Fundamentalist Christians. Right-Wing Neo-Cons. The Vatican.
Carrie Prejean. Gay Men.
Above is a short list of enemies of same sex marriage. Which one of those is making your eyebrows wiggle? Yea, I bet it’s the last one. Sure, there are the usual suspects who spout off about the ills, follies and dangers of same sex marriage. Yet, among the choir of puritanical Calamity Janes is a not-so-small group of gay men.
Turns out there are a cadre of queers out there that would rather gay marriage didn’t exist. I wonder how many of their signatures were on Prop 8? But I digress…
When I got married a couple of years ago, I was blown away by the support, positivity and good wishes that came at my hubby and me as we went through the process. I was amazed to be faced with so many heterosexual well-wishers. I fully expected at least ONE hairy eyeball from a store clerk, registrar or concierge. But every person we encountered along the way was gleefully accepting.
I was told I am at greater risk of HIV infection because I’m married
Not so with the homos. I can recall several situations where I was either given the snooty look down the nose by a gay man and once was asked how I would react WHEN my husband fooled around, like it’s a foregone conclusion. On a recent occasion I actually found myself defending my nuptials to a couple of gay men. In this particular situation I was accused of being naïve about marriage because “it’s not natural, it goes against our primal urges to have sex with many partners”. They cited the animal kingdom. I reminded them that in the animal kingdom, killing is a primal urge. It then devolved into the greater risk of HIV and STI infection I was prone to because it was “assumed” we were monogamous. I had to shake my head to make sure I wasn’t sitting with a pair of gay Jerry Falwells in reverse reverie of perverse piety.
I was then lectured on the virtues of open relationships (the status of their respective couplings). I was told by these fellows that they have a better sex life than I do because they had many sex partners (quality vs. quantity). How they enjoyed a veritable festival of fellatio whenever and with whomever they liked. They went on to explain the sexual and social parameters of their open relationships and that they were much safer from disease because of these rules of engagement they agreed upon with their partners: oral only (condoms preferred but not essential) and fuck buddies are fine, just no dating (i.e.: dinner, movies, romance). I was then moved to ask the following:
- How do you know your partner is ALWAYS following the rules?
- How do you know your partner is ALWAYS using a condom?
- Did you know you can catch STIs on the soft palate of your throat from oral sex?
- How do you know your partner isn’t on a date as we speak?
The reply: blank stares. Gee, did I hit a nerve?
No matter the type of relationship, we all need trust
I found it strange that these guys would jump on me about the “risks of marriage” and the rules that supposedly confine me, but didn’t see that the same “rules” apply to their relationships. They require trust and a form of fidelity within the construct of their relationships. So, who is naïve?
I’m fascinated that there are gay men who bridle so severely at the notion of same sex marriage and waste no time in disgorging their bile on me. The cynicism is amazing and I’m not sure where it comes from. Is it because they believe marriage is too “straight-identified” or that they feel I’m judging them or looking down my nose at them? It’s not like I accused them of suffering from a fear of commitment or slammed open relationships – I’ve known plenty of people who have had a succession of open relationships and it seems to work for them. I don’t spontaneously launch a verbal tirade on single gay men about the virtues of marriage.
Why the slings and arrows, guys? Why the cynicism? Why does my marriage piss you off?
