Feb
18
I’m a dog owner. I’ve had other pets along the way but the bottom line for me is that my home isn’t a home if there’s no pet in it and I’m partial to dogs. I had to leave behind my beloved perrito with my parents when I went off to get post-secondary education. My mother told me he slept at the door of my room for months before finally accepting that I would not be there in the morning. That dog redefines loyalty.
As quickly as I got out of residence, I got the princess that reigns over my home. Later that year, I began hormone replacement therapy. I did not worry about my princess because she was there every day as my body morphed and it turns out she’s quite the fan of beards!
A year later I went to visit my parents. My parents braced me for how much older my perrito had gotten since I left, from virtually all of his fur becoming white to the reality that his legs and hips could no longer manage stairs. I worried he would not recognize me and my heart would be crushed. Pre-emptively to lessen the blow, I reminded myself that my voice had dropped and my testosterone fuelled BO bares no resemblance to the person that carried him home and trained him all those years ago. (more…)
Feb
12
A transguy recently complained that it was absurd how much easier it was for him to get a prescription for a medication he needs at most once every six month than to start testosterone, which would improve his health every day. He is frustrated that he must twirl his thumbs during a waiting list over 2 years long. It does not add up but he does not know the full extent of the ridicule likely ahead of him when he finally does have a prescription.
Here is a small selection of my growing collection of horror stories. In the days prior to learning how to self-inject, one of my shots fell on a week my GP was away. The substitute doctor denied my shot on the account that I was balding too fast. All of the blood work I have had to date puts my testosterone count within the medically preferred range, my red hemoglobin count has always been fine ditto with my blood pressure, cholesterol and liver functions. Based solely on the speed of hair loss, which in my case is due to genetic predisposition, I could not access my previously doctor sanctioned dose from a vial already prescribed. This incident coupled with bad experiences with trans-ignorant nurses motivated me to learn how to self-inject. That way I could avoid future dilemmas. Or so I thought.
(more…)
Jan
24
I have been working towards bottom surgery for years. Having done much research and extensive soul searching, I have decided I want phalloplasty (phallo for short) with urethral extension (aka u hook-up) and scrottoplasty. In other words: I want the ability to pee my name in snow. It’s the little things in life, right?
My top priorities are size and ability to pee out of my dick. A close third is least visible scars as possible. Other priorities that can be more important for other guys include erotic sensation, number of procedures (their toll on body and mind), existing tattoos and scars placements (when deciding donor site, though this is not a concern to all) as well as cost. There are also with all donor sites potential complications (in terms of swelling, grafts not taking, and so on) and it is wise to factor in where one is more wiling or able to handle that. (e.g. I need maximum dexterity in my wrist but I’m not as concerned with my thigh given my lifestyle and hobbies) Also, each procedure (the forming of the phallus, glandplasty, u hook-up, testicular implants and stiffener) comes with potential complications, and not everyone has the same comfort level with those individual risks. In short, not everyone getting bottom surgery gets “the works” even if they can afford it and on some level want it.
(more…)
The prospect of mandatory full body scans at airports has ruffled many feathers. I’ve read about people worried it could provide material for pedophiles. On trans men bottom surgery forums many are worried that these machines will create all sort of havoc whether they are pre or post surgery.
There are those worried that their packers will become suspect and result in strip searches. Others are concerned that the liquid in their erectile devices will get them similar fates if not worse unless they start carrying around the surgical letter explaining which device they have inside their bodies. All around, there is anxiety about these scans disclosing their medical history.
(more…)
Dec
15
The scene has become a classic in my life. A gay guy eyes me from the other end of the room. He gets closer and let his intentions known in no uncertain terms. Unfortunately for him, I don’t have a set time to disclose my medical history. There are many factors at play for me, such as safety, worry about the power of the rumour mill and how the revelation will be received, sometimes along with a dread that I even have to contextualize my body. Least I forget that like many people, I’d like someone to get to know me for who I am before they slip into the easier role to dismiss me because of my body. But if I’ve decided I’d like to go there, I disclose.
“But… I’m gay!”
Indeed, I had caught on. Let’s recap. You’re a guy who cruised another guy and you hit on him. Yes, I’m fairly certain that qualifies you as gay or bi. Do you feel better already? You are definitively into men. I hope you found some reassurance while you ignored your transphobia. Goodness knows I’m the one whose entire manhood has just been invalidated, sex appeal revoked and positioned as a threat by the mere virtue of being able to navigate your space without being readily identifiable as you need me to be (that is, as something other than what I am, a man, since the memo that was evident to you before I disclosed was not only lost but destroy virtually instantly thereafter.)
Bitter? Sadly, no since I take the time to reassure you about your sexuality even as you dismissed mine. Some consider this an educational moment but to me it’s internalized transphobia at its finest.
Not tonight, no, as I am prone to from time to time, I left the guy to fester in his analysis. Yes, you hit on a transguy because you correctly recognized him as a guy. If you no longer feel the latter is true, it is not my job to confirm that fallacy for the sake of your insecurity. My number one turn on is confidence, you have little.
It’s you, not me.
**about the picture for this entry** It’s not just cis-gay men that can have difficulty around their attraction to transguys, this is something they share with many cis-straight women. That picture is from a Seventeen magazine article that is simultaneously terrible journalism and horrendously transphobic.
This is a heartfelt thank you to those that made my transition possible. I don’t keep in touch with as many as I would like but amidst the talk of the village shrinking with the closure of Crews/Tango, Zelda moving and so forth, I want to take the time to pay homage to those that made and make up my village. My village is an amazing support system that picks me up when I fall and reminds me of the importance of giving back to community.
I encourage each of you to comment with stories about those that made/make up your village.
I’ll start at the beginning, those that made it possible for me to find myself and come out. I cannot thank enough those who conduct trans introductory workshops for all the conversations they start and the awareness they raise. It was at one such presentation that I was given the words I had needed to make sense of my life and the tools to do something about my dysphoria.
A great big thank you to the folks who work(ed) and volunteer(ed) at The 519 Church Street Community Centre. There is one man in particular there who is a mentor to many local and not so local trans folks. He gave me the best advice I ever got vis-à-vis testosterone: take it one shot at a time. If you don’t like recent changes, don’t do the next one.
I saw transition as this 100% or nothing situation; it was overwhelming. His wise words not only appeased my fear but also showed me how to be empowered towards my transition. I can never thank him enough for everything he’s already done and all the ways I know he will continue to enrich so many people’s lives.
(more…)
Nov
13
To my parents’ credit I was able to dress and interact with the world through out my childhood similarly as I do now. They taught me growing up that anyone could do whatever they wanted in terms of hobby and job regardless of their sex. Why than, my mother asked, did I transition? I did because of that inconvenient or troubling phenomenon so often denied, overlooked or dismissed: dysphoria. (more…)
Pleased to meet you.
I am excited to be here and try something new. I’ve been blogging a while, but it’s largely been locked content for an audience I control. I’m delighted and grateful to Shaun Proulx for giving me this opportunity to interact with a wider audience in a public space.
I have fretted a while over what to include in this first entry and what should be saved for later. I have opted to separate my introduction into two parts, one on my gender identity and the other on my dysphoria. (more…)
