Dear Pat Robertson,
I thought I’d write you this letter as you must be crestfallen and quite befuddled about Proposition 8 being overturned recently in California; when I heard the news, I immediately thought of you. Ok, I didn’t, but I did begin to think of you shortly after the announcement was made—because of what you had to say on the subject.
Pat, from your lips to God’s ear to my fingertips:
“Ladies and gentlemen, what are we facing? The homosexuals want to destroy the church, and they want to destroy marriage. That’s what it amounts to. It doesn’t matter how sacred an institution is and how important it is to society, as long as there can be a confirmation that this lifestyle is acceptable. That’s what they want. Oh man, pray for this country.”
My stars Pat, you looked so beaten down but you managed to deliver a rather plaintive statement so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much that this may be the one that finally crushes your spirit. No, I think you are devout in your disdain—nay, hatred—for the homosexual that nothing will break your dogged determination to see us put in our place. Whatever place you deem that to be.
Pat, I know you are a very passionate but conflicted man. You clutch the bible tightly to your chest and speak directly to God about what concerns you. Then you give us your little chestnuts of wisdom to help guide us through these challenging and troubled times. To wit:
On traditional marriage:
“I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that’s the way it is, period.”
Wow, I thought the homos were going to wreck marriage! Pat, a quick question: what was the name of Christ’s wife again?
On Feminism:
“(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”
Pat, what’s wrong with witchcraft…I loved Samantha on Bewitched! And not a capitalist-hating lesbian in sight (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
On the US Supreme Court:
“Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court.”
Poor Pat, what a double-whammy. First Prop 8 and now that new Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan. It just wasn’t your week!
On the attack on evangelical Christians:
“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.”
Pat, this is just awful. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have so many people gang up on you to attack and demonize you so fervently. Unforgivable.
Oh Pat, and those are just a few of your greatest hits. Pat, I feel your pain. It’s not easy being the target of righteous blowhards who spread untruths and fear about you. It’s a sin! It’s so unfair and cold-hearted and, well, just plain unchristian, wouldn’t you say? I see why you are so filled with angst and anxiety as your world slips away to the clutches of the satanic secular sin that wants to beat it and beat it and then swallow it. All of it. In one big gulp.
Pat, take heart. I will feel for you the compassion you so lack for others as that is what Christ teaches: Compassion. Acceptance. Brotherhood. But how would you know this? Being so enveloped in hate and fear can distort a person’s perception. Take heart, Pat. Soon you will be seated next to your god, your messiah, your partner in piety—your beloved Jerry Falwell. Just think, the two of you can snuggle together and play with his big purple Tinky Winky for all eternity. The rest of us can just stay up here and struggle through life without you.
SINcerely,
Andrew Vail
