December is an anniversary for me; I’ve been out for eight years now. It’s funny that I’ve never talked about my coming out experience here. Now seems like a perfect time to reminisce.
My disability did have a major impact on how long it took me to realize what exactly was going on. I don’t know how common this is, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to men for the first year or so. I didn’t have crushes on boys, didn’t want to date anyone, and didn’t explicitly fantasize about gay sex (more on that later). My burning desire was to see the guys at high school naked. So, I was seeing a social worker about this and our thinking was that other boys showered together after gym class and sports and were able to see how they measured up. I obviously couldn’t do that and was feeling left out.
That theory held up until I met him. I won’t give too many details because we’ve been friends ever since but I have never told him just how much of an impact he had on that confused teenager. I met him at a weekend away and we got along well; so well that he told me about his boyfriend. I didn’t think much about it, though I did want to see him naked. I was watching TV a few days later when I started thinking about him and being with him. I fantasized about him the next night and it was both the most liberating and the most sensual experiences I’ve had. I don’t mind telling you that I still remember the feeling of the organism. The clarity and intensity of the fantasy blew me away; it was like nothing I had experienced before. It hit me right then; I was gay.
To be continued….
