so much.
After that though, my ‘normal’ life continued, for the next five years until I went to Vancouver on a business trip and met a former employee for dinner. She was a lesbian, and after dinner she suggested going to a gay bar. I agreed. Her best friend Mike (not his real name) joined us. My friend ended up leaving early; Mike and I
stayed on and watched male strippers while we finished our drinks. It was my first time in a gay bar and I must say I really enjoyed it. Mike offered to drive me back to my hotel; he came up for a drink and we ended up in bed. Mike was the first man I had ever kissed and that was the start of the awakening of very strong feelings within me.
But still I did nothing, until two years went by and I had another encounter with a gay friend. I then began to consider myself bi-sexual, a first attempt at giving a name to the feelings I was having. But along with those feelings came huge inner turmoil and horrible feelings
of guilt regarding my wife, my children, my family and my friends. What was I doing to them?
An opportunity to work and live overseas – alone – arrived. This brought peace to my life and took away the pressure I was feeling being surrounded by people I felt I was not being truthful with. While overseas I became very good friends with another ex-pat who had been openly gay since he was sixteen. He became my confidante and we had long hard talks about my sexuality. It was during this time that I came to the conclusion that I am gay – not bi-sexual.
My friend taught me to be comfortable with myself. Even things most gay men might take for granted nowadays – like
going into gay bars – became easier. (I had always been terrified about even entering one as my suspicions of my sexuality grew, worried I might have friends who would see me there and blind to the fact that if that happened it probably meant such friends were gay also.)
On my trips home from overseas, I discovered Toronto’s Gay Village. I always knew it was there but never visited. What an eye-opener:
the bars, the restaurants, the coffee houses – and just about everyone in them gay or at least gay-friendly. A friend I made even
took me to a bathhouse – another terrifying but exciting experience. I was terrified about HIV and STDs, but it was exciting still for obvious
reasons. All those men there, looking for the same thing.
Back overseas and even when visiting home I started to explore further by using the Internet to start meeting men and making friends. It’s a great place to achieve this, but it’s also a confusing place, too. I find a lot of men are not as serious as you would think they’d be. A lot of guys like to play games, and I think they need to gain a little maturity. I can’t yet figure out why gay men have to play the kinds of games I’ve seen and experienced. For example, if you agree to meet someone, then meet them. If it doesn’t work out there’s really nothing lost, and if it does, there could be lots to gain: love, friendships, etc. After
all, we all need friends. I know I do, especially now.
The learning curve continues for me. The attitude about age in this community is astounding. I’ve been turned down because I’m middle-aged, and I’ve been turned down because I’m old. Perspective is everything. On the other hand, I’m also surprised at the number of younger guys who like men my age. To me age is a number. Nothing else.
I find the gay community to be extremely supportive and accepting of who I am and where I am at, and also have developed a strong level of trust that I will not be outed further to anyone until I decide I’m ready.
I have come out to myself, and to some friends. This is a slow and difficult process. I have yet to come out to my wife, my children, my family and the people I work with. It would be easy to judge me and say I’m being unfair or worse, but this is something I have to do at my own pace. It has been an overwhelming experience
and I need to let things unfold when the time is right for me.
In the meantime, my marriage, which has not been healthy for years, is at times barely tolerable. My wife has found pieces of information here and there that have made her suspicious, but suspicious of me having heterosexual affairs, not of exploring a new found sexuality. As for my children, I raised them not to be bigots, racists, or homophobes. I often wonder what they would think if they found out about my being gay, but am not ready to find out. I’m sure at first they would be shocked, certainly surprised, but I don’t think they would be hurt. They know I love them deeply and I will always be their father. Also, over the years I’ve heard them make very positive comments about gays. I know that if they found out they would still love me. But one step at a time.
For now I am very comfortable with my dual lifestyle. I can balance the two lifestyles, although it is difficult at times. I know I would hurt my wife needlessly if I told her the truth. I am gay but I also know I have to live in a straight world. At this point in my life I feel there is no need to come out any further.
Meanwhile, I’ve reached a level of inner peace that I’ve never had before.
We’re celebrating 8 big years of GGT this year with a look back at some of the favourite stories we’ve published.
DATE-AND-DASH
(From the former GGT column, ‘Dating With Scissors’ by Jesse Trautmann)
My friend Matt met Chris at a bar one night. After some chatting, they discovered that they had quite a bit in common. They both used to work for Chrysler, and both now make a living navigating through the cubicle labyrinths of RBC’s banking offices in west Toronto. Matt got Chris’s number. A date was planned, but by the next week, neither boy had called the other. Instead, ‘we text messaged each other, like 1,800 times,’ Matt said, ‘and finally set a date for Friday.’
Little did Matt know that this incessant texting behaviour was foreshadowing the outcome of a soon-to-be-ill-fated date.
After eating at The Artful Dodger, a bar at Sherbourne and Bloor, they moved their date to an apartment party, but soon after midnight they left when Matt sensed that Chris was bored. Chris suggested another party, saying he’d score a big joint there and it would help him relax. They headed out. During their walk, they reached an intersection where the light had just turned red. Matt stopped; an approaching car was too close to risk a quick crossing. Chris, however, made a run for it – literally – and when he got to the other side, kept running.
‘I thought it was his way of telling me to hurry up,’ Matt told me later, ‘but when Chris got to the next block, he turned the corner and kept going!’ Matt ran after Chris but all he could see was Chris in the distance, still running, getting smaller and smaller. Matt just stood there, dumbfounded.
Minutes later, he got a text message from Chris: ‘I don’t think this is going to work out.’
We’ve all heard of people running a cab or a bill at a restaurant. Hell, even I’ve pulled a dine-and-dash before. But now, are we seriously date-and-dashing?
| ‘ … in a city like Toronto,
with its six degrees of faggotry, you can run from a date, but you can’t hide.’ |
Our culture is obsessed with any communication that doesn’t involve direct contact. Whether it is emails, MSN or text messaging, we love not having to deal with the commitments that come with face-to-face interaction. On MSN, I can leave a boring conversation mid-way and blame it on my wireless connection. Or type ‘brb’ – be right back – but flee, virtually guilt-free. But when you meet an acquaintance on the street who just won’t shut-up, there’s no way to easily get out of it.
The same goes for a bad date. Someone should tell Chris that there are better ways to end them. Fleeing the scene like a wanted criminal in order to selfishly spare yourself the guilt of hurting his feelings is not the way to go. Awkward situations work hand-in-hand with dating. Learning how to comfortably and honestly tell a guy that he’s not working for you is essential. If you don’t have the balls to do that, then at least have the decency to finish the date and then ignore his calls…or texts…or IM’s…or emails…or Facebook messages.
One month after this date-and-dash, Matt got his revenge. He went out and met up with a group of friends and was introduced to Chris. ‘We’ve met before,’ Matt said. ‘This is the Chris who ran away in the middle of our date.’ Chris was mortified. Shortly afterwards, he left.
What Chris will have to learn is that in a city like Toronto, with its six degrees of faggotry, you can run from a date, but you can’t hide.
- Jesse Trautmann
