Barbi is 51 today. 51! I thought she’d be older. Not like 100 or anything but at least as old as Cher. And she’s 64! I’ll bet Cher’s pissed. And why shouldn’t she be? At 51, Barbie owns a pink dream home, a pink camper van, her own horse (which is not pink thank you) and drives a pink corvette convertible. She’s been a teacher, a flight attendant, a life guard, a fire fighter, a nurse AND a doctor, though not at the same time because that would be silly. She’s also been a cheer leader, a singer, a dancer, a model and a princess. Gay men adore her, which explains Ken…and that princess thing. All this and she still only looks 20 and has a big rack. Mind you bigger isn’t always better. I mean, Barbie’s doesn’t move when she jumps.Then again, neither does Cher.
Mar
08
Earlier this week, Sandra Bullock’s performance in All About Steve was nominated for a Razzie, and rightly so. The Razzie’s honour the worst films of the year. Well she attended the Razzies and won. Know what other awards she attended and won? The Oscars! Christ I shoulda made a bet! The odds weren’t in her favour. She was up against that Oscar whore Streep for Chrissake! It was a hundred to one shot but Sandra Bullock, won the Best Actress Oscar for her performance in The Blind Side! I hope Mo’Nique doesn’t cut her.
When I saw Precious and that last scene with Monique, I said: “Bitch just won an Oscar!”. I said it with love. I love Mo’Nique and I loved to hate her in Precious. But Mo’Nique didn’t look so sure. Did you see her on Barbara Walter’s last ever Oscar Special? Did you see her on the Red Carpet? She’s had an intensity in her eyes. Like she’s been holding her breath too long and “thinking positively” far too hard. Hell, she probably has Ekhart Tolle’s New Earth on tape in the car AND on her iPhone. But there’s no guarantee. There’s no secret formula for winning an Oscar. Remember Oprah and Whoopie AND The Color Purple? Thank God Whoopie won for Ghost is all I’m saying. But I digress.
It’s the Gay-D-D.
Back to Mo’Nique. Did you see her before they called her name? She looked worried. She looked like if they didn’t call her name she was going to have to cut a bitch. All the other nominees were whiter and thinner and Mo’Nique wasn’t gonna play dat! When they did say her name did you see her reaction? She let out that deep breath and closed her eyes as if to say “You just saved a white bitch’s life tonight.”. See? The Oscars does save lives. Take that Cancer research!
Mar
05
Last night I went to Mississauga.
Don’t worry, it wasn’t like I sneaked out or nothing. I was given a Gay Pass because I was going to see Joan Rivers with Shaun Proulx, Patrick Morano Brian Finch and a limo full of their friends. Hey, there’s strength in numbers and Joan Rivers or not, this was still Mississauga people! Well, she was rude, crude, insulting and said cunt twice in the first 10 minutes. I know, I think we got off easy too! She told us she hates dykes, Asians, ugly people (and no they’re not all the same! Necessarily). She said hateful things about the old, handicapped people, the poor, AIDS patients on disability and why celebrities support charities. And when it was all said and done she threw a pot of chrysanthemums at my head! It was the best night ever! I’ve never laughed so hard in my life! I laughed so hard, I peed…which she also hated! If you’ve never seen Joan Rivers live, hurry up and do it before she changes her face again! Wait … is she here?
Well, while most of the country was mourning the loss of Canada’s chance at gold in the Men’s Downhill, I was celebrating the inventor of Spandex! Seriously, I’m a fan of anything that highlights the male form, that’s why I like football. I don’t follow football you understand, I just like it. A lot! And when I say “the male form” I mean the adult male form. Like the adult male forms of the men’s downhill ski teams! Did you see ‘em? All those hot beefy boys giving that mountain they’re all, making it their bitch, riding it hard and angry only to collapse at it’s foot exhausted and quivering, which you could really notice in those tight little “eye catchers” they’re calling uniforms let me tell you! Especially that Bode Miller! He had me ringing bells I didn’t even know I owned! Did you note that camera angle on him before his run? “Nice cock on ya Bode!” Seriously! I couldn’t take my eyes off it! It’s huge! The weight of it alone either helped him take Bronze or got in the way of taking Gold. Either way, I think he wins! But don’t take my word for it … youtube it up! Oh yeah, and go Team Canada!
