Acid Reflux by Brian Finch
Brian Finch, a native Winnipeger, began exploring the written word several years ago by the creation of Acid Reflux, a reality show blog revolving around the celebration self-declared D-List Positive AIDS activist.
His satirical - yet at times serious - no-holds-barred blogumentary uncovers life's tales that usually go untold, such as going to not-so celebrity rehab, life post-drugs, porn, travels to uncharted lands, and his glamorous serological underworld.
Nothing is off limits. Finch is bold, crass, and has the cultural intellect of a gutter.
Life is in transition as he travels out of the world of an activist to one of an ordinary guy with a big mouth embarking on new projects.
Toronto has a reputation for its grumpy residents. It seems as the temperature rises during the run up to Pride and the G20, folks have taken moody to an entirely new level.
Let’s take my friend for example. Since he’s not a computer savvy person, nor even uses one, I’m going to try to tell his story, as I know it.
While crossing at Church St. and Wellesley, the gay village main intersection, Rob (I’ll call him) noticed a fellow who had charted a course to walk right into him as the pedestrian’s attention was focused on texting. Rob said, “heads up” as he gets out of his way, and the pedestrian yells, “fuck you.”
During this interaction, Rob had stepped slightly in the path of an oncoming wheelchair, which rode over his foot. While riding over his foot a walking cane in the back of the wheelchair popped up and hit this guy on its way back down.
The young fellow (at least younger than my friend) spins around and starts screaming about how Rob just hit a guy in a wheel chair to which he responded, “But you ran over my foot.”
The one constant is that thing you can count on in life is that it never remains the same. Before I know it, what is, was.
But does it all have to be bad? Often I look at change as guideposts charting the journey of life. There certainly been great journeys, even life changing ones for which I have so much gratitude.
I think of the kids in Africa, or the fellow cleaning my hotel room everyday in Rwanda who I gave twenty dollars to, only to return with a basket he had purchased for me. The friends who have survived genocide and still are able to smile and experience joy.
Beatrice (CTAC) Leah and myself
My dear friend Leah took her mothers death of just about a year ago and turned it into an opportunity to carry on her legacy by becoming the president of her mothers organization L.I.F.E. for Health (an NGO helping children go to school in the Philippines and now Rwanda).
Last night I attended the 20th anniversary, and was inspired by how small projects that do not cost a lot of money have made such dramatic changes in these young lives. Her mother would be proud, and if it weren’t for the sadness of Leah’s loss, this would not be happening – at least not at this point and time.
The problem for me is when change happens and I resist it. Resistance is futile they say, and how true is that. I resisted it, and instead I went on a trip into the Valley of the Dolls for a day, change still marched on forward.
Change for me is also saying “yes” to things. My default position is no, no I don’t feel like attending this, or doing that. If anyone asks me, “What are you doing on Friday night?” I panic as if I’ve been trapped in a trick question where I may be consenting to do something I really really do not want to do. The question is, “Do I really not want to do it?” as when I go forth, I usually enjoy it.
Change is about taking risks. This entire website has been a venture in risk taking and an elevation back into a world where I do have to make difficult choices and own them. There is no more escaping whilst playing it safe by having placed myself as a follower and not a leader.
It’s scary, but what a wonderful ride. Recently one of PositiveLite.com writers received such a wonderful email that tells me that, yes this is worth the risk.
When change comes your way embrace it. It may mean closing some doors to walk into new ones. The only way to feel the light is to walk through.
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For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.
Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes – American Poet, Lecturer and Essayist, 1803-1882
Last Wednesday, Brenda Lennie, Jim Maxwell and I, had another improv workshop at the AIDS Committee of Toronto.
Once again, the workshop was a great success. It is hard to explain the great stuff that comes out of these workshops until you’ve experienced it.
My one friend who is in a similar situation as myself joined us that night. When I say similar I mean that over the years without working, I’ve lost a lot of my confidence. I used to be a corporate trainer, and although I have no problem with public speaking, I no longer felt strong in facilitating workshops or even chairing a board meeting.
When away from having to take on these responsibilities, one does feel rusty and almost afraid again to take these kinds of activities on.
In improv, confidence is one of the main benefits I get every time I go through a workshop. Yes I can take on these leadership kinds of roles. Yes I can think on the spot.
My friend even said, “You can’t know how amazing this is until you’ve actually experience it. I really enjoyed myself, no….I didn’t enjoy myself, it was one of the most amazing nights I’ve had in a long time.”
He carried on to say, “You know I didn’t realize how controlling and how little trust I have.” as he had such a hard time letting go to accept the what others were giving him in the improve exercises.
I noticed this, but hadn’t said anything. It was amazing to see this aspect of him.
And it’s true. With Brenda and Jim, we realized we had chemistry as an improve group. I have complete trust, which can be a vague term.
For me this means, trusting that others are not going to judge me, trust that I can just be me and there is not a wrong way to do this.
Throughout the two hours, I’d constantly be checking myself. “Ok why in this moment and I having a hard time? Why am I judging myself right now”
The moment I feel this, I got back to trusting myself, and I’d let go and continue on.
