We’re celebrating 8 big years of GGT this year with a look back at some of the favourite stories we’ve published.
This week Jared Mitchell gives straight guys the gay goods and a little light read at the same time.
We’re glad that straight men have finally given up their oppostion to us and are receivng tutelage a la Queer Eye For The Straight Guy on matters of dress, hair comportment and social grace. But these frills and flutterings about dressing stylishly ignores the real lifestyle secrets of being gay. You’re about to receive the real advice gay men need to pass on to straight men so you can impress your girlfriend with the inner insights of queer fabulousness.
Read, breeder boy and learn…
1. Vegetable shortening isn’t just for deep-fried chicken. It’s fattening to stuff it down the front of your food pipe, but you won’t gain a calorie pushing it in the back. And it feels great! Yes, you owe it to yourself to explore the manly world of anal fisting. If your girlfriend thinks the idea is icky, it’s still possible to do it to yourself – but never infront of her without warning.
2. Today’s evolved man knows that it’s okay to cry in truly dreadful situations – on the battlefield, at the hospital bedside, at your own wedding. It’s also really, really okay to cry in bars, when it’s 1 a.m., you’re smashed and surrounded by colleagues from work. Blubbering on a barstool and shreiking “I didn’t want to be a policy analyst, I wanted to be a dancer” is totally, totally cool.
3. Repeat after us: “The road gets rougher; it’s lonelier and tougher.” Always keep at least one black rooster wig in your closet along with a sequined matador jacket and black capri pants. Dressing up and belting out “The Man That Got Away” or “Over The Rainbow” – and doing it really well – can only win you the widest circle of friends.
4. You probably saw high-school films in which you were taught that real courage doesn’t come from a bottle of liquor. (Actually, real courage comes from a bottle of moisturizer.) Rather, liquor is more like your friend always there for you. It provides you an excuse not to go into work, with ways of supersizing your dull little personality and best of all, with helping you clear a soiree of tired old friends who really need a public telling off.
5. K and E are drugs. Beware the dreaded K hole, in which your mind becomes a drained sump, a disorganised file folder, a wretched sock drawer. You temporarily lose your mind and talk gibberish. Be assured, you won’t lose your bedrock identity. We fondly remember one straight chap we met kn a college street bar who responded to all our banal questions with “jffle bib gligfkg” and “bibble icg jorg zidum.” And yet when we asked him if he would suck us off, his primordial straightness stood fast and he said, clear as a bell, “I don’t do that.”
6. We remember an otherwise obscure British Railway executive who once copmplained that passenger rail service was about as useless as the male teat. Lord Dodo might have understood choo-choos but he didn’t understand nannas. Your titties are there solely to give you pleasure. They can be pinched, twisted, bitten and licked. If you want to choose to get one or both nipples pierced do not eat a hot smoked meat sandwich while it’s being done because you will faint.
Jared Mitchell is a novelist, magazine writer and film maker. His latest video is showing at the Oberhausen International Short Film Festival in May.