Jan
25
So there I was on public transit, the subway to be precise…feel the mood? I was just thinking how lucky I am that I don”t have to start and end my day eating this shit sandwich when, as the doors were closing, something caught my eye. Someone actually, I thought I’d just seen Shaun Proulx as the train pulled away. Which was a bit of shock for me because some of Shaun’s footwear is way too nice to be on the TTC, never mind the subway. “Oh well, sucks to miss the train,” I thought. “That’s what you get for running like a girl” is what a more hateful person would’ve said next but before I could think it…there was Shaun Proulx waiting at Bloor. I’d only just caught a glimpse of him but what I did see didn’t look out of breath or anything. In fact he looked pretty good and he had a hat on his head.
Which is a hard thing to pull off on transit. Tweens are mean is all I’m saying.
How did he do it? Did he hear what I was going to think and use his powers to beat me to Bloor so he could slap me like a girl? Wait, there he was again! Just as the train pulled to a stop, there was Shaun Proulx…again! It was like Children Of The Corn all over again, except gayer and in a pretty hat. Suddenly I knew what was going on. I was having a stroke. Yes, that’s it so to be kind, I got off the train to finish having my stroke out of everyone’s way and then the light of reason flooded in. Funny how it’s always florescent. Anyway, there in front of me was still Shaun Proulx, or what I had thought was Shaun. It was a billboard for one of TVtropolis’s fashion show. Hilarious! TVtropolis’s marketing had gotten together to have meetings, discussions and focus groups on just the right face to put on their new fashion show promo and after all the dust settled, it turns out that the best face use to promote fashion is Monsieur de la Proulx. There all the time. In the Village. The Face Of Fashion. Of course he is! But now that it’s official, we’ll probably have to start pronouncing his name Sade.
Kisses!
Jan
11
Okay I get it. Pirated movies are wrong. It takes money out of the pockets of multi-million dollar film studios and the theatres that pay to show them. It’s wrong and more importantly it’s illegal. I get it. But in this economy it’s not worth the crap shoot of paying upwards of $20 admission per person, another $20 in snackie-poos and bevvies (don’t judge me) just to loose 90 minutes of my life on some piece of crap film that doesn’t even resemble the desperate commercials they created to advertise it. Where are the laws that protect us against bad films? Who’s on our side when the Van Helsings and the All About Steves (sorry Sandra Bullock, you know I love you but pee yoo!) hit the screen? I think if movie studios want us to respect what they do, they should make an effort to produce less crap. Not every film is worth waisting millions of dollars on. Quite frankly I think that these film companies would make a bigger fan out of me if they would take the budget for yet another piece of crap film (did anyone really need to see that Leprechaun go into space?) and donate those millions to world hunger, alternate power sources or peace. It’s responsible, it’s philanthropic and best of all, you can’t pirate a good deed. Think about it Warner Bros!
Jan
06
So there were two strikes against me. It was rush hour AND I had to get on the subway. Ugh. Not the greatest combo at the best of times but factor in my need to go North from Wellesley station, and you’ve just lined up all the ingredients for the greatest reality show never seen: When Commuters Go Wild! There I was on the northbound platform with 30 or so other TTCers as the third subway, packed to capacity (around the doors at least. What is wrong with you people? Push in!) without anyone else being able to get on. Nerves were raw. I get it. Chances are, no one had a great day. And when you bookend a “cattle drive” commute around that nugget of hate you call a job, you end up with a shit sandwich that bites back! So people were tense is what I’m trying to say when miracle of miracles, the next subway train had people getting off! A glimmer of light. Space! Hope! And then catastrophe.Apparently this angry white woman had had enough waiting on the platform for yet again another train, decided to push people onto the subway car to make room for her. Two of the people she pushed were black tweens. I’m sure that’s why Angry pushed them, not because they were black but because they were tweens, kids. Mind you, I wouldn’t push a tween these days. I read the papers, they’ll cut you! Anyway, it seems Angry gave the Bleens quite a push because the boy got hurt and his sister may have done some spitting, some of which may have made contact with Angry which did nothing to calm her mood. That was the line! Angry pushed the Subway’s alarm and f-bombed everyone’s ride home. As Angry exited the train to complain to the conductor, half the train came with her! The buzzards were circling. I’ve never seen so many strangers all turn on one person like that before. When Angry asked, with regards to being spit on, “what country are you from?!”, I thought it was over right there. People, no matter what colour, age or how they were dressed all started yelling at her. This one businessman looked like was about to throw down, “I’m half white, don’t pull that colour card on me!”. They were mad! If we’d been in the middle east, they’d have stoned her right then and there! Well finally the cops came and soon after the subway chimed (lovely sound) and everyone except Angry and the Bleens jumped back on the train. The doors closed and no one on my car said a word about it. “What the hell was that?” I asked myself. Will there be fines? Charges? A book tour? With a name like Angry And The Bleens, you don’t just walk away. Unless that’s what is was. A distraction, much needed by the people all focused on one thing…getting home. I know my subway experience seemed less problematic from that point on. Drama, love it or hate it, you never have far to go to find it. God Bless the subway and all who ride her!