Everyone who participates discovers new things about themselves, and it is not necessarily a negative thing. The group takes on a consciousness of its own where we all become in tune with each other. We become one team that moves together, trusts together and can be vulnerable together.
Lest I forget the best part of it all, fun. As individuals and a group, we discover that we are funny, that we are competent, that we can take risks, and we can lift ourselves into this collective space where there is no depression, there is no isolation, and so much more.
We were having so much fun that in the neighouring room, the folks next door were getting pissed at how loud we got.
None of us wanted to infringe on anyone’s peace, but it was a stark contrast. On one side there was what I called those stricken with “seriousitis” and us who were freeing ourselves and having fun.
I can’t wait for the next one, but we’ll make sure there isn’t anyone having a meeting next door.
Hey folks, it’s my birthday. My chicken feathers have offically atrophied as I turn 45 today.
As for my last post, shit happens. And in program we have a saying, “You tell on yourself” and that is exactly what I did. In the grand picture it is a blip on the radar.
I left the post as it is, typos and all because this is Acid Reflux, and what you get is my uncensored and raw blog reality show.
What I hate is how easily the insanity can return if you let it. I squashed it, and nipped it in the bud right away.
By no means am I trying to make a dramatic moment with, “oh poor me look what happenned, now everyone fawn over me and say comforting things as an attention seeking plow.
From the very beginning I put my shit out there. Over the years I’ve heard how my sharing has helped others, and in fact that was re-iterated the other day.
The “She’s Still Here Tour 2010″ continues to solder on, and every birthday is a day of gratitude for all the blessings, abundance, and family in my life.
Since my my life is about transparency – and yesterday in my life of sobriety, I slipped. Not in a got out and get some tina and a case of beer, but with pot and lots of Ativan over the last two days. I’ve asked a friend for some to deal with some anxiety I was experience, as I’m super easily prone to irrational panic attacks. Instead of taking a couple, I took four or five before going to bed, and then another couple when I work up as there was something coming up I was feeling anxious about.
What I hadn’t realized was that I had gone into full addict mode. The meeting I had was a disaster that morning. In the moment I thought I was perfectly together, but afterwards when I realized I didn’t really remember much about what I had said, I know this was not something I could hide under the carpet. I had clearly crossed the line from prescribeduse, to all and all out abuse.
I could not pass this off as just “something that happened” and continue on. Fuck the three years sobriety I had, not that I don’t cherish that, but in a way that means I have to be honest about it and trying to cover something up that had really messed me up. When I’m in a meeting, and someone says to me, “This isn’t the Brian I know. If you see him please say hello for me.”
I had no idea what this person was taking about. “I’m here” I’m Brian” Nonetheless, later on when other told me my speech was so slowed down on the phone we couldn’t hold a conversation over the phone with one friend, and another told I just wasn’t my normal self, I knew I crossed the line into the land of Paula Abdul land. So there you have the low down. Yesterday morning was like watching a re-run of American Idol, with Paula Abdul minus all the other judges and talent. Accept I have little memory of it, and feel embarrassed that allowed myself to go there.
It was like something took over and the more the better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being a victim trying to create drama around myself so people can feel sorry for my, or want to hold my had and say, “That’s ok.” I don’t want any of that, the only saving grace is that I hadn’t gotten into a headspace where shoving a needle up my arm again. There it is: this is my confession, and let’s start the drum roll as I’m back to day one in the life of recovery programs I go
This week is about images that caught my eye. Perhaps the effect of Spring trying to make its presence known, or the ramping of testosterone gel, take you pic. I’m calling these images, “Boys I like (to have all to my own).”
Greek native Stelios Niakaris goes far beyond just liking….
I’ve always loved the Dutch, and Van Gogh
And from the French gay flic “Jamais san toi” – “Never without you”
And finally this guy is sexy, and I love men in suits.
I’m promoting this great Toronto PWA Foundraiser by making a video for the folks putting it on. In the process I got to meet Troy, a super nice guy, and Tracey Gallant – who is a great performer. Please check out my latest piece of work, and this wonderful event.
CLIMAX – Canadian Live Intimate Music and Art Experience -a Toronto PWA Foundation – May 27th, 2010 – PositiveLite.com editor and founder speaks with artist Troy Brooks, and performer Tracey Gallant about a wonderful evening of a silent auction, live performances, and a VIP cocktail at The Royal Theatre, 603 College St. Toronto.
The very first thing that struck me about Mark was his openness, and his sense of humour. Then when I saw the video clip (you can see in this post below) of him winning a car on The Price is Right with Bob Barker, the deal was sealed, I really liked this guy.
This is a PositiveLite.com feature interview:
I first got to know Mark through his blog on The Body (there is a link to it at the end of the post). When launching this site we began chatting on Facebook, and thought he was the perfect person with which to start off the PositiveLite.com interviews.