Jan
04
Okay, so for one week a year at most we all take a second out of our busy lives to reflect on what we perceive to be the elements holding us back socially, economically and spiritually. We invest precious seconds to collect those 8 or 9 elements, scribble them down on something (probably the back of a used envelope) and then proceed to forget about them for another 360 odd days or so as we blythely go about our crappy lives wondering why they don’t improve. It’s a tradition. And it’s one I abhor. It’s been 30 plus years (shut it) of my doing just that, more or less, and still crap crap crap! Well the crap stops here. My resolutions are always about specifics: eating, talking, living. But no more! This year I’m boiling my resolutions down to one point. Fear. I will not have fear in 2010. Not in a real way. I think fear is highly underrated where life is concerned. We should be afraid! We should be afraid of things like traffic, electricity, and bitches at work. Fear of these things keeps us aware of them and when you’re aware, there are no surprises! But those big issues aren’t what’s holding me back. I have small fears, like grabbing a metal handle on a dry day and giving myself a shock. Or playing video games like a pussy who’s afraid of getting cyber-shot even though I can hit restart whenever I want. Or wearing bright coloured clothing even though I’d rather go through life like a big black hole…like my emotions. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, this year I resolve not to sweat the small stuff. I am going to go through life grabbing metal handles without grounding myself first! I will show Grand Theft Auto what stepping to the dark side is all about and as for that bitch at work. If she’s not made of metal or a hooker in level 6 of Grand Theft Auto, then I got nothing…but I’m not afraid of that.
All the best to you and your fears in 2010!
xox
rr
Dec
19
Okay, first of all I’m sorry for my absence. Secondly, What’s happening to Church Street?
It’s the straight elephant in the gay room, Church Street’s a changin’. High rents and a shitty economy has had a hand in the closings of such businesses as Crews/Tango, Zelda’s, Il Fornello and now Statler’s And in light of this, gays have quietly been moving out of The Village as well. Is The Village becoming a gay ghost town? Will some gay historians investigate the ruins in future years only to find me (let’s face it, I’ve got enough body fat to outlive you all!) in my shitty bachelor pad, watching Drew Barrymore movies? Will they?!
Sorry.
Anyway, is the economy killing Church Street? No. I blame gay rights. We now live in a world where it’s illegal to prejudice someone because they’re a homosexual. We don’t need The Village to protect us anymore. Now, ironically the government does. And it’s been slapping us in the face ever since! Now corporate straighties are seeking out our gay dollars by stamping their brand over all our rainbows. TV and movies are lousy with dykes and fags. We’re no longer something to be feared. We’re good for one dinner invite and a few decorating/renovating tips at least.
I long for the days when it was wrong to be in a gay bar. The excitement that cops could bust in at any moment. Back door entrances (you heard me) and dirty looks if you got off the subway anywhere near Wellesley Station! Magazines with all the good stuff edited out. Being able to cruise Allen Gardens before the City got wise and cut down all the bushes. Those were the days. There were strength in numbers because we knew it felt good to be bad. And The Village was born.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. If it weren’t for gay rights, I wouldn’t be working at 103.9 Proud FM; a GAY radio station. But think about it…without gay rights, we’d be roving the city broadcasting our pirate signal and avoiding the law. HOT!