Mark has been doing what I’ve been aspiring to do for quite some time, and that is use multi-media (i.e. video, writing, images) in a blog format covering all sorts of great topics, and with his flare for writing and wit. Mark’s life story is as colourful as they come, and his public recovery from Crystal Meth is a great example of life without Tina.
First of all, how can I not like someone who won a car on The Price Is Right! I love when you were asked if you had a girlfriend and you replied, “I have several.”
They interviewed everyone standing in line before The Price is Right taping, and I just turned on my adorable 19-year-old charm and tried not to fag out too much. What’s funnier about my responding to Bob about the girlfriends is my boyfriend Charley in the audience, wearing a matching red t-shirt and jeans. If I had won a fur coat, he would have jumped on stage and thrown it on.
And yes, between my commercials and TV and videotaped drag, my life does seem well documented. I just always wanted to have the most fabulous memorial service *ever.” Now that I’ve lived longer, the material is kind of piling up a bit.
I’m interviewing various HIV positive community members who use humour in their lives. Since the readers are predominantly Canadian, could you give us a bit of your background (as best one can who has so many rich life experiences).
My upbringing was typically American — dad was an air force pilot and we moved around a lot to various military bases. I don’t recommend organizing a makeshift parade through the air force base, dressed in drag, at the age of nine. It’s the kind of thing the superiors frown upon.
All I know about Canada is that Vancouver completely seduced me (well, it had some help from the locals) when I visited there a few years ago, and I like the accent. I had a one-year boyfriend from Quebec, and let me just say, ooh la la. Oh, and Paul Shaffer. Does he count?
Tomorrow, Wednesday, April 14th is Pink Shirt Day. What is Pink Shirt Day? It all started in Nova Scotia when David Shepherd and Travis Price, in their teens, organized a day of protest when a new grade nine student had been bullied.
Together they distributed pink t-shirts to all the boys in the school for a day of solidarity and to send a message about bullying.
I love what these two teens did, and it has taken off and evolved into a well-organized and developed day with sponsors to make a statement about bullying.
Present day organizers are not the two original teens, but are the inspiration for tomorrow’s Pink Shirt Day. The Pink Shirt Day website is a great resource dedicated to bullying and homophobia
This topic is dear to me, as during grade 8 until 12, my life was hell. I remember being harassed on a daily basis to the point where I had absolutely no self-esteem.
It all started when I had to share my locker with one of them in grade 8, The guy kept stealing my gym clothes, homework etc. I had no choice but to say something.
It is one of the reasons why I always hated my voice and started to mumble. A couple guys routinely mocked me to the point where I didn’t want to speak.
Those years were the worst in my life. At one point in Jr. High, I was placed in the track (the group that followed a particular class schedule) with the bullies. As soon as I found out I went straight to my mother and said I would not go to school if I had to be with them.
I was dead serious.
We then went to the principle where I reiterated that I would stop attending school if they forced me to be in this group.
To this day I don’t know why they just couldn’t put me in with the other group. Instead I had some special schedule.
It wasn’t until my last year in high school when I discovered “downtown” Winnipeg, and the gay club that I started to not care about what was happening as school.
Nonetheless, the baggage inflicted from those years lasted for years, and still have a faint voice in my head that I no longer listen to. It does tell a bit of the story of why I took on a shy-yet-rebellious tone in my life, which I maintain until today.
If you have a pink shirt, or have time to get one, put it one and stand in solidarity for those who still have to endure this kind of behaviour.
I’m so close to meeting Kathy Griffin with this contest, details and link in today’s post at the bottom for the video, and my poetic writing, ah plea.
See the last post for the video, and please watch it. I managed to get 374 people to watch it in a week. My one and only competitor in this contest has 100, and her video isn’t that great.
Plus, when I went to the forum on the Kathy Griffin site to add something to my contest post where the link to my video is found, I saw a note to me from the Team Griffin Webmaster.
Now for those who don’t know I made a video to win a DVD. When I went to submit it, I saw I missed the bloody deadline. Disappointed, I shared it with friends etc, and it still has gotten about 450 viewings.
In the video I say that I was not successful meeting Kathy Griffin through my FaceBook page (which I never thought it would work, it was just fun to do), but I’d have to set my sites lower, and get a DVD that had been touched by Team Griffin.
I was going to post it in the Kathy Griffin Forum anyway, but I just wanted Kathy to see it, and if it was in the forum there may have been chance.
That’s when I saw the note from the Team Griffin Webmaster that was to me. Ok, I’m getting closer to Kathy, as Team Griffin had communicated with me! He asked me to post a link to the original along with my up-dated reworked video of the first one. He said it was “fantastic” and he wanted people to see it. There were also a couple other nice things.
For my competitor, he wrote about 8 words thanking here. Now I don’t want to get all cocky, as now that I feel I have a really good chance of winning this, watch out I wont.
Additionally, I decided to give them my humour story about Kathy that also requires me putting out my status, as I did my schtick of “My life on the AIDS D-List” and the “Make a wish incident” in Australia that lead to my wish of wanting to meet Kathy.
It’s all there in case you want to read it. Please do as if you haven’t seen the video I want as many hits on it as possible.
